How I Dealt with a Large Bully in a Bad Wig

I love when bloggers post essays that inspire. You know, the kind of stories you read that lights that flame inside you that makes you want to rescue undernourished cats in New Jersey, blind horses in Connecticut and tiny poodles with bad haircuts. Well, my friend--this is not that kind of post. Instead, it's a post on dealing with a bully. It's about speaking up, a post about a fight I picked, a post about a large bully with a bad wig.

Picture it: Brooklyn, 2010; there I was on Dekalb waiting for the R train to arrive. I was a happy gay, fresh from putting a gift bag together for my boyfriend who's been really supportive and extra loving to me these past couple of week (he even did my laundry--twice!). I was on my way to the city to surprise him with his bag of goodies when I felt someone's hot breath on my neck as the train pulled into the station. I turned around and was sure I'd see the dragon from Shrek--but to my surprise it wasn't.

Large Black Woman with a Bad Wig: (In an angry tone) Is the next stop Lawrence Street?

Nando: (Caught off guard and wiping my neck of stank breath residue) I really don't know, I rarely…

Large Black Woman with a Bag Wig: (Interrupting me) Tsk (That's the noise she made--she sucked her teeth at me!)

She violently hoisted me aside to ask the person next to me. I took a deep breath and "breathed in" happiness and rainbows. I found a seat and shifted my thoughts on the gift bag (I know, super gay!) and the reaction I'd get from Santiago. My boyfriend lost his wallet a few weeks ago and I had just gotten him a replacement. It's not as romantic as you may make it out to be. I'm actually getting him one because I'm tired of listening to whine. In the mornings, when we leave the apartment, he goes through the same routine (and only people who live in NYC will understand this one) and says, "Do I have everything? Keys? Check. Metro Card? Check. iPhone? Check. Wallet? Oh, I don't have a wallet anymore. I have better things to listen to in the mornings, like the Asian ladies hack their loogies on the street as we rush by to catch the train.

As I'm breathing in my second rainbow, the train doors close and I hear the large Black woman with the bad wig asking more people if Lawrence Street is the next stop. Finally someone says, "Yes." Then she goes off on the train.

Large Black Woman with a Bag Wig: I can't believe all you people are on this train and don't know where the HELL you are going!

I felt a rush. I felt the heat. I felt my Gay Brooklyn Mexican come out and out of nowhere, I just had to say it.

Nando: You're the one who's lost--don't blame us because you're not capable of reading a map. Why are we responsible for your geographical ignorance?

Large Black Woman with a Bag Wig: I wasn't AXING you!

Nando: First off, a person doesn't AXE anything, unless it's a tree or if you're a serial killer...but we all know that's not the case here. And second, you did ASK me, you came up to me and sprayed hot stank-breathe on my neck on the platform and asked me. In fact, I was the first person you did AXE!

Large Black Woman with a Bag Wig: Well I was talking to the people in the train right now, not you. If it doesn't apply to you, then don't worry about it.

Nando: It does apply to me, I don't know if Lawrence street is the next stop. You can't just expect people to owe you responses. Life doesn't work that way.

Large Black Woman with a Bag Wig: I know the train routes of the trains I take daily. You can't tell me there are people on this train who don't know the stops! So shut the hell up and mind your business, Fag.

Nando: I don't know what you're doing on Lawrence Street, but I hope it's looking for a better wig, ho!

At that point, I honestly thought I was going to get killed. But I didn't care. I was standing up for everyone on that train that she was trying to bully. That's the thing about bullies, they attack on the weak and if no one stands up--they'll repeat their behavior over and over again. And yes, I know that I'm 34 years old and I added sparks and fanned the fire but there comes a time in life when you just have to stand up for yourself and not allow people to be bullies.

Just then, the train stopped. It was Lawrence Street. She got out; never said another word, and as the train doors closed, the people in the train applauded me. For a brief second, I had forgotten anyone else was on board, besides me and bad wig lady. I went on my way. I felt good. I felt amazing. I had that feeling you get when you have anonymous sex in a bathroom stall of an Applebee's, yeah--that powerful! As I went on to my destination, I knew two things: one, that I've got what it takes to recognize a bully and stand up to them (even if it was a woman in a bad wig) and two, that Lawrence Street is the next stop after Dekalb on the R train.

P.S., the boyfriend loved his wallet.

Have you ever dealt with a bully...as an adult? Leave a comment.