Working With A Financial Planner To Get Your Bailout Money

With America facing the 2009 recession and we the people spiraling down a greater financial hole ever thought possible--we're told to standby on the sidelines and watch major corporations get their bailout money--but where is our financial "get out of debt-free card?" That's when it's time to get creative and resourceful by bringing in your friends...and in my case, the ex.

Feeling the financial pinch of the recession, I knew I had to re-work my money around because I had a sneaky feeling that my landlord might want to kick me out--if the eviction notice posted on my door had anything to do with it. So I called the big guns, the man I know who still works on Wall Street that wasn't affected by the huge crash--mainly cause he's Pakistani and works two streets away from Wall Street for a Pakistani bank.

Nando: Why did you have me meet you at Hanks Boob World?
Ali: Cause you get all you drink pitchers of beer all night for $10 and their chicken wings are amazing!
Nando: And I'm supposed to trust you with my money?

As we walked into some basement bar establishment near Wall Street, the crowd consisted of other Wall Street tycoons enjoying an evening of beer, wings and waitresses with big boobs.

Ali: Okay, did you bring what I asked?
Nando: Yes, I have all my bills, all the money that's coming in and going out and also my "wish list".
Ali: What do you mean "wish list"? I never asked for a "wish list".
Nando: And I forgive you for that. My "wish list" is the list of things I'd like to purchase so you have to include that into my monthly budget for me to survive.

Ali snatched the list away from me and began to inspect it.

Ali: How do massages help you survive?
Nando: I tend to hold my stress in my neck region and the tension is unbearable so I really need weekly massages to help with that.
Ali: And what's this...Brazilian Keratin Hair Treatments ?
Nando: Well that one should be self-explanatory really.

Ali rips up my "wish list" and stuffs it in his brief case. He motions the big-breasted waitress over and orders his "endless pitcher of beer" along with a side of extra spicy wings.

Ali: Listen to me, you're an idiot. I will try to help you but you have to stop living like Paris Hilton and more like the Mexican that you are. Do you hear me?
Nando: That was really rude and I will not stand for you talking to me like that.
Ali: According to this paper here, FROM THE GOVERNMENT, you might go to jail if you don't pay this off.
Nando: Okay where do we start?

The thing with letting another individual see your finances is that you have to take responsibilities with your life and the purchases you make in it. How would I justify my purchases in pages 6-10? Sure, just because he doesn't think facials are mandatory doesn't mean that they're not. He needs to understand that I have a lifestyle to maintain and need certain things in order to manage that life and if it means quarterly eyelash extensions then who was he to judge?

Nando: Oh wait, here...I bought a special notebook for my finances, so here. Oh and here's my special pen.
Ali: That's the gayest pen I've ever seen.
Nando: What? This is NOT a gay pen, this is the red p500 pen with an extra fine point tip and they cost me $5.00.
Ali: They?
Nando: Yeah, it's the only pen I can use. See, I carry like 10 with me...ALWAYS.

I open my bag and show him my p500 pen collection.

Ali: Okay, first order of busniess, no more $5.00 gay pens.
Nando: I hate you. And the wings better be amazing.

As he began to go through my paperwork, I noticed the confusion in his eyes, face and brows. Things weren't looking to good for me.

Ali: Nando, what is wrong with you?
Nando: What now?
Ali: Some of the stuff you WASTE money on is ridiculous. We're gonna have to re-wire your brain.

As he had his third pitcher of beer and second order of hot wings I began to feel the financial pressure and was ready to do whatever it took to climb out of this money pit and gain financial freedom. But I still wanted to have fabulous lashes while doing so.

Nando: Oh my God!
Ali: What?
Nando: Have you lost weight?

Ali puts down his chicken wing, wipes his chin and smiles.

Ali: I have...you can tell?
Nando: Oh are you kidding me? Yes! Stand up.
Ali: What? No. I'm not...

He stands up.

Nando: Turn around.

Ali: It's that noticeable?
Nando: Uhm yeah, you look just like that Bollywood hunk--what's his name.
Ali: Saif Ali Khan?
Nando: Yeah, that ONE!
Ali: You know, maybe I was a little harsh, I think we can fit your eyelashes in here somewhere.
Nando: Oh? Well, you're the financial guru, I'm only here to do what you tell me to do.

After a few more pitchers I began to wonder if I should really be doing my financial planning with an ex who loves his beer, wings and who can easily be manipulated. But just then, the final verdict was in and I was terrified.

Ali: Alright, well...according to my calculations here, you're a complete moron.
Nando: What? Let me see.

I snatch his paper with scribbles, math formulas and algebraic calculations.

Nando: Oh wow, I am a moron.
Ali: I'd never lie to you.
Nando: Yeah, only when we were together.
Ali: Yeah, but that was different, we wer