Shopping with a Gay Pakistani

Ali and I met in 2003. It took us a while to discover that friendship developed over time and it couldn’t be forced or rushed. In between periods of silence, confusion and acceptance, we learned to be there for one another. He was also the first Pakistani boyfriend I had and as so many gays come to learn, your boyfriends can become your closest friend–only after they become your ex.

When meeting up with Ali now, it’s more like I’m hanging out with a younger brother. We know each other’s buttons to push, what to say to piss each other off, and what hair products to buy one another as gifts. It was New Years, 2007 and we had only one thing on our minds, “What to wear for the party?” So we did what any normal gay exs would do–we went shopping together.

Nando: Do you know what you’re wearing for New Years?
Ali: No, it’s only 3 weeks away and I don’t have a clue as to how I am going to coordinate. I’m starting to panic.
Nando: Okay, well we have to decide what “look” we’re going for. That’ll dictate where we go.
Ali: I have a 30% off coupon for Banana Republic.
Nando: And a coupon trumps the “look,” I’ll see you there today after work.

Usually, Banana Republic is the place I go for socks or an occasional T-shirt, but not an entire wardrobe. But to ignore the coupon would be a sin, right? We met up at the Banana Republic by Rockefeller Center and our shopping experience began. After exploring and excavating the store as if we were two gay archaeologists on the hunt for dinosaur remains, nothing qualified for our New Years “look” so we decided to leave. As we marched past the cashier with disappointment in our hearts and an unused 30% coupon in our hands, Ali reached out for a coat displayed on a male mannequin who was propped up on a pedestal.

Ali: NANDO! LOOK!
Nando: (turning my head around) Oh my God, Ali–you did it, you found our “look!”

Yes, it was a fully lined tweed vest patterned in a subtle plaid in the front and finished with a 4-button placket, front pockets and a satiny back.

Ali: We’ll look like Justin Timberlake now!
Nando: Wait, we both can’t wear the same thing. Remember how embarrassing it was when we both wore the same black shirt at Splash?
Ali: Oh Yeah. Damn that H&M! Nando, I saw the vest first so I should have it!
Nando: Calm down, call the sales girl over and we’ll both try it on and discover who looks better in it.
Ali: Sounds fair.

As Ali ran off to get the sales girl, I stood there fantasizing on how this vest would change my life. In this vest, I’d rule the world. We’ve all heard of people being discovered walking down the street or sitting at Arby’s having a cheese delight. Well, why not the Mexican? I could easily be discovered by a successful producer as I walked down 5th Avenue in this vest. He’d stop ask for directions, and I’d “WOW” him with my navigational skills. When he’d ask if I knew where the Empire State Building was, I’d turn him around and point towards that proud standing building that represents life, love and Ghetto radio, and say, “Right there!” Of course he wouldn’t understand a word I’d say because I’d have a hot dog in my mouth–but I digress.

Sales Girl: (With the charm of a vaginal yeast infection) How can I help you?
Ali: We’d like to see this vest (pointing to the mannequin) in a medium please.
Sales Girl: (In a monotone) Fine. (Leaves then returns) We don’t have anymore, that’s the last one.
Nando: Can we have it?
Sales Girl: (angry) I’m not getting it for you! If you want it– you get it yourself, but you will have to dress the mannequin back up again cause my manager will be pissed. Got it!
Ali: Sure, no problem. Thanks.

As the sales girl walked away, Ali and I attacked the mannequin. That’s something you can only say when you go shopping with an ex.

Nando: She was evil. Okay, I’m sure we’ll have him naked in under five minutes. You do the left and I’ll do the right side.
Ali: The clothes are pinned on him pretty good. Don’t pull too hard.
Nando: I can’t even reach his shoulder. Just yank it.
Ali: This is depressing, the first man I can’t strip down under three minutes.
Nando: Concentrate, reach underneath his shoulder and around his neck.

Caught up in undressing the mannequin, we failed to see the crowd that gathered around–watching our every move. Ali finally snapped something on the stiff and the clothes fell off with ease–just like one of his dates. The crowd applauded. We both tried on the vest and it didn’t look good on either one of us. The tag on the vest said medium, but it fit like a small on the two of us.

Ali: You know, the Korean girl who sewed the size tag on the vest must not know English. Clearly, she got it wrong.
Nando: Clearly.

Since we still had our 30% coupon, we decided to buy socks.

Ali: Did you hear what the guy said? The one who was behind us in line at the cashier counter? He was totally hitting on me.
Nando: Ali, he said, “Excuse me,” because you were blocking his way to the next register.
Ali: Yeah, in “gay” that translates into, “I think you’re hot, can I get your number cause I totally want you to do me.”

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