Sex like an Epileptic

They say November is the month of new beginnings, new starts. I have to admit that for me, it's true, especially since I'm on that continuous mission that man must endure--that mission to walk the path of enlightenment, new experiences, and let's not forget Macy's fashion sales.

Ali: (Calling me at work) Nando who were those guys staring at us at Splash Bar this past weekend?
Nando: Fans of mine.
Ali: No, I'm serious, who were they?
Nando: I'm not lying. While I was waiting for you to arrive, this guy came up to me and said, "Hi Nando, I'm a fan of your blogs and I want to introduce you to my boyfriend." Artie brought his boyfriend over and before leaving said, "I really hope something happens to you tonight--so I can read all about it tomorrow!"
Ali: Well, they were starring at us all night long.
Nando: Now, I know how Jennifer Lopez feels when she's out. Hey, when are we getting our winter clothes from your cousin's house in Queens?
Ali: I don't know it's difficult to time these things, between the dates, the clubs, and...
Nando: ...The one-night stands.
Ali: There's nothing wrong with "hitting it from the back with no strings attached."
Nando: You know, we could go and buy new winter clothes. Besides, you really need a new coat--what you have now is very 1984.
Ali: (In a panic) Really? Oh God! Okay, can we go today after work, are you free?
Nando: You have a Macy's credit card, right?
Ali: Yeah.
Nando: I'm free.

I arrived at New York's 34th Street Herald Square. Home to Macy's, the Manhattan Mall, and Kenny the flasher, who on a warm day will flash you while walking past him showing off his beefy Italian sausage. He's usually out there weekdays after 6pm, except for Wednesdays. Don't Judge.

I found myself inside a wonderland full of shoppers, expensive shiny items, and the place where wanna be drag queens go to work--Macy's Estee Lauder's make-up counter. As I took the elevator up to the third floor and departed the rusty contraption, I found myself in heaven...shoe heaven. To my right, Kenneth Cole, to my left Diesel, and all over I could see Pumas, Calvin Kleins, and Hugo Boss'--Oh my! It was at that very moment, I concluded that I had reached the age of understanding.

Being 32-years-old meant I should give up certain life struggles. No longer would I have the same pains that I had when I was a mere adolescent. No longer would I fantasize, "When will it be my turn?" Yes, you know me too well; I was talking about snow boots. You see, my neighborhood in Brooklyn does a horrible job at cleaning the snow when it falls and I end up slipping and sliding my way to the subway station every morning. Not this year, this year I had wisdom, this year I had acceptance, this year I had Ali's credit card!

But not to be forgotten, I needed shoes for my causal days. I needed shoes that would express my carefree ways, my creative flare, and my need for comfort. I found the perfect shoe. It looked like a Vans slip-on shoe, but it had a more "Nandoish" flare. I immediately found a young timid sales clerk to attend to my every need.

Soon, I was surrounded by boxes of shoes, boots, and loafers. I felt just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman--except my hair was better conditioned. I was having such a hard time deciding between two pairs of boots--do I want a buckle or a slip-on boot? Then...I felt it, a sensation. What was that feeling? Guilt? Shame? Here I am buying shoes while there are several children out in the world in need of the basics. There are children who cannot fend for themselves, children who will never experience a new shoe, children who are less fortunate. To my relief, the sensation was coming from my pocket...it was my phone vibrating and not the other stuff--THANK GOD!

Nando: Where are you?
Ali: I just passed Kenny the flasher.
Nando: Oh, come up--third floor, shoe department.

Ali instinctively found me behind a stack of boxes as I was trying on a pair of Timberland snow boots.

Nando: Okay, you're getting these boots and those loafers over there.
Ali: I am? I really don't like the loafers Nando. I'm not a loafer kind of guy.
Nando: These are not for you. They're for me.

I left my shoes at the counter and reassured the clerk we'd return as we were only in the beginning phases of our Macy's shopping experience. We toured the various departments and Ali headed for the suits. I went straight for the trendy blazers. He came running up to me with a Brown Pin Striped suit by Perry Ellis in hand. He tried it on and it looked perfect. I have to admit, on him a suit looks like it should--like he belongs in a meeting holding a pointer while slides of 4th Quater Profits are projected on the wall...me, on the other hand; a suit looks like I'm ready to sell you a used car with no engine.

I enjoy spending time with Ali because we explore all areas of life when together. We talk about worldly issues, love, and gossip about our other friends who aren't there to defend themselves.

Nando: Were you in love with Michael?
Ali: Which Michael? Michael B., Michael S., or Michael G.?
Nando: Uhm….Michael B.
Ali: No. But I was in love with John.
Nando: Which John? John M., John R., or John Q.?
Ali: Nando, why do you shy away from meaningful relationship?

Looking though a rack of clearance items.

Nando: I don't shy away from meaningful relationships. I just haven't found the right person. And who are you to talk?
Ali: I've had meaningful relationships.
Nando: Sharing a worm from the same tequila bottle does not make a meaningful relationship.
Ali: Well, I think you're too picky. Like the sex moan/shake-issue-thing that you have.

Showing him a blue shirt that would compliment his brown suit.

Nando: I will not sacrifice certain things. And pardon me, but I do not find it sexy when a guy is in the "throws of passion" and he starts jerking around uncontrollably before he is about to "explode" in ecstasy. It's frightening as well as disgusting; it's like watching some one have an epileptic attack.

Reviewing a red shirt that Ali gave me to inspect.

Nando: I had a cousin who had seizures and I witnessed a few growing up. And when I'm with a guy who orgasms in a similar way, I think of my Aunt Terry yelling at us, "Go get the spoon to put in her mouth so she won't bite her tongue!"
Ali: I think it's sexy. And what about moaning? You don't like moaning?
Nando: I like moaning. Who said I didn't? And since when do you moan? You never moaned with me.
Ali: What does that tell you?

We took the escalator down to the basement where Macy's keeps their winter coats. On our way down, I noticed that Macy's was in the process of transforming the store into a Holiday Wonderland. It filled me with the spirit of Christmas to see holly, garland, and several disgruntled Macy's employees.

Employee 1: I can't stand all this shit. Now, for the next three months I'm gonna have to see all this holiday crap hanging all over the store.
Employee 2: I know. I hate all this festive shiny shit.

We made it to the coat department and there they were, hanging in all their glory. We picked a few selected styles and tried them on. Once again, when you're short, like me--certain things don't look right. Ali, with his tall frame, was slipping on coat after coat looking a