Only Meant to Say Good-Bye

It happens, but rarely in the movies; they don't always want you to see the harshness of a love-life gone bad, but happily ever after isn't always in the cards. Just like a Kelly Clarkson song, our romances sometimes end up in tears, crushed hearts but with a lifetime of beautiful memories. I met Izzy three years ago and it was just like a fantasy--that should've been my first clue. I tried to be "in the moment" every time we were together but the haunting thought of, "Is this too good to be true?" kept creeping in--sometimes sabotaging the day, night, or even a phone call. But despite the many disagreements and the heartbreaking fight during New Years 2009--we kept coming back to one another only to say good-bye all over again a few weeks later.

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When timing is off in a relationship--as in anything else--you'll have major successes yet even bigger failures. We push so hard for things to work out in life, especially when it comes to love, that we fail to see the big picture or we convince ourselves certain rules don't apply. We're blindsided by the fact that every person we fall in love with--won't always fall back in love with us. And that hurts. In affairs of the heart, the brain isn't always front and center; it's the heart making decisions. So how do we regain our true selves again?

I fell for a brilliant piano player who adored Bach and Mozart and who composed musical pieces in my honor. Have you ever had a piece written just for you? Well, the feeling was overwhelming; he played the pieces with the intensity that our relationship gave off. His artistry and creative process caused me to be envious yet I admired his carefree way of getting up in the morning, lighting a cigarette as he discussed the dream he'd just woken up from.

He wasn't into fashion, rarely combed his hair and the stubble around his baby face intensified my attraction for him. His dreams were always so powerful and filled with life's riddles, and yet, he was only19-years-old; I was 31. And although we connected over art, philosophy and rhetoric, I felt empty because I was no longer me. Somewhere between loving him and losing myself, I become a shadow. And as you know, a shadow only lives in the presence of someone else's light--never it's own.

No matter what type of relationship you're in--when you find that you're no longer the nucleus in your life and he's become the center of your everything--something's amiss. There is such a thing as compromise and "meeting in the middle" on certain things, but I'm talking about losing your whole self in another person...so much that you push your basic needs aside--that's when it's time to reevaluate. In a time when were are all searching for love and romance, I can't help but wonder, "Are the shadows of romance worth keeping if the love-light that's shining isn't your own?"

Have you ever lost yourself in another person? Leave a comment.