Nando & The Samurai

I was having a conversation with my friend Victoria last Wednesday and she brought up the topic of dating in the gay world. She had the audacity to say that gay men had it easier. She doesn't realize how easy the lesbian community has it. I've seen how they do it.....I'm not dumb....I know how it goes down for those taco eaters.

Meeting for the first time at Home Depot......

Lesbian 1: (in a masculine voice) Hi, I'm  Nikki.....what's your name?
Lesbian 2: (in a lipstick voice) I'm Rosa, that's a nice flannel shirt you have on.
Lesbian 1: Do you like to camp? I have a compass  and a canoe.
Lesbian 2: I LOVE to camp....and....I think....I love you.
Lesbian 1: Wanna move in together?

I swear this is how it happens every time. They discuss Ani DeFranco or some sporting event and they find mutual love. Gay men, on the other hand...well, it's not so easy. We are more selective, we have to weigh our options...we think of the future......we plan...we moisturize for God's sake!.

Some raunchy Gay Bar in New York....                    

Gay Boy 1: (sees a hot hunk going into the bathroom and flirts with his eyes)
Hot Hunk: (goes into the bathroom...pulls his pants down and shows off equipment)
Gay Boy 1:  pleasures Hot Hunk in bathroom stall
Hot Hunk: after his explosion of passion.....leaves to join his boyfriend at the bar.
Gay Boy1: (returns to his friends) Guys!!....I think I'm in love.

You get the idea....for us....being in love is more involved. It's more passionate. It's more sleazy, but sleaze is in the eye of the beholder. Now, for those of you who are straight and starting to judge the Gay population need I remind you of prom night? Yeah, I didn't think so.

I put an ad out on the Internet last October. I admit it. I sometimes order out. My personal ad was witty, fun, romantic and had a Latin spicy ingredient that was irresistible to mankind.....or at least within a 4 miles radius of the Brooklyn section of DIRTYSANCHEZ.COM.....don't judge. All the key elements that described me were accurate, were on target, were....a pretty big FAT LIE.....but they're strangers....what do they know? They don't have to know that I refuse to take my shoes off on the first date due to high fungus alerts from sweating. They don't have to understand my obsessive need to go through their medicine cabinet as soon as I'm allowed to visit their bathroom. And....must anyone know my secret desire to search their underwear drawer when I ask for a glass of water?

As I reviewed the responses to my ad, I was shocked, disgusted, I felt violated. Those dirty emails I saved for a rainy day.....but that night....I was looking for romance....for a heart to connect with mine. I was looking for....a one night stand. He responded with broken English and typos. The two qualities I adore in a man. He said he was from Slovakia and lived in the neighborhood. He was on his way to a Halloween party and wanted to know if I'd like to join him. Halloween was one week away and I am not a huge fan of the Holiday. I remember going to the New York Halloween parade with a Pakistani guy I was dating in 2001.

Faizaan: Oh my goodness Nando....LOOK! It's Spider-man!
Nando: You know its a costume right?
Faizaan: LOOK NANDO!!....wow....tall man dressed as woman...you think he is "a gay?"
Nando: Oh good LORD Faizon, learn English, it's not, "is he a gay?" it's "is he gay?"
Faizaan: OH NANDO!!! Look, it is a cat in a hat. American parade is very much fun time.
Nando: I need a drink.


I called the Slovakian back up and said I'd love to attend the function and explained in detail how Halloween was my favorite holiday!! What? His voice convinced me to go. It was extremely masculine, rough, tough, plus....I couldn't understand half of the things he was saying because of his thick accent. He either told me to be on time or dress like a mime....but I thought....surely I must be hearing things. I didn't have a costume. What about stealing my roommate's costume which he purchased two days before? I dug through his bag and discover a Captain Hook costume. What kind of an idiot dresses like Captain Hook? And he's from Pakistan to top if off.....no one is going to believe that a Pakistani Pirate exists. I tell you, since those foreigners have moved in, certain traditions have gone to hell in a hand basket. I decide to skip the costume and meet the Slovakian. Just as a side note, my roommate won the best dressed Pakistani costume in the Pirate category and doesn't fail to remind me how he brought "sexy back" that Halloween.

I took a short ride on the Q train over to 7th Ave in Brooklyn. He'd be waiting for me outside of the train, he said. It was dark, it was humid, it was a Slovakian dressed as a Samurai. This guy was dressed for battle. I know the streets of Brooklyn are bad, but this is ridiculous. I walked over to him and said,
"are  you" ....And before I knew it, we were  locked in a kiss right in front of the Chicken Shack, where you can get 3 thighs,  coleslaw, and a Pepsi for  $3.99. Now, I don't normally do things like this, but I have to admit...there were a little more than parks going off between the sexy Slovakian samurai and I.

We get to the party and people are introducing themselves to me and I am my usual charming self. The hosts are a sexy couple with a fabulous apartment. She works with the Slovakian and is from Texas, so I automatically fall for her, and he is the master mind who constructed their amazing apartment which has 2 floating guest beds in their living room. He was dressed as Chucky and she was the bride of Chucky. I loved his curly wild and mangled teased red hair. It looked just like Chucky's hair. I wanted to ask where he got the wig, but I never got a chance to ask since the Slovakian was taking up most of my time. Eventually the hostess asked if I would like a tour of the rooftop, so I agreed. The Slovakian followed behind. She was giving me the history of the neighborhood, gossip on the neighbors, and the recipe on how to loose 10 pounds in 1 week. She also brought her wedding album along and I thought she looked so beautiful on that special day. She turned the page, and there was her husband in the photo.....with his curly wild and mangled teased red hair. Thank GOD I didn't ask about the hair!! She was called back down to the party and were were left alone.

There I was enjoying the Manhattan skyline from a Brooklyn rooftop with a Slovakian samurai. I felt very romantic, I felt very drawn, I felt very Uma Thurman. All of a sudden, we start to make out and hands moved here and moved there. I looked to the side and I noticed that a few of the neighbors were watching from their buildings. I never felt so trashy......I loved it! I heard my own inner voice say...what are you doing Nando? This is not you...this is not how you were raised.....but that voice was drowned out by the sound of my  zipper being unzipped. The Slovakian inched down to communicate orally.......if you know what I mean.....and I think you do. And right there....before the Manhattan skyline, underneath the stars....and across from the lady in pink hair rollers.....I was serviced. Two minutes later it was over, I zipped up, left the party, and went home to sleep. Ah......and they say romance in New York is dead.


Moral of the story:

a. Foreigners have ruined Halloween.
b.  New York romance is alive and well.
c. Halloween is now my favorite holiday.