Nando & The Presidential Debates

As we walk the narrow road towards Election Day 2008, which by the way will be my 1st time voting--since I only became a citizen of this country about 3 years ago, it will be a historic moment to be a part of. I hope everyone reading this has registered to vote...and votes! Please don't make me link that horrible 5 friends video again, I don't think I can't take another look at Halle Berry's over-acting. It's what happens when you take time off from having a baby--just look at Sarah Palin. Oh wait--she didn't JUST have a baby did she? Luckily her daughter was pulled out of school and treated for mono the same time Sarah was giving birth to my little buddy, Trig. THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMMMM?

Enjoy the following blog from our "other little buddy," ¡Jab!


Before I get to the Politics, I wanted to give my take on Nando and the door opening fiasco. People don't notice things that are meaningless to them (like the woman). You notice the things that you are drawn to (like the package). You should have pushed her out of the way and opened the door for the package...and then walked closely behind him.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah! So the Town Hall Debate is over. And I know some people don’t speak Politish, that’s the language of Politics. It’s a very tricky language, a close cousin to Legalese. You THINK you know what they are talking about, but there are subtleties that the novice may miss if you aren’t paying attention--especially when it’s being spoken directly to you. So what I’ve done is give a few translations of what I think are some key points in this debate. I think it is extremely important that people have a clear understanding of where the candidates stand.

*Allen Shaffer, 1st questioner: With the economy on the downturn and retired and older citizens and workers losing their incomes, what's the fastest, most positive solution to bail these people out of the economic ruin?
TRANSLATION: “If I can’t find a rich ass sugar momma to take me in like McCain, what should be my plan B?”

*Brokaw: May I remind both of you, if I can, that we're operating under rules that you signed off on and when we have a discussion, it really is to be confined within about a minute or so.
TRANSLATION: “I’m a crotchety man with no time to hear your stump speeches. So just shut up when I tell you and nobody gets hurt.”

*McCain to black questioner: I'll bet you, you may never even have heard of (Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac) before this crisis.
TRANSLATION: “Look porch monkey. Stick to the government agencies you know about; Welfare, Food Stamps, CPS and the legal system.”

*McCain: I’ve taken on the big money people.
TRANSLATION: “When my wife won’t give me my allowance I put her in her place. Then she sends me to my room. Thank God it’s in house #3 while she’s in house #7.”

*Obama: After 9/11 Bush told us to go out and shop.
TRANSLATION: “I still can’t believe you dumb asses re-elected him.”

*McCain: Who voted for that Bush bill? That one.
TRANSLATION: “I’m not gonna acknowledge that this guy is a human being, much less the guy that’s about to beat my ass in the election.”
Bonus example, Ross Perot: “Hey look, I don't have anything to prove to you people."

*Brokaw: Bush said last summer that "Wall Street got drunk”.
TRANSLATION: “Bush said last summer that ‘Wall Street raided my stash and called dibs on all my good shit’.”

*McCain: Nailing down Obama’s tax plan is like nailing Jello to the wall
EDITOR’S NOTE: Actually I’ve tried something similar to this before. Not that easy, but the results are well worth it.

*McCain: I’ll double your child’s tax credit.
TRANSLATION: “Can I buy your vote please?”
It’s almost like the crackhead in Jungle Fever. “C’mon! I’ll suck your d$#k!”

*Obama: McCain’s plan won’t guarantee that your mammograms or your maternity are covered.
TRANSLATION: “Ladies, I’m a fine ass Black man and I need some more of Hilary’s voters. So just turn down the light and let me do all the work.”

*McCain: My military record is a record I’m willing to stand on.
TRANSLATION: “And if I stand on my tippy toes I can raise my claw-like hand high enough to reach Obama’s neck.”

*Obama: This is the guy that sang “bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran.
TRANSLATION: “Wasn’t McCain one of the original Beach Boys?”

*And finally, McCain: These calamities have to be tempered with our ability to affect the situation. That requires a cool hand at the tiller.
TRANSLATION: And no one has a colder hand than me.
BONUS THOUGHT: “Oh shit! There’s no one here old enough to know what a tiller is!”

So in my infinite wisdom, I declare Obama the winner of the debate. What is my basis for this conclusion? He looked the best in that spruce ass tailored suit. CASE CLOSED!

¡Jab!

note from Nando:
active links are seen in red, feel free to go back and click