Nando & The Ambulance

You know that cupid has shot an arrow in your butt, when you can't stop thinking about that one special person. The way he winks at you, the way he gently rubs your arm when lying next to him, the way he rips your heart open and stomps on it as he insults your ways.

Off to Collin's house I went last night as he invited me over. Before I got to his house, without the wine, I called, telling him my long sad story of 2 debit cards, a Chinese wine seller, and an identity theft situation. He appeared a bit annoyed as he said, "Fine, I'll get the wine." I thought to myself, "How Rude!" Here I have been dealing with a non-English speaking Chinese man, with a twitching left eye, trying to find a semi-sweet white wine (since red wine will stain the pearly whites and and I have to make the most them until my next visit to Dr. Teeth Bleacher) and he just reduces the situation to nothing...can I get a break here people?

Chinese Wine Man: U wanna wine? How much dollar to spend? (insert eye twitch)

Nando: Well sir, I am not a connoisseur of wines but I know that something under $8.99 would be perfect. Maybe from France? (staring at left eye)

Chinese Wine Man: $8.99? You can get a gallon of Hawaiian Punch for that much. (eye twitching becomes faster)

Nando: Okay, fine, what do you recommend? (staring at left eye)

Chinese Wine Man: This here, good wine, very good. So good I almost nosell to you. $31 dollar. (eye still twitching)Nando: Okay, ring it up. (looking away from eye)

Chinese Wine Man: Oh....card decline! Next in Line.....!! (eye goes into twitching over drive)

Nando: (Calling bank)

Automated Bank response: Your old card has been deactivated and your new card needs re-activation. Our offices are currently closed, please try again tomorrow. Have a nice day.

I call Collin to let him know I am downstairs. He opens the door. Its Collin, but 5.0 revised Collin. I recognized his manly frame, his cinnamon toned skin, his intense brown eyes, but he now has a sexy shaved head and his scruffy beard is now a masculine-shaped goatee. I can't stop staring at him. I WANT HIM. I NEED HIM. He turns to me, and as I come close to his plump lips...he says, "Do you realize I have a bell? If you ring it, I can buzz you up and not have to come downstairs to let you in.

Look, Here it is, apt #2."We get upstairs and open the wine, I explain what happened with the wine, but he seems to question my dilemma. I have to just let it go, unless he wants to take a 30 minute train ride to Midwood, Brooklyn where the whores are extra trashy, Jews make the best vanilla rugalech, and the twitching Chinese man was unsympathetic to my needs. There we were, in his apartment, which is actually a romantic newly renovated Brownstone. I enjoy his place as he always has perfect mood lighting and the most romantic music playing. It's like a page straight out of "Well hung stable boy meets the Virgin Contessa ." We haven't seen each other in a few days and he begins to tell me about his job interview that he had earlier in the day. Just when he accepted a job and will start in a few weeks, a new opportunity for a Business Analyst/Project Manager became available and he is weighing his options. He went into detail how it was a panel interview and what it consisted of. My mind begin to drift off into his office space where I see a new lamp brightly illuminating the area. I begin to ignore him only catching a few key words that he is saying.....and I began to redecorate his apartment in my head. "No...no...no....you can't have that cabinet there.....it will counter balance the window, and who puts their stereo next to their printer? God, he needs me. And oh my......I see what he was trying to do here...but really?" All of a sudden I notice..... the silence.

Collin: Was I boring you? (gives me a sexy wink)

Nando: Noooooooo!

Collin: Well, I was telling you about my day and you looked away and were staring off into space.(touching my arm in a seductive manner)

Nando: Nooooooo!

Collin: If you don't want to hear about it, just tell me, it won't hurt my feelings. (blowing me a kiss)

Nando: Nooooooo!

Collin: Okay, So as I was saying.....

Nando: (Drifting off into the kitchen area now.........)I was amazed at how much he was talking. Don't get me wrong, it's just that he never talks. I'm always the one who has to fill the void, the silence, the emptiness around us. I think an entire hour (and 3 glasses of wine) went by without me saying a word. And as we finally decided to call it a night and headed towards bed, I made the following comment on the evening.

Nando: You know Collin, it was really nice how you opened up to me tonight. I feel special...like you are allowing me into your world. I really want to thank you for sharing. In all the time we have known each other, you've always been the handsome silent type.

Collin: No Nando, it's just that you never shut up and you never let me talk.

I couldn't sleep that night. Was it true? Did I tend to dominate conversations? Yeah, my roommate tells me all the time that I don't listen and I talk a lot, but he doesn't count. And yeah, I have heard it from other people like coworkers, parents, relatives, clergy.....but is it true? I need more proof....I need a sign from God. But one thing I couldn't get over is, normally I'd be upset at this remark and how he just bluntly released it into the universe, but somehow this blunt quality of Collin's had increased my burning desire for him. I craved this man like a vegetarian craves tofu scrambled eggs with ranchero sauce. My passion for him was beginning to erupt like the raging Kilauea Volcano in Hawaii. Thoughts of Collin in the "throws of passion" were circling my head......until I finally feel asleep....dreaming of Ricky Martin.

The next morning, as I was leaving, he said, "I'm really glad you came over Nando. I like spending time with you." He reached for my hand, gave me a peck on the cheek, and opened the door for me. As I was half way down the stairs I looked up and he winked at me, "Have a good day okay Nando?" He gave me hope, he gave me opportunity, he gave me wood.

As I walked over to the bus stop I realized that I wasn't the only one struggling with the same issue. It seems that many people in relationships are involved with someone who is a little blunt. Usually I walk to the train station, but today I decided to take the bus to the train. Which bus do I take? I approached the lady standing underneath the bus stop. She had 3 gold teeth, ragged braids, a bandanna, Nike high tops, an enough "bling" to open up her own pawn shop.

Nando: Excuse me, do you know which of these 2 buses goes to the Franklin stop?

Lady: I don't know shit!

Nando: (rapidly walking away from lady)

Lady: (coming up to me after 5 minutes) I'm sorry.....I was in the middle of an asthma attack when you asked...what did u want to know?

Nando: (scared to be yelled at again) ...which bus goes to the Franklin Station?

Lady: The B44

Nando: Thank you.(Man walking out of the Deli behind us eating Twinkies)

Lady: Carl....you goddamn idiot.....are you eating Twinkies? I was in the middle of an asthma attack and you go and get Twinkies? Ain't that a shame? What the fuck kind of husband are u Carl? I could have passed out Carl. Then what? What Carl?

Carl: (.....eating Twinkies......)

Lady: I could be dead right now in front of you Carl. What you got to say about that Carl? huh? You ain't shit Carl. But you got some Twinkies in your stomach.....Ain't this a bitch? I can be here talking to you DEAD Carl......I can't even imagine that. Can YOU Carl?

Carl: (Looking at her with a blank stare.....eating Twinkies.....)

Lady: (comes up to me) What kind husband is he? TELL ME??? What kind of husband doesn't call 911 when his wife is here...almost dead....turning BLUE....with an asthma attack?

Nando: (confused ....shrugging my shoulders..... as I turn towards Carl)

Lady: What kind of husband ARE you Carl? Huh? Can you answer me Carl?

Carl: Babe....I don't know...?

Lady: Well what DO you know Carl?!! What do you know? When a person clutches their chest and can't breath and turns blue? What the fuck do you know Carl?!!!! CAN'T EVEN CALL ME AN AMBULANCE !! Carl.....you didn't even call 911! Carl....let me ask you.....who drove you to the hospital when you got shot? I did....I DROVE you Carl!!!

Carl:....Yeah,....but you're also the one who shot me?

Lady:.....but I could have left your sorry ass dying Carl....but i didn't....did I CARL?

Carl: (finishes Twinkies, runs to the pay phone, and dials 911) My wife can't breath....she is blue....and she is having an asthma attack!!

Lady:....I still can't breath....give me fucking cigarette Carl! I need to relax before the ambulance gets here.

Carl:...at the corner of Greene and Franklin ...I need an ambulance for my wife. Babe, she wants to know do you have chest pains?

Lady: ..DO U? Do you have chest pains CARL?Right at that moment, the bus arrives, Carl hangs up the phone, and we all get on. We ride to the Franklin Station and while waiting for the train, an ambulance arrives a few blocks away.

Carl: Babe, I think that's your ambulance.

Lady: Shut the hell up Carl, you are getting on my last damn NERVE!

The Moral of the Story:

a. Carl needs psycho therapy.

b. Nando has a major crush on Collin.

c. Ambulances in Brooklyn are fast!