Nando & Piney Point

I've been living in New York City for six years now and I miss it more each time I leave. Why is that? It's one of those pondering questions that will plague mankind for ages to come, like why does there have to be death? Why does war exist? And how can Rosie O'Donnell get away with minimal make-up coverage on The View? I recently accepted an eight month freelance photography job working for a cruise line in Hawaii and will leave New York by the end of June. Hold your aloha's...before shipping away to the land of coconuts, Kalua Pigs, and Luaus, I had to participate in a one week safety training course (mandated by the cruise line) in a magical place called Piney Point, Maryland, where gophers and dignity go to die.


I found myself at JFK airport early Saturday morning (May 19th) reading my itinerary for the week. I felt as if I was going back into time, except Michael J. Fox was not the main character in this movie. Monday I was to attend orientation for class 127. My day was broken down into 2 sessions on Tuesday, first I'd attend Crowd Management then I'd make an appearance in Basic Water Rescue. At this point I was beginning to question why I had accepted the job. On Wednesday, fire fighting class, which came across as attractive as Nicole Richie in a bathing suit is where I'd be expected to put out a burning building, just in case a fire hazard occurred while on board the ship in Hawaii. Did they not understand that I NEVER put my eyebrows at risk? I can't singe these puppies....what will become of me? I mean sure, Whoopi Goldberg can get away with it, she's won an Oscar for God's sake, but not a gay Mexican kid from Odessa, TX. Thursday was Personal Safety and ethics day....thank the heavens....I was finally going to learn ethics! And Friday were the CPR festivities.


I hurried out of the plane once it landed in Maryland, as I was trying to get away from the Korean lesbian flight attendant I was trapped with. She was evil and offered no comfort when the small plane began to shake. It must have been a purely automated response, but I immediately began to ring the help button above me when the plane began to violently convulse, only to be confronted with sarcasm and lesbian charm.


Nando: (in a slight panic) Uhm....Are we dying? Is the plane going down?
Lesbian Flight Attendant: No, and stop pushing the button! Would you like some pretzels?


I retrieved my luggage and began my search for signs that read "Piney Point Recruits," as instructed by the HR contact for the cruise line. I found an odd-looking group consisting of two women and a man who were as enthused to greet me as they were to greet their diagnosis of lung cancer. They each had a cloud of Marlboro smoke surrounding them which seemed to dissipate as they instructed me to sit quietly and wait for the other recruits. One by one, these recruits appeared and when we reached the number ten, we were shuffled onto a van. One woman instructed us to follow her as she was our driver for the luxurious two-hour ride. She had a dagger tattoo on her left bicep and lucky for us, she had her hair in a pony tail which exposed her skull and bones tattoo in a nice manner.


Woman: (in a scruffy tone) Piney Point is out in the middle of no where. You can't run, you can't hide. It's two hours away from civilization and if you need to pee go now cause I only stop for red lights and heart attacks.


She meant business and a few of us decided to take advantage of the airport bathrooms knowing that a two hour drive with this broad was going to be an adventure....particularly with no bathroom breaks. As we drove off, the van filled with strangers was silent. It was up to me to bring this group together. I would take charge, break the ice, and go down in history for getting a van load of strangers (besides a bus load of convicts on there way to death row) to openly converse. I struck up a friendly exchange with the woman next to me. Within five minutes I was bored with her story and wished she'd choke on the gum she was aggressively chewing as she explained her fantasy of being Snow White at Disney Land. Eventually I gave her the brush off, and made my way to the lady next to her, but she refused to take her ipod off and when she flashed her gold rooted tooth at me, I decided to leave well enough alone. Before I knew it, the entire van was having mini conversations and my mission had been accomplished. So I celebrated with a nap.


Once we arrived at our destination, a hotel in the center of no where in what looked like a collage campus, we were greeted with a chorus of Alohas from the "natives." The natives consisted of other future employees of the cruise line who were there for training, but theirs consisted of four glorious weeks at Piney Point. We were given a majestic tour of the facility by our two Hawaiian Shirt wearing hosts, Sammy and Adrienne.


Sammy: Aloha! (greeting us with his open arms) Oh I just love the newbies! Oh, before I forget, here are your lays. You will have to wear them until you get your name badges. They're so pretty. This lets everyone know that you're new and they will HAVE to be friendly.
Adrienne: Yeah.
Sammy: Where shall we start? Oh I know! Let's take them around the front and go from there.
Adrienne: Yeah.
Sammy: Oh I just love that you guys are all photographers. The "creatives!" We have ducks over there if you wanna take pictures.
Adrienne: Yeah.
Sammy: We have movie night, so come down with your pillow around 9pm and meet us at the auditorium. We used to have a trip to Target every week, but some people messed it up by going over to the Burger King and got left behind. I hate that Kate! She sucks!
Adrienne: Yeah.
Sammy: People will be jealous of you all because several rules will not apply... because you're "photographers." You won't have to wear a uniform like the rest of us while in training....you're so lucky! My Hawaiin shirt makes me look like I have square hips, like my aunt Georgina! But I hide it well. It's all about how you accesorise. You won't have problems making friends, just be ware of the PPR's. Piney Point Rumors spread like wild fire here. I should know, I started three myself.
Adrienne:Yeah.
Sammy: And just in case you get a PPL, that's a Piney Point Love, make sure it's discreet. Adrienne has one. She met her man on her 3rd day here. They're so much in love.
Adrienne: Yeah.


Rumors, affairs, movie night? I felt like I was back in high school. I was EXCITED!! I'd get to live my high school years all over again and for one week , I'd be part of the cool crowd, "THE PHOTOGRAPHERS." I wore my red lay as a badge of honor, I swished that botanical substitute around like I was David LaChapelle. People were friendly, a little too friendly for my taste, as I kept getting bombarded with "Alohas" every time I entered a new area. I couldn't tell them what to do with their "Alohas" if I wanted to make it through an entire week there, so I did what I do best, I faked it. (sex excluded, well...maybe sometimes....but not too often).


Monday's orientation was excruciatingly painful, it was like listening to a Clay Aiken album. We received a list of bad behaviors that would get us expelled from training which would lead to getting fired, they enforced the 12 am "lights out" rule and we were given two motivational speeches consisting of quotes from dead presidents, famous Captains, and a line from Dirty Dancing. As I looked around, I saw desperate faces, raw emotions, struggles to break free....and these were the instructors. The employees in training, on the other hand, were flying high on the idea of soon being in Hawaii. I didn't want to burst their bubble, but they were maids and janitors...their job would be to clean up after people in Hawaii. I should have been paying attention to the "What to do if pirates attack the ship" lecture, but I couldn't help notice the major age gaps in the room. There were approximately 300 people present and half were 18-23 year olds, as they were throwing spit wads around the room and making farting noises. The other half consisted of 38-45 year olds, as they wore a face of "this is my last chance to prove to my family that I AM something, even though I'm twice divorced and have a history of substance abuse." Where did I fit into this equation? I mean, it was clear to me, as it should be to you....I was better than everyone there.


Tuesday rolled around like Paris Hilton in a sex video...fast, furious and full of moans. I was nervous about making it to class on time since I was warned that the instructor was an old Navy Captain and he would not tolerate tardiness. I found a seat near the front and settled in. Gradually, the class filled up. Then, he showed up, the love of my life. He was young, tall, thin, had dark wavy hair, blues eyes, milky skin, and a butt you could bounce quarters off of. His name badge said Christian, he was a Jr. waiter. I'd seen him in orientation and couldn't take my eyes off him. I wanted to burst into Mariah Carey's, "We Belong Together." He had a sexy disposition and a permanent bad boy smirk. I liked him. I wanted him. I needed him. I accidentally stabbed him with my pencil when he walked by. I got nervous as he approached and I jerked to look away and that's when my pencil flew out of my hand and into the air which then landed on his foot. Before I could offer an apology or wipe the blood away, the instructor walked in. A hush fell over the room. He wrote his name on the board in an artistic way, which lead me to believe he yearned to express himself creatively and was forced into a life of ships, battles, and badly tailored pants due to family peer pressure, when in fact all he wanted was to finger paint daisies by the shore front.


Instructor:(in a military commanding way) I'm here to teach you crowd management! By the time you leave this class you will in deed be able to maneuver a mass through a burning ship and bring them to safety! I will not tolerate sleeping in this class. If I even THINK you are going to close your eyes, I will ask you to leave and you will have to come back next week to make up the course. Do I make myself clear?
Class: Yes sir!
Instructor: Walter, why are you here?
Walter: Well, sir...my wife left me and I thought I would get back at her by....
Instructor: Walter, we are not here to offer you comfort....we are here to get you ready to handle a crisis, am I CLEAR?!
Walter: Yes, sir!
Instructor: Rochelle, let me ask you something dear. How did you get to Piney Point?
Rochelle: (in a weak and timid voice) I flew here sir.
Instructor: Did you ask the pilot to see his pilot license?
Rochelle: No, sir.....
Instructor: So you just assumed he had one? Was he sober? Was he? Did you check that Rochelle? Did you?!!
Rochelle: No, no sir.....
Instructor: So you put your life in anothers hand and didn't bother to check their sobriety? You're a stupid girl Rochelle!
Rochelle: Yes, sir...I know.
Instructor: Tyler! What will people on the cruise ship assume about you?
Tyler: That I am a good person.
Instructor: To hell with that Tyler! You take the hotel and restaurant out of this vessel and what do you have? A ship in distress!
I am your savior today Tyler! With my help, you will learn all there is to know to get through this ALIVE! Now, let's watch this 45 minute reenactment film on the top 10 mistakes made on the Titanic.


Did he just say the Titanic? The film came on and so did I. It was obvious to me that Disney did not produce this film, by the actual footage of dead bodies floating by on the ship's deck and people burning up in flames as they jumped ship. What was I getting myself into? Was Hawaii that important? Come to think of it, Hawaii has never been on my top ten list of places to visit. Was I willing to risk my own life to save the life of a fellow human being? As the film progressed to the staff being held hostage by terrorists, we heard the whipping sound of a ruler hit a desk. The instructor told Michelle to leave class as he saw her close her eyes. She gave some lame excuse that it was only an extended blink, but this excuse didn't fly. We had our first casualty. I didn't really like Michelle, she had a beastly wart on her big toe that was very repelling.


Instructor: Cliff, who is coming on board?
Cliff: People on vacation sir.
Instructor: What about murders? Do you think we allow murders on board?
Cliff: I'm not too sure sir.
Instructor: Sure we do. They don't wear a tag that says MURDERER, we let anyone on board. What about cripples? Do you think we allow those bastards to? Well the answer is yes! And do you know what the wait time to abandon ship for a cripple is Cliff? Let's just say, you never want to find out.


As the class went on, I decided to slip into denial. These things would never happen to me. I was going on a nice ship where fires never occur, murderers and cripples weren't allowed, and Christian and I were sharing a small two bed cabin with teal colored silky sheets. My fantasy was interrupted by the instructors rant on missiles hitting the ship.


Instructor: Andrea, what's gonna happen when a 747 crashes on the side of the ship and rips the thing in two?
Andrea: (confident in her response) I will notify the bridge (captain's area) and sound the alarm.
Instructor: WRONG ANDREA! You are gonna bend over and kiss your ass good bye girl, there is no procedure for that situation.


We completed the four hour required course and we were now certified to manage a crowd in a crisis. Soon it would be time for water rescue, where I'd get to see Christian in his swimming gear. I knew praying for speedos would be out of the questions, but maybe something tight wouldn't be too much to ask for? After lunch, we ascended onto a broken down school bus that was scheduled to drive us all off campus for our water rescue course. The bus filled up and I was in a seat by myself. We were waiting for one person...Christian. He finally appeared, and had no choice but to sit next to me. I took advantage of the situation and used my professional human services training to inquire about his life, dreams, and sexual preference. He was 18 years old, had no life ambitions, and was straight. He was perfect for me! Did I mention he was gorgeous? As his piercing blue eyes explained how his life needed direction, I couldn't help but notice his lips and how they parted and came back together again, like the Red Sea in the bible days. Did I mention he was gorgeous?


Christian: So basically I am going to Hawaii cause I didn't want to get a real job.
Nando: I see, very fascinating.
Christian: You're a photographer right? Did you see the ducks?


Our group of fifty slipped into our swim wear and entered a building with a huge pool. The goal was to simulate various scenarios such as help passengers with their life vests, abandon ship, and tie dead bodies to the raft if we saw any floating by. We had two instructors for this class and both were very gentle with us. I couldn't wait to see Christian all wet in his lime green board shorts. Did I mention he was gorgeous? He was chosen to be the first victim and we all had to rescue him. I was excited to perform my water rescue duties, but then I thought, "what if the real passengers are not this sexually appealing?" Will I want to dive into the cold ocean and bring them to safety? The rest of the class went off without a hitch, well, except for claustrophobic big girl who was rather large in size and couldn't get her breathing gear on because of her phobia. I wanted to tell her, "Listen sister, get your big ass in that mask because you're holding up the group and Christian's sorts are drying too quickly in this humidity, so snap out of it! Instead, I gave claustrophobic big girl a condescending smile which she took the wrong way.


Claustrophobic big girl: Hi, you're a photographer right? Did you see the ducks on campus? Well, anyways, can you help me with my mask?
Nando: (hating to help) Sure.
Claustrophobic big girl:(breaking into a grateful smile) Oh thank you. I have low self esteem and I was intimidated to ask anyone else. I think I'm going to die if I put this mask on.
Nando: (tired of hearing her rant) Here, put it on and get in the water.
Claustrophobic big girl: (trembling....as she puts her mask on and sounding muffled) Thank you.


As I laid in bed that night, I began to think about my new life and the new chapter I'd be writing in my life's journal. I'm 31 years old and made a life changing decision, to ship off to Hawaii. Was I making the right choice? Was I running away from something in New York or was I going towards something better in Hawaii? Would I be able to find what I was looking for there? Would I be able to find my purpose in life? Would I be able to find the reason for my existence? Would I be able to find my Ogilvy home straighten hair products? This job would give me the opportunity to see new lands, meet new people, and learn new languages....sort of like visiting Jersey. But this was more than Jersey, this was Hawaii. I wanted to see those erupting volcanoes, feel the flames as they roasted a poor helpless pig on a spit, and try on a grass skirt discretely in my cabin. I would take this training seriously and devote myself to making this the best week ever. The next morning I woke up with a horrible sinus headache and decided to skip my new resolution and go back to my old self destructive ways.


We were bused off campus on Wednesday for our fire fighting class. I got to see Christian all decked out like a fire fighter centerfold in one of those naughty boy magazines. Did I mention he's gorgeous? The instructors for this course were abrasive, rude, and condescending, it was like being at a family reunion. They were constantly yelling and making fun of us because we didn't know what agent to use on a class K fire. I wanted to respond with, well you obviously don't know what agent to use on combination oily/dry skin, not to mention which hair product to apply in order to avoid fire fighter hat hair. We each had to put out three different types of fires while sporting our fire fighting gear. It was quite an adrenaline rush. We also had to enter a dark building on our knees and feel around for victims. The majority of the class was complaining about this portion of the course, but living in New York City had prepared me for walking on my knees in the dark feeling around for bodies, especially when I forget to pay the electric bill.


Thursday was miserable, thanks to Susan Ryan and her ethic/personal responsibility training. She was a large woman with an even larger attitude. I was always under the impression that rotund people were jolly, this was not the case. She began class by informing one participant that if she heard his cell phone go off again, she'd take it away and he'd never see it again. All this as she ate her Burger King number 2 meal in front of us. She had a short frumpy hair cut, like Moe from the three stooges, wore medicaid glasses, a blue polo shirt, black faded stretchy pants, and brown hiker boots. It was clear to me that she'd never watched an episode of "what not to wear." I didn't like her. My hate for her was brewing inside me like a double espresso macchiato at Starbucks. She also had a tendency of laughing at her own jokes. Nothing screams "low self image" like being sarcastic, laughing at your own jokes, and repeating the phrase, "do you know what I mean?" I should know, I do all three. Susan paced the entire time she had command of the room. She explained that ethically we had to help people in a crisis and that is why this week was vital....I really should have been paying better attention!! She then scolded two people in the crowd for talking while she was trying to educate us on life saving techniques. According to her, she refused to talk when some one else was talking because she was polite and possessed manners. It was obvious to me that this woman had no manners and she wasn't polite. She'd be the first to rip you open and eat you up had you been on a plane crash with her in the Andie's. She asked the crowd to reveal the worst part of the training. Claustrophobic big girl raised her hand and said water rescue because the mask was confining and the red water suit made her sink. Susan responded with, "That red suit is made of 19% poly-fiber buoyancy material and it is impossible for you to have sunk. And I've got news for you, big girls like us, will never sink in salt water! I was beginning to like Susan after all. She then went on to say that her "better half" worked at the nuclear plant a few minutes away from Piney Point and how there was no real protection from terrorist there. "Wow," I thought. "She has a better half? I wonder if that half is the one with the personality?" When the class was finally over we were each expected to critique the course and I gave her an over all rating of 1, the lowest score possible. I also wrote a side note on my sheet indicating that she was inappropriately hired for this position and I had no true indication of her qualifications on instructing this class as exhibited my her lack of knowledge in ethics and the only thing I learned was how to make shadow puppets while the film was on.


By the time Friday hit the calendar, we were all loopy and ready to fly over the cuckoo's nest. The 7 hour lecture on CPR was boring, luckily I was distracted by a Philippino man sitting behind me who was blurting out racist jokes and teaching me how to write my name in various Japanese fonts. These are the kind of things are that useful in life.The day ended with a mini graduation for all recruits and we were forced to listen to a another motivational speech. We were now graduates of the cruise line industry and were ready to sail off. I was surprised to see how everyone took this graduation event seriously. The women were all decked out in their blue eye shadow, bleach blond hair, and skin tight dresses. Men were in miss matched blazers, ties, and trousers. Once again, I felt like I was home. Some of the graduates were crying as they received their diploma and a coupon for $5.00 off at the nearest Applebees. I felt sorry for these people. This diploma was all they had in life. If you know me, and many of you do, I don't like unwarranted attention. I did not want to cross the stage, maily because of my fear of tripping and having an entire crowd point and laugh at me, but as I crossed that platform, I thought, what if I get that diploma in my hand and I get a surge of pride, a sense of belonging with these people, what if my internal battle to not conform was over and I finally felt like one of them. I crossed the stage and reached for my diploma and waited....and waited....and waited. Nothing happened.



Moral of the Story:

a. We never out grow High School behaviors.
b. You do not want to be on a ship with me if there is a fire, pirate attack, or we hit an ice burg.
c. Hawaii, here I come.