Nando & His Trip

Currently, I'm reading the "Power of Now" and I'm tapping into certain truths about life and the mysteries that it holds for us, but I found something more powerful than the "NOW" and it's called the "RENT," so against my better judgment, I took a two day photo assignment last month that my roommate, Ali, coordinated in Washington D.C. Ali and his friend, Ieeshu (pronounced: E-Shoe), came along since they both have friends in D.C. who agreed to let us stay over. Ali and Ieeshu meet a few years back when Ali was attending a Long Island college. Ieeshu's a 23-year-old dark-skinned slim Indian standing at 5'7", who thinks he's God's gift to women. Ali, a 24-year- old cinnamon-skinned Pakistani standing at 6 feet and 2 1/2 inches (and proud of his 1/2 inch...I'm talking about height here folks), thinks he's God's gift to men. Both have a harsh reality check coming. For the majority of the car trip, I napped in the back seat while he and Ali fought over the music in the car. After an hour into the trip, I heard whispering.

Ieeshu: Yo, is Nando always this boring?

Nando: Ieshu, I can hear you. 

Ieeshu: Oh, sorry.

Ali: Yeah, he's old--what do you expect?

Nando: I can hear you too, Ali!

Ali: Oh, sorry.We stopped at a gas station along the way to fill up with gas and to grab something to eat. We went to the all-American fuel station where you can pump your gas, grab a burger, and make fun of the American population along the way. We decided to grab some lunch at the Burger King section.

Nando: Ieeshu, that chicken sandwich looks disgusting--turn it away from me.

Ali: Yeah bitch, that shit looks gross!

Ieeshu: No...it's actually good, want some?

Nando & Ali: okay, give me a taste.

Nando: Ieeshu, you asked the lady for a small cup to get water, as far as I know, water is not bright Orange!

Ieeshu: Bitch, I'm not gonna pay for a drink. Like you've never DONE it!

Ali: Nando, look at that guy over there--HOTTIE!

Nando: Where? The one with the limp?

Ali: Yeah!

Nando: He has no ass.

Ali: Oh wait, yeah, you're right--never mind.

Ieeshu: You guys are SICK! I don't wanna hear all this "gay shit".

Nando: Oh whatever Ieeshu, as if you and your straight friends don't sit around talking about women's tits and shit.

Ieeshe: Yeah, but that's different. That's hot!

Nando: Ali, look at that guys hands. BIG! HUGE! I can tell if someone is circumcised or not by their hands.

Ieeshu: (spitting up his chicken deluxe with extra mayo)

Ali: That's something they don't teach you in college. Will you teach me?

Nando: Yes, Grasshopper. And Ieeshu, I'll teach you as well, my son.

Ieeshu: Nooooo thanks! I got better things to do with my time.

Ali: Yeah, like call that slut from Florida?

Ieeshu: Hell Yeah! This is why I'm HOT!

Nando: Your dating a Florida Slut?

Ieeshu: Yes sir! Her name is Krissy.

Ali: If you name your daughter Krissy--you expect a slut.

We left Burger King and hit the road. The next few hours were painful. It was like watching two monkeys interact with one another. All three of our phones kept ringing throughout the trip and we each handled our business in different manners. Since Ieeshu was driving, Ali had to handle Ieeshu's business and that's when it got out of control.

Ieeshu: Hey, I just got a txt, check it for me.

Ali: It's the slut. She says she "wants your body".

Ieeshu: Okay, what should I txt her back?

Ali: Tell her you haven't showered yet and she can have it after Wednesday.

Ieeshu: No! Txt her this, "I can't wait to have my naked body next to yours and lick you up and down like a tequila shot."

Ali: I'm not gonna write that--even I have my standards.

Ieeshu: Do it bitch!

Ali got a call which caused him to speak in a sweet and romantic tone. Ieeshu and I looked at each other wanting to throw up our Burger King meal-deals. Ieeshu lowered the music, I think it's a code or something--every time the phone rang, the music went down as a sign of respect. We respect "the phone call".

We were subjected to Ali and his conversation. I was sickening as he was laying it on thick. I began to wonder, "When he and I were dating, did he do the same? Would he call me up when riding around with his buddies and then make faces at them when he'd say things like, 'Okay, well I miss you, too.'" Out of nowhere I kicked his seat, convinced he had done the same to me. "Oh sorry," I said, "I'm just trying to get comfortable back here."

After making a few wrong turns, taking six wrong exits, and crossing three wrong bridges, we made it to D.C. around 6 pm and met up with Ali's friends; Timmy and his brother Ahmad (they're from Pakistan as well). We unpacked our belongings and got comfortable.  Periodically, they'd all start to speak Hindi/Urdu so I was out of the loop a lot of the time. Timmy was extremely nice and said that his brother Ahmad would be home soon. Timmy went to college with Ali and Ahmad was currently attending the same one. While unpacking, Ieeshu got a phone call.

Timmy: Who is Ieeshu talking to?

Ali: Oh, some girl from Florida.

Timmy: Oh, the slut?

Ahmad finally made it home and I took one glance at him and time stood still. I fell in lust. My heart began to race as I saw his milky smooth complexion and his beautiful deep brown eyes that shined like two pennies in a fountain. Just like the sweet perfume that exudes from the mighty golden honeysuckle, I was drawn to him like a bee as he aromatically released his sweet tantalizing secour. He was tall, lean, and "oh" so young. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't 12 or anything--he had just turned 21.

Both Ali and Ieeshu vowed to get him drunk that night to celebrate the age of him coming into his "manhood".

They would celebrate in true Long Island fashion--a few Coors Lights and shots of something cheap. I wanted to talk to Ahmad and get to know him, caress him, lick him, but I didn't want to just swoop in on him like a pelican aiming for his trout so I took the smooth nonchalant route--I avoided him like the plague yet stole quick glances at him every chance I could.

I had a photo shoot in the morning and decided not to go out with the guys since they were talking crap about "being men", possibly getting alcohol poisoning, and staying out partying until the wee hours of the morning. They left around 12am; I went to sleep. Thirty minutes later they returned. I heard them walking in...so much for manhood at its best. Well, they're Long Island men, so maybe that's as good as it gets?

They complained about a boring bar, nasty drinks, and ugly people.  They eventually went to bed around 2 AM, which is when Ieeshu's phone rang.

He walked outside to have a private talk and returned 15 minutes later and went to sleep. Ieeshu, Ali, and I shared one room and two air mattresses. Since I claimed one mattress for myself, Ali and Ieeshu had no choice but to share one. At night, I heard them fighting over the covers because for some reason it got extremely cold. Timmy woke us up at 8 am, when the morning saluted us with its bright sun and cool breeze.

Timmy: Someone left the door open last night, that's why it was so cold.

Ali: Ieeshu, it was you--you dumb ass! You went outside when the Florida bitch called!

Ahmad: The slut called you?

Ieeshu: Yo, I closed the door--what do you think? I'm stupid?

Ahmad, Nando, Ali, & Timmy: YES!

Ieeshu: Fuck you all!

Ali: Bitch, I was cold all night because of you. How could you leave the door open?

Ieeshu: Man, I didn't. I don't think I did? Did I?

Ahmad, Nando, Ali, & Timmy: YES!

Ieeshu: Okay, everyone, just relax--not a big deal here--let's go have some breakfast and just forget about it.

Timmy: You guys go ahead, I have to leave. You're such an idiot Ieeshu!

As we were all taking showers and getting dressed, Ieeshu fell back asleep. So we did what any good friend would do to wake him up in a loving/caring fashion, we poured water all over him. Ieeshu jumped out of bed like a ray of light. I think he was dreaming about the slut because it took him a while to realize he was wet from the water. Ieeshu was mad for about 20 minutes, but eventually lightened up as we start our breakfast journey with ease and respect towards one another.

Ieeshu: Okay bitches, where do you want to eat?

Ali: I want Indian food.

Ahmad: I want to go to a diner.

Nando: Is there any Mediterranean place around here?

Ieeshu: Okay, McDonald's it is.

Ahmad: Let's ask that old lady over there if she knows of any diner.

Ieeshu: (Drives up to the old lady and rolls down his window) Yo mama, do you know where there's a diner in this joint?

Old Lady: I don't know anything--please leave me alone!

Ieeshu: (Drives up to an Asian man) Hola amigo, hey do you know of any diners that we can hit up?Asain man: No thank you, Thailand!

Ieeshu: I'm asking you if you know of diners around here, not where you're from.

Asain man: Thailand? What say? I told!!

Nando: Ieeshu, you don't talk to people like that--you're not in NYC. You have to be polite and friendly. Drive up to that woman over there and I WILL ASK HER.

Ieeshu drives up to the woman.

Nando: Excuse me mam, do you know of any diners in the neighborhood that we can go for breakfast?

Woman: Sure, make a left outside the parking lot, then make a right, go 10 miles, turn at the National Bank, make a quick left, then a sharp right, then go up the hill and back down the hill and you will see a 7-11, so go past the 7-11 and make a left at the Walgreen's and you will then run into Best Buy, circle around the Best Buy facing EAST, then go through the access road and toward the right you will see the Silver Dollar Diner.

We ended up at McDonald's. As we pulled up, I noticed a blue folder on the rear floor-board of Ieeshu's car. I opened it and realized it was a book report Ieeshu completed on some Mother-Daughter story for his English Literature course a few weeks ago. After reading it, I concluded that Ieeshu didn't read the story, but attempted to bullshit his way through the report, then he did something really stupid at the end of his paper.

Ieeshu wrote:"I feel that Mary and her daughter have a special bond as mother and daughter. Even though I am my mother's son, I have a similar bond. I think families should bond together because it shows love and togetherness. It is obvious that Mary has bonded with her daughter and loves her. There are many examples of this in the book. I think the book was a good story and I liked the main theme of love and bonding...........(towards the end of the report, Ieeshu wrote) Dear Professor, I really didn't read the story, but I promise to read it before our next class and will write a better report....sorry for the fake report.The Professor wrote back in red ink."Ieeshu, much work is needed here, I am giving you an F."

As I closed the report, I could only assume that Ieeshu felt pain, embarrassment, and shame for having gotten an "F". This must have been disappointing for him, it must have validated feelings of inadequacy so I took that report in my hands and gave a long hard thought about his fragile state and did what I felt was the right thing to do.Nando: Hey guys, listen to this dumb ass report Ieeshu wrote and failed!!Ali: Read it! Read it!Ahmad: Bring it inside, I wanna look!

Ieeshu: Bitch, that's personal! I can't believe you went through my personal shit!

Nando: Oh shut up Ieeshu, it wasn't too personal, a more personal violation would be me telling everyone about the blue Stamina RX pills I found back here. You know, your over-the-counter VIAGRA pills! Look!(Holding up the pills)

Ahamd: Are those for the Florida slut?

Ieeshu: Ok. Nando. That's it. You're fucked bitch!

As we entered McDonald's I brought along the report to continue making fun of Ieeshu. (Don't judge) In life, it's up to you to make your own fun. We walked up to the counter and Ahmad appeared disappointed since he didn't like the idea of starting out his first meal with fast food. He really wanted an omelet of some sort with home fries but what was being offered before him wasn't wetting his appetite. I felt bad for him and wanted to wash the pain away from his cute puppy-like face by holding him in a tight embrace and singing him a nice romantic bollywood tune, but I was next in line to order and the breakfast combo meal #2 looked mighty good. Instead I forgot Ahmad's pain and concentrated on my pancakes, eggs, and sausage meal.

Nando: (Removing the yellow carton revealing my Mc-Licious food) Looks decent. Ali can you pass the hot sauce?

Ieeshu: (Places his food next to mine including his water cup filled with Pepsi) Damn, this looks GOOD!

Ali: Ieeshu, use a napkin you pig.

Ieeshu: Hey guys, look around. Why are there so many people here so early on a Friday morning? They're all jobless--just pathetic. (With scrambled eggs dangling from his mouth)

Nando: You don't know that Ieeshu. And use a napkin! They might be retired or maybe they're here before work. Don't judge them.

Ieeshu: No, they're all unemployed. Look around you, especially him, with the Hawaiian shirt and flip flops.

Nando: Why did you say "especially him?" Cause he's black? You can't go around saying things like that. That's racist--you dumb Indian!

Ali: Oh, you struck a nerve with Nando. Don't go offending Black people cause this year, Nando celebrated Black History month too seriously and started dating a black guy!

Ieeshu: Yo! You're dating a black guy? Does he have a J-O-B?

Nando: Yes, he does and one where he doesn't have to say, "Thank you, come again!"

Ali: Oh Bitch--he got you!!

Ieeshu: Whatever! I'm not gonna be scooping ice-cream forever bitches!

Ahmad finally joined us after reviewing the menu for several minutes and not finding anything appetizing.

Ahmad: Hey Ieeshu, I just read your book report; have you applied for Harvard yet?

Moral of the story:

a. Think twice about accepting 2 day photo jobs in D.C.

b. Taking a road trip will only strengthen the bonds of friendship.

c. Don't name your daughter's Krissy.