Nando & Chelsea

Picture it.... I'm in a SUV with Chelsea riding down the streets of Brooklyn. Chelsea decided to take me to her butcher shop in Brooklyn and show me around her neighborhood. Little did I know I'd get a cultural education along the way.

Chelsea: (sticking her head out of the window of her SUV) Get the hell out of my way! This is not China. You need to cross the street with little May-Ling a bit faster bitch. And don't be coughing my way, I don't need the bird flu today.

Nando: That was a bit rude Chelsea.

Chelsea: Look at this one here! Hey! Hurry up Paco! When did you get your driver's license? I'm sorry Nando....but your people do not know how to drive anything but a donkey. Yo! Paco....back it up bitch.

Chelsea: (noticing a parking space and decides to pull into, only to be beat by another driver) And look at this shit! You bastard!! You saw me pull a u-turn and you still cut me off, well you better hope the light doesn't turn green as you cross the street cause I will run your ass over you skank.

Nando: Chelsea, you realize she is handicapped and has a disability?
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Chelsea is a petite Italian thirty-something year old with the attitude, opinions and force of a bulldozer…neither Alexander the Great nor Napoleon have anything on her. She can be very charming, but that usually involves her being under the influence of some Class A controlled substance. On the regular, Chelsea will get on her soapbox and tell you how George Bush's grandfather was responsible for funding Hitler's Nazi movement. She will have sweat pour down her face as she preaches on how purchasing diamonds will only aid the slave camps that force immigrant children to work under inhumane conditions. She will point to you and look you straight in the eye as she  preaches  on the evils of modern day trust fund children like Paris Hilton and how one day Paris is going DOWN!   On a side note, Chelsea is the ONLY person on Earth that I allow to call me "girl," it just makes me feel special (don't judge).

I met Chelsea when I started my glamorous job as a recruiter for TTS Personnel. I saw her and thought, she has style, she has class, she has a whole container of jalapenos and I wonder if she will give me a few? It was lunch and I needed my spice fix. She offered me a few of her green fire sticks, and a beautiful dysfunctional relationship blossomed.

She and I often ride the train together on our way home from work. As soon as the train doors close, she scopes out the car. She looks for anyone foreign, fashionably challenged, and/or just plain weird.  

Chelsea : (twitching her nose)  Girl…..you see that Korean woman over there holding the fish?

Nando: Yeah?

Chelsea: All I know is she better not come close to me, cause we all know she has garlic breath and the bird flu.

Nando: Really?

Chelsea: (rolling her  eyes) Girl yeah, and you see that man over there with that bag?

Nando: The bald one?

Chelsea: No, the Middle Eastern one with the suspicious back pack. Girl…. Osama better realize I am watching him!

One rainy night on our way home from work, she convinces me to go with her to the sporting good store. She needed to buy boxing gloves for a kickboxing gym class she decided to take.  I did not want to go, not because of the rain, but because I feel odd in those places. It brings back so many traumatic childhood memories of always being picked last for a team sports, getting laughed at when missing the ball, being called names when I'd "strike out"…..and all that is just from my family!! So I pleaded with her and declared very firmly that I did not want to go, but she used her powers of persuasion on me.

Chelsea: Bitch, you and your skanky ass are coming with me!

Nando: okay.

On our way out, who do we see standing in front of our building taking cover from the rain? I look to Chelsea and ask, "Is that Paris Hilton?" Before I could blink, Chelsea was walking towards Paris with such determination, such passion, and disgust that I began to fear for all our lives. My eyes were front row witnesses to a train wreck.

Chelsea: ( walking up to Paris Hilton:) Miss Paris......You are a skank!

Paris: (mouth drops open and just gasps)

Nando (pulling Chelsea away from Paris ): Chelsea !!

Chelsea: (turning back to face Paris Hilton) I ain't scared of her, she's a dirty Ho, making a nasty video for the world to see, you skanky whore! Don't nobody wanna see your nasty ass doing the wild thang with Miss Shanon's man!! And the stars are blind and DEAF if you think you are starting a singing career!!

Paris : (mouth still open and gasping)

We managed to cross the street but Chelsea is still yelling at Paris from 2 blocks away. My pulse was racing, my heart was pounding, and I was all wet….you'd think I had just been with a man. "I don't think she can hear you." I say, but she's not convinced.Chelsea eventually calms down and regains composure. As we get further away from Paris Hilton and near the sporting goods store, I spot a girl outside a gym, walking on a treadmill. The girl was wearing the gym's paraphernalia from head to toe and I thought to myself, what an odd way to advertise for a gym.

Placing a girl out in the rain on a treadmill seemed dumb to me. The more I thought of it, the dumber it seemed. I gasped, knowing that if I thought this was an outrageous advertising tactic, Chelsea would feel the same way but since she lacks that "inner voice" that we all have...she'd have the need to loudly verbalize it on the streets of New York. Before I could grab her arm to block her view of  the girl in purple spandex, Chelsea, wearing a disgusted grin, is standing in front of the girl and the treadmill.  Chelsea turns to me then turns to girl, and says, "Now this is some stupid shit!"

The Moral of the story:  

a. Jalapeno sharing is caring.

b. Paris Hilton does not like the rain.

c. Gym's in New York need better marketing tools.