Muted Sex, Anyone?

Life is about discovery. At young ages, we learn to distinguish the important things in life like "fire will burn". As curious toddlers, we found out that the Mexican beetle you put in your mouth wasn't as tasty as you had imagined. And as adults, we discover that can you "freak out" the Chinese delivery boy if you answer the door in the nude--which incidentally means you don't have to tip--don't judge.

In any case, the art of discovery is an evolution--a process that shapes us and if we allow it--it brings us closer to those who share similar experiences. Discovering what makes my friends tick is something that shocks and frightens me; yet, I can't get enough. And this is the story of Diego and his Paris rendezvous.

It was a rainy Sunday afternoon in November and my friend Diego was on his way to my Brooklyn apartment for a much-needed hair visit. I met him a few years ago at a mutual friend's birthday party. Initially, this voluptuous 33-year-old from Guatemala came across pretentious and repugnant. I later discovered those were the two qualities that made him unique and worth keeping.

Diego: I don't mean to be rude, but I walked out of the train in your neighborhood and thought I was in Israel.

Nando: It's not that bad--the Jews are friendly here.

Diego: I don't know how you do it. I don't know how THEY do it. I know black is slimming, but darling, wearing it 24/7 must get boring; throw a splash of color in the mix. (Handing me a plastic sack) Here, put this in the fridge so it'll chill.

Nando: Champagne?

Diego: Yes darling, champagne is a must on Sundays.

Nando: I must admit, I've never drank the stuff while doing a home perm, but I guess it takes all kinds. I can't believe you're finally letting me do your hair.

Diego: Well, "poodle" is out (Petting his mini-afro) and mama needs something new.

As we popped the bottle open and began the straightening process on Diego's hair--we chatted about men, sex, and sex with men. Once the bottle was empty, we started on the Vodka I had in the freezer. That's when I learned a few things about Diego.Nando: (Covering his hair with a white glue-like substance) So how was your trip to Paris?Diego: Oh, I had a great time. I went to all these gay bars and made new friends. And I had sex with a mute--more Vodka please.

Nando: What?Diego: A few friends I made earlier that night took me bar hopping. Eventually, we ended up at a bar that had a spiral staircase that led to a dungeon-like room. They encouraged me to go down by myself. It was super dark and...Nando, I'm getting thirsty here, I need more Vodka in order to keep the vocal cords moist.

Nando: (Handing him a freshly made drink) Here you go.

Diego: Where was I, ah yes--(sipping his drink) I went down the spiral staircase. Then I saw a hot French man giving me the "eye."

Nando: (Taming his afro back) Oh, I LOVE the "eye."

Diego: (Slurping his drink and slurring his words) So I walked over to him and smiled. He then violently ripped open his shirt and exposed his nipples.

Nando: Were they pepperoni or chick pea-like?

Diego: Chickpea.Nando: HOT! (Combing his bangs--making him look like Donald Trump)

Diego: I started there and then eventually worked my way down.

Nando: What made you think he was mute?

Diego: He didn't make the normal sounds a man makes when I pleasure him. They were mute-like. Usually I get an "Oh" or "Ah" but his were like "Ewrh" which strangely enough turned me on ever more.

Nando: Maybe it's what the French say. I dated a Pakistani once who'd say "Oof" in the throes of passion. It was like doing it with Ralph, the dog Muppet. All in all, not a bad sexual experience.