I Learned to Interview by Watching Gay Porn

This morning, on route to interview Tiffani Thiessen, I conjured up a little Twitter/Facebook status that read, "On my way to interview Tiffani Amber Thiseen" and a few moments later--one of my many fans/readers responded with, "OMG OMG...who's that?" implying, "who cares?" And they say no one reads me!

But as I sat in the car sent to transport me to Greenly Square Park on 6th Ave and 33nd Street, I began to feel a little knot in my stomach--what am I gonna ask her? Sure, I can always ask the obvious, like, "How do you prevent gingivitis?" or the ever popular, "Was Screech really that annoying in Saved by the Bell?"

But as I got closer to the venue, it hit me, do like they do in Gay porn, and you'll be just fine!

Watching Gay porn has taught me a lot over the years and here are my top 5 rules for interview celebrities.

1. Be prepared, it can happen any time, any place, any where. The great thing about Gay porn is that it happens anywhere. In alleys, backyards at family reunions, and the dressing rooms inside Daffy's on 34th street. Sure, you might be able to predict what's gonna happen, but you have no clue where it's gonna happen. And that's so true when it comes to celebrity interviews; 

when I interviewed Maria Menounos last year, it was a quickie. After being told she wasn't doing the interview after all--I was pulled from my seat and directed backstage. I didn't know what was going on--as I was being escorted by three large Black men to her. I thought I was being kicked out. Then I see her and one of the guys violently hoisted me in front of her and said, "Here." My thoughts were racing, my heart was beating fast, and my video camera was small but yet I managed to get a story. "Tell me about the tweet you sent out early this morning about caterpillar poop!" When you deal with celebrities, you're on their time--and they don't even control their own time--it's all in the hands of their publicist. 

Halle Berry proved it this past Friday when she walked right past me to get behind a large white curtain at Rag & Bone during Fashion's Night Out. If you're Oprah, Diane Sawyer, or Barbara Walters, your interviews happen on a set--if you're a chubby Gay Mexican--you just never know.

2. Have a lot of eye contact. Any good gay porn scene is going to incorporate good eye contact. We gays love to pretend it's LOVE and what said LOVE more than a little eye contact while being pounced? Same goes for celebrities. But you have to be prepared for what's to come. You know that little saying, "It's better to sit 3rd row at the Opera because front row spoils it?" Same concept. Some Celebs are all about the photoshop so when you see them up close you're like, "Damn!" But you have to maintain excellent eye contact to keep their interest. (FYI: I'm not gonna say who it was--but I needed vodka after my interview and a trip to the dermatologist!) 

(P.S. It wasn't any of the already mentioned celebs--they're all AMAZING!) 

(Double P.S. It was a singer) Have I said too much?

3. Be nice and clean. This one is self explanatory, although I think we've all seen a porns that left us wondering--didn't the have the privilege of water before shooting? Take a shower, even a whore-bath if you have too but always be clean! I always pack a new tube of breath mints and start popping them the moment I leave my apartment as well as dip a finger in some cologne and rub that finger everywhere to apply the scent with the goal not being to over power the celebrity with the scent.

4. Sometimes you have to fake it. Even the best porns--right now my favorite is about these hairy Arab men having tea and smoking their hookah pipes when one gets tired and asks his servant for a foot rub--you know where it goes from there, but I digress. Despite the fake moans and groans, it works and that's fine because not every porn star is motivated by their colleague and the same applies when interviewing celebrities, sometimes you get an assignment and say, "Really? Him?" And you show up and do your job regardless. It's professional. 

Unless you're Elizabeth Hasselbeck and you have Katy Griffin on the couch. Did you all see Elizabeth yawn through Kathy's interview on The View? Move over Nicki Minaj, now that's a bad bitch!

5. Make sure to get your money shot. You can't have a porn without the money shot, I mean, even Kim Kardashian knows that! When you interview a celebrity, you have to get in there and dig deep for that one moment that you too connect and see eye to eye on a topic, issue or stance. In my case with Tiffani Thiessen this morning, I knew I had her when I asked her, "Do you have a Gay?" And she responded with, "Of course I have a Gay, every good women should have a Gay Best Friend!" She went on to explain what the #1 rule in picking your Gay...and I couldn't agree more! What's the answer? You'll have to wait for my book--it's all in there, money shot and all.