Friends and Phone Calls

Often, friends will call and want to chat. Depending on my mood—I’ll answer. Last night, my friend Chelsea called; big mistake in answering.  

Chelsea: Bitch, what are you doing? And who ever it is—I hopes he’s the legal age limit!
Nando: I’m on the train, a few stops away from home.
Chelsea: Listen girl, I read your last blog—funny. I forwarded that bitch to my mama.
Nando: Thanks.
Chelsea: Bitch, what is wrong with your ass? Are you all out of Spam at home? You know how you Mexicans like to fry that shit up with some onions and jalapenos and put it all in a tortilla and gobble it down. You all are some weird mofos. But that’s okay—cause I’m basically white trash and I used to eat it too.
Nando: I’m tired, I just met with an editor who wants to publish some of my blogs but they have to be rewritten into short stories.
Chelsea: Am I gonna be in them? Cause I will need you to change my name. Maybe you can use my porn name.
Nando: What’s your porn name?
Chelsea: You use your initials then add your first pet’s name. ”C.C. La Rue,” is mine. Use that girl…cause I don’t want people to know who I is. I needs to be kept incognegro. Girl, the drama if people actually knew I was a white girl from Albany.
Nando: Fine.
Chelsea: Eeew, you are being a stank ho right now and you’re bringing me down. I’ma let’cha go girl, but let’s hang out soon cause Miss. C.C. La Rue is too fabulous to be home alone.

This morning my friend Siobhan (Shivy) e-mailed me and asked me to call her at work. I knew something was wrong as soon as she answered.

Nando: Learn to use dashes. It’ s hard to read phone numbers when you mash them all together.
Shivy: Shut up, I’m in pain.
Nando: Oh, you started the gym—I almost forgot.
Shivy: I need you to remind me why I joined.
Nando: You wanted to be fit and elevate your spirit to the next level.
Shivy: That wasn’t it—I’m a fat bitch—that’s the reason.
Nando: You sound horrible—what have you been doing?
Shivy: I went in on Monday for my complimentary Training Session.
Nando: Where do you go?
Shivy: To Gold’s Gym.
Nando: Where is that?
Shivy: On Gold Street.
Nando: And who’s your trainer? Goldie?
Shivy: No, Yvonne.
Nando: Is she latin?
Shivy: Who the fuck cares about Yvonne? I can’t function.
Nando: That bad?
Shivy: Okay, this is what happened when I got there on Monday. And the skinny bitch kept calling me every name except my own.

At the gym:
Yvonne: Okay Shilo, we’re gonna get you fit.
Shivy: In one day?
Yvonne: We will try, Sarah. Takes these 50 lbs weights.
Shivy: Yvonne, it feels like my arms are ripping out of their sockets and I’m having muscles spasms.
Yvonne: Oh that’s just your muscles stretching—thanking you, even. Good work, Suki!

On the phone with me:
Shivy: The bitch had 12-pack abs, so I figure she knew what she was doing, right?
Nando: Yeah.
Shivy: I can’t walk—I swear if someone wants to mug me—I’ll just surrender, just like I did with the Mexican who mugged me last year. She had me lifting, squatting and kept pushing me to go further, who am I? Fucking Rocky Balboa?

At the gym:
Yvonne: How much does your daughter weigh?
Shivy: 40 pounds.
Yvonne: So you see, Sandy, you can lift this!

On the phone with me:
Shivy: I wanted to say, ‘Yeah bitch, but I don’t lift her over my head—over and over and over again!’
Nando: Why didn’t you say anything?
Shivy: I couldn’t breathe, much less talk. But I did speak up towards the end.

At the gym:
Yvonne: I think you’re doing great, Sheryl.
Shivy: I see 8 of you right now.
Yvonne:  Oh, you’re such a kidder. C’mon Susie—I know you have 4 more in you.
Shivy: I feel dizzy
Yvonne: That’s great—it means your blood is circulating—c’mon Sally, 2 more!
Shivy: I don’t feel too good.
Yvonne: Well, I know you can do it—and listen if you feel like you’re going to throw up—it’s a good sign—means you have reached the goal!
Shivy: Listen bitch, if I throw up I’m taking my fat ass straight to your manager and getting you fired.
Yvonne: I think we’ll stop now, looks like someone’s cranky.

On the phone with me:
Shivy: Nando, I can’t go up stairs. I can’t go down stairs. Yesterday, I peed on myself because I couldn’t squat down to use the toilet. It’s already been 20 minutes, I have to switch over to my right side now… I’ll call you later.