Ever Had a Bad Sex Day?

Sometimes, while riding the Q train on my way home, I stop what I'm doing (reading, writing, or sleeping) and I criticize the freaks on the train (it has to be done) because it just amazes me how I continue to remain single, day after day, while these New York monsters are in relationships, enjoying life with a significant other.

The married Jamaican man next to me needs to be slapped because of his permanent smile. The guy is smiling at everyone as they enter the train. "Snap out of it!" I want to yell. It's so unnatural--like Jennifer Lopez singing a ballad. The married Korean man standing by the car doors is freakishly short, but not short enough to be a dwarf--sorry, a "little person." Who walks out of the house looking like that unless you're Gary Coleman? Buy some shoe lifts for Christ's sake. And if you need help finding them, write me, I'll refer you to my friend Henry who secretly wears them. Sorry Henry, the truth had to come out sometime. Then there's the hot tanned hunk with blue eyes and bulging biceps reading a book (imagine that) across from me. But he's wearing a wedding band on his short and stubby fingers, and you know what that means...yeah, who wants to climb on that short and stubby pony ride?

Don't get me wrong, I'm usually a happy person, like Paula Abdul when drugged, but today I had a rough one. You know what that's like. You set expectations high to only have the world pull its pants down and crap all over them. Today, God took a crap on me. And didn't bother to flush. Now you know what Ryan Seacrest must feel like on a daily basis.

I know what you're asking, "What had happened?" (Please re-read that last phrase in a Puero Rican accent) Well, here's the dirt:

I made plans to meet a guy after work and get frisky at the office. I've always had that office fantasy ever since my lesbian friend Nancy (in Odessa) would take her one-night stands to the law office where she worked as a receptionist and romped around the file room.

Nancy: I brought Lucy to work yesterday and she got so wild, she knocked over 2 potted plants, a stack of papers on my desk and broke a lamp.

Nando: What did your boss say in the morning?

Nancy: Lucky for me it's tornado season and I said I left the windows open.

I've been flirting (online) with a guy named Sam for weeks and I was feeling very "sexy" today and in a bold move I invited him over to make my office sexual fantasy a reality. How cliché and delicious does that sound--like something out of those cheap and tawdry Nora Roberts novels. Don't judge.

I left work as usual so no one would suspect a thing. I pretended to run a fake errand to avoid walking to the train with my colleagues and then I circled back to the office.

Sam met me 30 minutes later in front of the building and by this point my sexiness feeling was increasing, like Joan Rivers and her plastic surgeon team

.Sam: Hi Nando. It’s really nice to mee…

Nando: (Interrupting him) No time for small talk. Come inside.

Sam: Oh, ok. How was you…

Nando: (Interrupting him) What? Sure, day.

Off the elevator, walking towards the office, I reached for my keys and as I turn the corner, I realize the door was open and one of my coworkers was still inside.

Nando: Damn it! Someone's there.

Sam: Well, can't we just go to a bar and talk for....

Nando: (Interrupting him) What? Shhh...Follow me.

Sam: Where are you taking me? Nando, why are you rushing me towards that door?

Nando: We're going to the bathroom.

Sam: WHAT? (Takes a step back and puts his hand on his mouth and gasps) NO! Listen, I will have sex with you in an office because that is a beautiful thing but not the bathroom, I have MORALS!

Nando: How about not full sex but an oral gift?

Sam: I am out of here! 

I don't understand why people have the George Michael's syndrome.

So instead, I walked him to the train where he monopolized the conversation and told me about his 9-year-old cousin, Cliff, who came out of the closet during their family vacation last week while everyone was enjoying their corn-on-cob.

Do you hear the toilet flushing?