Being Gay Saves The Day!

They say living in New York City will toughen you up and this has been proven true--time and time again. But is it possible that living in a city filled with tough people will eventually create an ecosystem of monsters? (Think: Rosie O'Donell) This came into question today when I was dealing with a collection agency.

Nando: Hi, I was calling to talk to Miss Z, but she's out today, could I please....

Collection Agency Operator: HOLD PLEASE.

After hearing a series of clicks and dials and being on hold for five minutes I was transferred to Miss. Z's voicemail. I called again.

Nando: Hi, please don't transfer me to Miss Z, she's not in--may I speak to a supervisor? My bank account has been put on FREEZE by your agency and I need…

Collection Agency Operator: HOLD PLEASE.

After a few more clicks and dial tones, I get Miss Z's voicemail, again. I called back. 

This time I didn't mention Miss Z and just asked for help.

Nando: Hi, thanks for answering my call. I wanted to speak to someone about my…

Miss D: What's your case number sir?

Nando: Oh sure, it's XXX-X-XXX-XX. I wanted to find out…

Miss D: Hold Please.

I waited for about ten minutes this time and I was wondering how many minutes of valuable cell phone time I was just blowing out the window! And trust you me, I'd rather be blowing something else out the window--but I digress.

Miss D: It seems that Miss Z is taking care of your case and she's out today.

Nando: Oh, well I hope she's okay. (I could care less about Miss Z and I was hoping her appendix had ruptured) Is there anything you could do for me? My bank account has been put on freeze by your agency and Miss Z was working with me yesterday but she never got back to me with a final answer. I haven't had access to my bank account for 5 days...the freeze occurred this past Friday around 10pm and it's Tuesday now and I don't' have access to my money. I really need your help, please.

Miss D: (Sucking her teeth) Well, I guess I can TRY to help but you need to back off with the attitude.

Nando: (About to blow my top...but being raised Mexican taught me some valuable skills) Yes, mam. I'll certainly try to contain myself. I don't know what's wrong with me today.

Miss D: I need additional paperwork from your bank--they were supposed to fax it over yesterday but never did. Fax the documents and I'll review your case.

I called my bank and asked for Miss O who helped me with this banking disaster yesterday. She faxed bank documents over to the collection agency in order for them to make a decision on my case.

Nando: Hi, may I speak to Miss O?

Miss O: (Sweet and tender) This is her.

Nando: Miss O, it's Nando Rodriguez, you were helping me yesterday and I just wanted to thank you for that, but the agency said they didn't receive the last set of papers and I was just wondering if you could…

Miss O: (Evil-bitch tone)I FAXED THEM OVER TWICE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE THEY WANT FROM ME. I ALSO CALLED YOU AND LEFT YOU A VOICEMAIL TELLING YOU I FAXED THEM!

Nando: Oh really? Oh, I'm sorry. You know I didn't get a voice message. But do you think you…

Miss O: Well, I would get your phone checked and I would also have them check their fax machine because I did it and I refuse to do it again. I am here for banking issues only, not to work as a personal fax slave!

I knew I wouldn't win this war. She had made up her mind--she wasn't anyone's "fax slave" and her polite disposition had run out--just like Fergie's solo career. What I couldn't understand was why she'd fax over the papers twice yesterday? I got the feeling Miss O actually forgot to fax the second set of papers and was overcompensating through uncontrollable fits of rage--just like Jessica Simpson at a Dunkin' Donuts.

I reached an agreement with Miss O (who by the way needs a protein hair treatment, but I was not about to refer her to the Hair Goddess--let her split-ends get the best of her!) and went in for the documents myself and then popped into a passport photo place that offered fax services and had a nice Pakistani man do the deed. 

Side bar: The last time I had a nice Pakistani man "do the deed" it also involved machines and a ten-digit code--just saying.

As I was walking home I realized that I had to take responsibility for this financial mess. I've never been good at managing my money and I tend to avoid certain things in life that make me feel uncomfortable--like bills--but life has a funny way of sending you reminders, like having your bank account FROZEN leaving you with no access to your money. Was the agency to blame? Was it their fault I was irresponsible? They were doing their job, but their attitude was harsh and it was clear, I was the enemy and even with my best efforts to be proactive and work towards a solution, I was in battle. I decided to "create an intent" with this dilemma I came to appreciate the lesson involved--you can't avoid life. I took a deep breath and held my head up high. Then my phone rang.

Nando: Hello.

Miss D: Mr. Rodriguez? I just received your fax.

Nando: Wait, Miss D, before you go on I need to tell you--I know I got myself in this mess, and I've never been good with my money, but not having access to my money is a new low for me. I'm a chubby, gay, Mexican blogger who needs a break. I will wax your eyebrows, have the Hair Goddess color your hair, and give you access to all the fine-looking straight men in NYC because I know a lot of them! You're in Long Island, right? Girl, I know you need your hair did!

Miss D: (Laughing) Stop! Stop! You are going to get me in trouble for laughing so much!

Nando: Sister-girl, I will buy you a drink once we reach an agreement and we can celebrate. I just need your help, it's been five days girl. Can you imagine, five days? I need help. I really am going crazy here.

Miss D: Ahhh, I feel so bad. Listen, I'm going to lift the freeze. Okay? I'm sorry this happened. And yes, I am in Long Island and I do need my hair done!

Nando: Girl, we are going to take you to the Hair Goddess and J-Lo won't have a thing on you!

Miss D: Okay Mr. Rodriguez, the freeze has been lifted and allow a few hours for it to go through and call me back in a few weeks to set up a payment arrangement for your account.

I may not have the financial savvy to break free from my debts so easily especially during this recession, but I do know that I haven't lost my faith in the one thing God has blessed me with...and that's being gay! Hopefully, by the time this blog gets posted, my bank account will be accessible and baby, it may be only 3PM in New York, but it's "drinking time" somewhere in the world, and this gay Mexican needs a shot of something good. This drink's for you Miss D.