A Wonderful Date with Wonder Woman

I was 24-years old and dating Armando in Odessa,Texas. Three glorious weeks went by when we finally had that serious talk, "Who was your childhood hero?" I was in complete shock when he named the same person I too looked up to. This person had: created world change, demonstrated might, embodied courage, all while wearing satin tights--Wonder Woman.

I knew from then on, this relationship was not only meant to be, but also meant to last for eternity. Four days later, when I accidentally dropped my gum in his pubic area causing him to shave it all off--Armando dumped me.I

learned a very valuable lesson in that brief relationship, to throw away gum before performing certain sexual acts, and that I wasn't the only outcast mama's boy living in Odessa. Although, I was the only boy in the neighborhood who owned his own magic lasso and tiara. Who are you to judge me?

Fast forward to November 2007 while walking through New York's East Village. There's nothing more empowering than being single in the city and feeling like you own your destiny. You take it all in, the freaks on the streets, the urine on the walls, and the poster of Lynda Carter aka Wonder Woman announcing her five-day Cabaret performance at the Regency Hotel.

My heart skipped a beat, I screamed, and my body did a secret Wonder Woman spin transporting me into a Lynda Cater fantasy land as I read, "An intimate evening with Lynda Carter Oct 30 - Nov 3." I had to get more information, I had to go see her perform, and I had to pee. (Wonder Woman excitement does a little number on my bladder)

Nando: Guess who's performing in the City?

Jason: Who?

Nando: Lynda Carter!

Jason: Who?

Nando: Wonder Woman!

Jason: Who?J

ason and I had met a month ago and had been on five dates. He was such a sweet guy and he had a great sense of humor. I felt it was time to reveal a little more about myself, something more personal, unique, and spiritual. I'd tell him about my Lynda Carter devotion.

Nando: You don't know who Lynda Carter is? She played Wonder Woman in the TV series.J

ason: I was more of a Batman and Thunder Cats guy.

Nando: And you call yourself gay? Most people don't know, but she started her career singing. She has a cabaret act she's performing in the city only for five nights!

Jason: So you like this Lydia Cartier?

Nando: Lydia? LYNDA...LYNDA...the name is LYNDA CARTER!

Jason: Okay, don't get all worked up. So what's the deal? You wanna go?

Nando: Do I wanna go? YES, I wanna go, but it's all sold out. I already checked the website and called around.

Jason: Oh. Maybe next time.

"Maybe next time." Was that his way of comforting me? Those were not the appropriate words to do so. "Maybe next time, " is something you say to a person who is having kidney surgery and their new kidney transplant didn't come through. You say "maybe next time," to someone whom you just met and were about to have sex with, but then someone better looking and drunker walked in the bar. I hung up the phone, took out my Wonder Woman DVD set, pulled out disc three of Season two and went to bed...all while staring at my photograph of Wonder Woman on my wall.

Jason called me while I was at work the next morning.

Jason: Listen, sorry if I was insensitive about your Wonder Woman obsession.

Nando: (thinking to myself) Obsession? Who's obsessed? I'm not obsessed. (As I took out my wallet and stare at a photo of Lynda Carter that I printed from the Regency Hotel website)

Jason: To make it up to you--I want to take you out tonight.

Nando: Sure, I'm free. Where do you want to go?

Jason: How about the Regency Hotel to see Lynda Carter?

Nando: (SILENCE) heart racing--

Jason: Hello? Are you there?

Nando: (SILENCE) heart racing-- room spinning

Jason: Nando?

Nando: But, how? I checked and they were sold out.

Jason: I have a few connections and I got two tickets--do you want to go?

Nando: OH MY GOD! I can't talk now; I have to plan my wardrobe!

Jason: Well, we have to be there at 6:30pm. Will you have time to go back into Brooklyn and then meet me at the Regency Hotel by 6:30pm?

Nando: No, I won't. This is a state of emergency. (Hey, if Pakistan can call one, so can I) I'll go shopping during my lunch break.

The rest of the day was torture but it was finally time to leave and I was looking brand new. New slacks, new shirt, new blazer--these will now be referred to as my Lynda Carter clothes. I even went to Sephora for a special treat--lip plumper. You think Lynda Carter wants her audience filled with small-lipped people? Desperate times call for desperate measures. My only regret was that I didn't have any Wonder Woman memorabilia on me that would prove my loyalty to Lynda Carter. I mean, yeah, I was attending her performance and was going to give her a standing ovation after each number, and probably cry when she appeared...but how was I to prove my love and dedication to her?

I met Jason outside of the venue and we went in for a drink. We headed to the bar; a line began to form for the night's cabaret act. I was getting excited and my body was having some sort of anxiety attack. For some people this would be the equivalent of touching Tori Amos' piano, seeing Jesus, or killing George W. Bush. As we finished our drinks, we joined the rest of the line and I noticed a man in front of me carrying a Lynda Carter LP Album that she recorded in the eighties.

Nando: Look, that man brought a record; he's going to ask her to autograph it.

Jason: What?

You know what's worse than going to a Lynda Carter cabaret show with someone who isn't a fan? Neither do I. Thank God for the other fans in the room.

Rumi: Oh, I know. I noticed the album too. Hi, I'm Rumi. I did Lynda's make up tonight and she asked me to come see her perform. (He extended his hand)

Nando: (Immediately touching his hand, knowing his hands touched Lynda Carter's face) Hi, I'm Nando and this is Jason. Can I ask you something? Has she had work done?

Rumi: I'm keeping my lips sealed.

Nando: Really? She has! Nevertheless, she looks fabulous.

Rumi: She's looking GORGEOUS!

Jason: What "work" are you two talking about?

As we were ushered through the room and to our seats, I was positive that Rumi would get the best seat in the house. I was surprised when he ended up on the right side of the stage behind the piano. The usher kept taking us closer to the stage. He sat us at the table located at the front row. I turned to Jason in amazement and wondered how he pulled this one off?

Nando: I know I don't know you very well, but are you in the mob?

Jason: (Wearing a huge grin) No. I just know how much you wanted to see her and made a few calls.

Nando: To the mob?

Jason: No Nando. Just called a few people.

Nando: Who are in the mob?I noticed we all had a little brown box sitting in front of us. I quickly grab mine and rip it apart-- thinking it must be a Wonder Woman trinket. It was a chocolate truffle; I was crushed. I ate my truffle in disappointment.

As the room filled up, I listened to the conversations around me. I heard Wonder Woman trivia.

Strange Gay Bald Man: What year did Lynda win Miss World USA?

The table to our left was quoting Wonder Woman lines. There was a pattern here. These people were freaks. One woman showed up wearing a Wonder Woman T-Shirt. "Damn it," why didn't I think of that?

The majority of the room brought their WW loot for her to autograph. I saw: DVD sets, T-shirts, and photographs. The man sitting behind us explain how in California, a man asked Lynda Carter to sign her name below the tattoo he had gotten of her. After she signed it, he ran to the tattoo shop and got the signature tattooed. I was in a room full of WW fanatics. These people needed help.

I asked myself three very important questions. How could they live with themselves? Had they no lives; no amusement outside of WW? And how the hell did they know more about her than I did?

Jason: Look at these freaks. They're ripping open their truffle box thinking there's a Wonder Woman prize inside. This kills me. I need another dirty martini. This is the real show!

Nando: Don't judge! (Hiding my tattered box remains under my napkin)I scoped the room and noticed that I didn't have the best seat in the house...Jason did. And he was a gentleman; he switched seats with me (only after I complained three times about the pink guitar player blocking my view). Plus, Jason is a lot taller than me and could see over the pink man. Did I mention her guitar player was pink-skinned? Jason said it was the lights, but I know pink when I see it.

It was show time. The lights went down and my adrenaline went up. She started the set with an upbeat ditty and came walking across the back of the room up to the stage. Before I knew it, I was starring right at Lynda Carter and her baby blues. There were screams, tears, and people passing out. Okay, so it was just me but what did you expect?

At one point during the show, she asked the audience if we wanted her to do "the spin," I almost wet my pants. The band played the Wonder Woman theme song, she took her stance, spread her arms apart and did the spin. She spun for us! All I can say is, I can die in peace now. I was amazed. I was speechless. I was annoyed! I looked over at Jason and he was yawning.

Looking up at Lynda, through the eyes of a crazed stalker, at her 5'10" frame, I saw that time had stood still, not only in the room, but in her aging process. She was more beautiful now, then before. Later in the show, she cracked a joked about her plastic surgeon and the room went crazy with laughter. She wore a nice crisp classic white button down shirt with a long black skirt and topped it off with a huge black belt. I guess she can't let go of the huge belt thing--but at least she wasn't wearing a lasso attached to it (I wish I could say the same about the guy three tables down from me).

Lynda wore huge sparkling diamonds on both hands, ears, and her neck. She was mesmerizing and the set she performed was enchanting. She ended the show with her sultry rendition of "Fever", but I wasn't ready for the show to end. I wanted more. I needed more. I HAD TO HAVE MORE LYNDA CARTER. She came back out and did an encore. Then, left--leaving me alone in a roomful filled with freaks and a yawning Jason.

As the house lights went up, I noticed that 90% of the crowd were gay males, 5% were old rich people with their oxygen tanks, and the other 30% were Celebrities. When did they sneak in? I was sitting next to Diane Sawyer throughout the entire performance and never even knew it. Also attending the show was that famous lawyer from that one case we all know about--yeah, that one!

Jason kept complaining about a woman with a heavy drawl behind him. I told him to pipe down several times, but in his opinion, her Texas-twanged accent was driving him crazy. He was about to tell her to "zip it" when I turned around and realized he'd been complaining about one of New York's top fashion designers. I strategically placed my hand under the table and caressed Jason into a state of delight --that kept him quiet.

As we left the show, I thanked Jason, but I'm not sure if he understood how amazing that evening was, or what it meant to me. I'd been on several dates and met many different men, but this date was memorable.

Nando: Did you have a good time?

Jason: Yeah, but that guitar player did have a really pink neck.All I know is that now, as I stare at my Wonder Woman photo hanging on my wall-- it gives me "Fever."

Moral of the Story:

A. Jason was not really gay.

B. Wonder Woman spawned gay freaky fans.

C. Nando can now die a happy man; sad, but true.

What was your most memorable date? Leave a comment.