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We humans tend to live life by a set of rules that sometimes I myself have questioned, "Why does it have to be that way?" And I really can't find the answer except that it's been programmed into my Mexican brain by means of parents, teachers and others who were major influences in my early childhood--damn that Captain Kangaroo! But one of the greatest treasures of being an adult is having the self-awareness to question those set beliefs and smash them to smithereens if they're no longer working for you especially in the areas of life, love and sex.
As I turned 34 years-old this past June, I realized that the secret to success wasn't always doing what you have always done. Remember, if nothing changes, nothing changes and although nobody likes change but a wet baby, we have to sometimes do the unthinkable in order to break out of our rut-patterns and free our spirits--like Patrick Swayze did in Ghost.Some tips I've learned on my own and others are great gems from great people. Feel free to add your own in the comment section; let's make this a group thing like a successful crack-house party.
1. Be 100%: Don't agree to do things you really don't want to. I myself have stopped doing this and yes, some people don't appreciate it but you're the only one who has to look yourself in the mirror while moisturizing, shaving, plucking, blending and feathering yourself. When you do things you aren't 100% with, you, yourself aren't at 100%. And in my case, who wants 32% of a Mexican?
2. Be approachable: Drop the attitude, yes, YOU. In the line at the bank, the post office, the lay-away line at K-Mart--just drop it. We're all in the same boat, let's help each other row to shore, so we can strategize and figure out where the hung uncut men are! I've been to so many social functions where clicks formulate and thrive on exclusivity--why? High School is over; make yourself approachable and you'll see how great things will start to happen; like finding a quarter in your toilet bowl. (that one, I still don't understand)
3. Keep an Ex around: Once all the messy stuff is over and you figure out who gets to keep "what"--like the soundtrack to Gypsy--learn to be friends again; because that's how it all started, hopefully (unless you met in the bathroom stall of Lord & Taylor). I can honestly say that I have maintained friendships with all my ex's and deeply care for them and want to see them happy. In fact, three of them showed up at my birthday party and they all get along very well together. (I just try to keep the vodka away because then it turns into "How EVIL was Nando when he was with you-FEST?") They know you and you know them so you can't lie to one another--what's the point in doing so now? You can help one another grow in new relationships that have developed and be an honest ear when they need it but also kick 'em in the ass when they're not doing right by their new partners.
(Hold on, one of my ex's in calling now--wants me to help him pick out a new pair of sunglasses cause he and his boyfriend are going to the beach tomorrow. Oy!)
4. Let go: No matter how huge and perfectly-shaped his penis was; if it wasn't meant to be, it just wasn't meant to be. Sure, you had some great moments and they'll carry you through when you're sitting at brunch with your friend who is complaining like a "bitch on a hot tin roof" about their significant other--and you'll know that it was never quite that bad but also...it just wasn't that good either. Remember, that two beautiful people don't have to be beautiful together. Let go. (Maybe, just maybe you can eventually reach #3 with them--if you're lucky)
5. Be a giver: When involved in the "throws of passion" you want to make sure and "give back" to the other person. But what if they say they just want to make you happy? They're lying and eventually will start to resent you and leave you with nothing but memories and sex tapes. (Nando's break-up #4.) So if you're the type who rolls-over and sleeps after you EXPLODE with pleasure...take care of them first. It's worth it.
6. Be Anti-Nike: (Don't "just do it") This goes for everybody as I was shocked to hear that straight girls do this too. I thought only gay men go ahead and fornicate with one another just because they're already there and possess the "what the heck?" attitude. Despite there being no chemistry, attraction or payment plan involved, they'll do the "wild-monkey-dance" anyways. NO! I don't agree with this. C'mon, I'm Latin and gay so I live in a constant state of I need, want, and breathe sex but having it with someone "just because"? We need to seriously reconsider this movement. Save it for a hot summer night with someone who's name you might not know, but at least will give you masturbating material for the next few weeks! Let's gather hands now and sing, We are the World. (And not the new version)
7. Don't ever use teeth: No matter how well you claim to be in bed, it all goes down the drain if you use teeth when having mouth-to-penis therapy. I can't tell you how many men I've trained in this field. And even though I've heard from the straight girls of the mythical men who enjoy the roughness of teeth scraping on their genitals--I think the majority of us like a smooth experience. So the next time he unzips and you prepare for hot session, JUST SAY NO! to teeth--Let Nancy Reagan campaign that one!
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