10 Things That are Pissing Me Off Right Now

Guess what? Our favorite guest blogger, ¡JAB!, is back. And consider yourself lucky otherwise this blog post would have been dedicated to Madonna's boy toy: Jose Luz and his sexy new photos. What? You haven't seen them? Then check them out ASAP at Beauty Sweet Spot's

Blog!

So enjoy "JAB's" new post as he rant and raves over some stuff that I find hilarious. Sorry JAB, it's true--this made me laugh all the way home.

There are times when you really just gotta get stuff off your chest. This would be one of those times. 10 things that are pissing me off right now.

1.You know you're ghetto if you have suits the color of skittles.I work in a fairly professional environment. We get some pretty high profile people coming through our office from time to time. This fact is why it just baffles me every time I see this one guy. This guy that rolls through the hallways on a regular in suits colored by the rainbow. Today was green. I mean, a nice olive suit I can understand. Pimp Spike Lee with a gangsta lean's suit was like that of a peanut M&M. A few weeks ago we had the top dog from DC headquarters fly in to give a major speech. And I shit you not, this guy came steppin' in all 5 foot 5, sporting orange....ORANGE! With a matching hat. I'm just like, and you can't figure out why you've been here for 10 years and you're still a call agent?

2.White people adopting Haiti kids. Don't get me wrong. I feel for Haiti and all they're going through. But last time I checked the US Statistics, there were over 100,000 black kids in America waiting to be adopted. Hey White people, go pick up a Black kid around here. 

3.Ellen as a judge on American Idol. Hear me out. I love me some Ellen. She's very talented, has a great show and is a great comedian. So when they start auditioning for stand up comedy, gimme a call. I mean, come on party people! Because she has a great show and dances a lil jig in the opening, she's supposed to have some kind of great musical insight? I can go find 5 people at my job that have more musical accomplishments than Ellen. But American Idol knows their audience. So why don't we just call this what it is. Patronizing the gay community.

4.Haircut by Uncle Barber.So I go to my regular hair salon for a haircut only to find out my regular guy was off that day. I should check these things first, but what are you gonna do? Since this wasn't my first time my guy was out, I'm used to jumping in someone else's chair. I figure, if they work here, they're all good enough to tag in for one cut. I look down the line at all the people that have stepped up in the past, all the chairs are full--except one. It's the guy that I've always avoided, just had a feeling. Maybe it was the way all the other barbers giggled at him behind his back or the that he looked and acted like a Martin Lawrence spoof character from his old show or that his chair was ALWAYS available. That should have been my first clue but I was conned into climbing into his chair.

Second clue: When I told him the cut I wanted, he told me to show him. For those of you who have never been to a Black barber shop, every single one has a poster with like 60 pictures of different haircuts. Most barbers don't use it, they can follow direction. Not this guy.  Number 48  I tell him.  Alright then, sit down. 

Final clue: As he's combing my hair (ROUGHLY I might add. Imagine Celie in The Color Purple) to prepare cutting, the owner walks in and tells him something or other, then walks off.  Who does that girl think she is?!  he says. I reply,  My guess is the owner.   I outta put her over my knee!  That's the kind of talk that you'd think would get someone fired, which I quietly pointed out to him. But that didn't matter to him because  Hell, that girl's my niece! 

Suddenly a cold chill came over me. At first it was due to fear of what was about to happen. But soon the chill was due to the hatchet job he did on my head. Hair flying everywhere. When he finished I looked in the mirror, then I looked at number 48. Mirror. Number 48. Then I looked at the smirk on his face as if he actually accomplished something. So if you remember anything, remember this: Whenever your barber tells you he's the owner's uncle, just get the hell out of the chair.
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5.People trying to talk to me while I'm on the toilet.That's my Facebook time. Why do people at work pick that time to talk about  the memo  or ask,  Did you hear about Derek in Accounting?  I don't even know Derek, you gossiping ninny! Can't you see I'm trying to hide from you people?!‍

6.Facebook Friends and Stupid Shit Speaking of Facebook. I have got to have the most friends that do nothing but post their Mafia War scores like twice a day. If I have one more friend send me  a drink  or  pillow fight  or an invite to some virtual world game, I'm gonna track them down and choke the life out of em.‍

7.Sales people trying to sell me extra stuff.After Uncle Barber mowed my head down, I had to go buy a hairbrush for the first time in ten years. All I had were combs that no longer applied. I made the mistake of going to Sally Beauty Supply. Apparently they're not used to having men come in. This woman proceeded to try and up sell me on everything from exfoliates to a blow dryer to some cuticle thingy whatever. Hey lady, do you see any hair on my head that warrants a hair dryer?? Just ring up my damn hairbrush! Never mind, I'm going to CVS.‍

8.Glee I swear to God, just channel surfing past this show and hearing a bad rendition of  Bust a Move  or some shit just makes my skin turn green, my clothes rip off and I want to smash something. I mean, one episode had some high school football player having dinner with his girlfriend's family. And her dad made him so nervous he had to go get a jambox from some random place in the house, pop in a CD he just HAPPENED to have on him and sing a ballad to the family to express his feelings. A HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL PLAYER! GRRRR!!!‍

9.Brad PittThat boy's fuckin' up. I don't know how his brain  reaches the decisions  it does, but he needs to re-evaluate. And I'm not talking about Angelina. I'm talking about that shit on his face. I mean, really? Have you seen him lately?? I saw him on that Haiti fundraiser and  I was like, please tell me he's in production as the new wizard in  another Harry Potter. I used to think he was so good looking, he could do anything to himself and still look good. I was terribly mistaken.  He only has one thing in life  he has to do and that's look good. And he goes off and grows a Unibomber. It must be nice to be able to take off from work for so long you  can make yourself look like that shit and it doesn't mean a  thing. You know he has a home in New Orleans. Hey New Orleans people, look out for the new panhandler in town!‍

10.Dumbass Sean Hannity...You know what? I'm so pissed right now I can't even keep writing. I gotta go...!Jab!