Have you ever had a friend who disappointed you? I mean, truly hurt you to your core? Fighting with your best friend is normal — but what’s not normal is wanting to cut ties without having examined the situation in its entirety. Remember, there are always 3 sides to a story. Yours, theirs and the truth. I never understood this better than this year. I learned not to point fingers but to be open enough to see that my version wasn’t what truly played out. I may have looked at a situation through a lens of disappointment, hurt or anger which means I added extra drama to the issue. I know I’m not alone out here in doing this.
Dr. Diana Kirschner was a frequent guest on The Today Show and starred in the PBS TV Special Finding Your Own True Love. She is the best-selling author of Love in 90 Daysand—just out now on Kindle— Find Your Soulmate Online in Six Simple Steps. Dr. Diana has helped thousands all over the world use online dating in the most wonderful way—to find a passionate lasting Soulmate connection! Her free Dating Tips & Relationship Advice newsletter is available at www.lovein90days.com.
And in today’s post, Nando interviews renowned relationship expert + best selling author Dr. Diana Kirschner to help you get one step closer to love.
In this interivew we will discuss the do’s and don’ts of online love + explore the great advice Dr. Diana Kirschner has on finding true love via the internet.
- The dos and don’t of an online dating profile
- Catfishing + the money making industry involved in it
- How many soul mates does a person really have?
- 3 Things to boost your online dating experience–RIGHT NOW!
Click the play button below to listen
The #Nando25 challenge idea: We have become trapped to the idea of instant; our internet, our oatmeal, even our love lives are put on the fast track. “I hate dating” or “I’m so tired of the dating rat-race.” or “I just want a relationship.” So we go on match.com and expect to “find love” after 20 minutes of clicking.
I want you to re-read that.
So we go on match.com and expect to “find love” after 20 minutes of clicking.
It seems like everything now a days is high speed, quick-running or just add water and stir. But many areas of our life don’t work that way. I’ve always subscribed to the idea of: anything worth having is worth waiting for but anything worth keeping is worth working for. Are you looking for instant blogger fame? What about a quick promotion to the top? That guy you’ve been dating hasn’t introduced you to his friends yet, what is he waiting for?
Many of us follow a script of:
Once I have my wedding, I will be married, and then I will do what’s needed to make the relationship work.
(Have – Be – Do)
I will do what I need to get my instant blogger fame, then I will have more advertisers, then I will be SUPER BLOGGER.
Once I have a boyfriend, I’ll do what I need to keep him and then I will be happy.
But I’m here to tell you–you have it all mixed up. All of you, even me at times–because of the way we have been conditioned are getting life wrong. It’s not your fault, breathe, relax and get ready to learn.
The correct formula for life is actually:
Six years ago I was on the quest to be a famous photographer. I know, I think the Universe got me mixed up with Mike Ruiz, but I digress. My goal was to photograph celebrities in New York City except I never told anyone about it and never claimed my space, so instead I worked for a firm that treated me like crap. The context I had created around jobs was, “take any job that will have you and be grateful.”
Eventually, I was fired from that place because little by little I was creating a new work context. I wanted it to be fun, creative + I wanted to be in control. Because I was re-writing my job context, my current job was no longer in alignment with the NEW context which in turn, I created the circumstances to get fired–except I didn’t see it that way at first. Because in reality, who wants to get fired and stress over money? Me.
Initially I played the blame game and made then WRONG. Looking back, I even tried to get back in their good graces but it didn’t work. (How many of you have ever done that? You know that a situation isn’t good for you but you still want to go back?…..dating, work, living with someone, etc) There were several questions that popped into my head after I knew I really had no job. How would I pay my bills? My rent? My haircare products?
The guy I was dating at the time asked me, “What would you be doing if you could?” Was he nuts? I wasn’t about to tell him. I wasn’t about to declare that I wanted to be a photographer. What if I failed? What if I was all wrong for it? What would people say? It was all my company’s fault for putting me in this position. (How many of you have also asked those questions when it comes to your dream job or your dream ANYTHING?)
Looking back, I was all about trying to look good and making people wrong. And I stayed in that for about six months. Several shifts occurred.
Relationship: We moved in together and became an official couple which meant we were now happy, right? This solved my rent problem temporarily but then it accelerated our relationship to the next phase which we weren’t really ready for. (Do – Have – Be)
Self worth: I had little of it and until I had a new job–I would be happy.
My relationship began to crumble apart because although the guy I was now living with was a fantastic guy–who bought me my first camera when I finally choose to tell him my dream job–he was really insecure about my new passion. In his eye, because I was now “creative” I would eventually want to be with another “creative” and leave him. So my new photography career, in his eyes, was a threat. I enrolled in an 8 week intro photography course and one week after I completed, I got my first official gig–a wedding. The money I made on that job, I bought a professional camera. And the jobs kept rolling in. I went from taking pictures of people for their online dating profiles, to special events, to celebrities. Yes, Celebrities!
I remember getting the call, it was for a Mariah Carey’s charity here in New York City, The Fresh Air Fund. They called and booked me. They said, “You’ve done celebrities before, right? I said sure! When I arrived, they gave me the “shot list” which is a list of the people I had to get. When I saw the names, I got really nervous. Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Jermaine Dupri, and the list when on and on. It was one of the most exciting events of my life and I can still look back at it and see myself asking Mariah to get out of the way as I took Alicia Key’s photo–which she did not appreciate. Let me tell you, Mariah did not allow any of the other celebrities to be photographed by themselves–she had to be in every photo.
But there was an internal struggle in between my photo class and that event with Mariah Carey. When I made the shift to “photographer” I never really believed I was good enough, and I was embarrassed to hand out my cards. I thought, once I had major clients, I would get more clients then I would be an official photographer.
(Have – Do- Be)
But life didn’t work out that way–and in my head I was never a real “photographer” and I eventually ruined my own photography career, because I just never thought I was good enough. Eventually, my relationship fell apart–and it wasn’t because I found a “creative” to be with. But his insecurities completely took over my then-boyfriend, that I walked in on him having sex with one of our friends. I walked out and never turned back.
But something great did come out of all of this–I remembered while taking people’s photos for their online dating profiles, that I would also give them a quick style makeover and dating tips. I always felt “at home” doing that. In essence, I was already coaching people, I just didn’t know it had a name. And because that felt so natural, I never struggled with the formula, I knew for me it was Be – Do – Have.
I became that dating coach in my head first and I believed in myself. So I had the BE part of it down, but what does a dating coach DO next? Blog? I began my blog several years ago, but it wasn’t advice or tips driven, it was stories of my humorous dating life in New York City–so I made the shift, I was no longer doing personal stories and was focused to helping others navigate the dating trenches. And what happens after you BE and you DO….you HAVE. I claimed my dating blogger hat and my dating + relationship coaching abilities and HAVE clients, blog readers, speaking engagments, a product line (ebook + my Breakthrough Inspiration Cards), and now my #Nando25 Day challenge. (I also got a talent agent who is sending me around for various reality shows–she found me online and after reading my blogs and watching my videos, reached out and said, “Nando, I want to represent you!”)
Life will throw you in different directions, and you will have many opportunities to choose or decide, re-write context, wear your crown, claim your space, take unreasonable action, and so much more of what the #Nando25 Day Challenge has presented you–I did this challenge for YOU, not me. I wanted to give you the chance to choose a new way of being…I wanted to give you the formula BE DO HAVE and present it in a way that you could grasp it.
You first have to BE it. And in “being it” is only means believing in yourself by putting it into language, because life only happens in language. Once you “are” it–you will “BE” it. Only after you “BE” will your life shape itself for you to DO. If you choose to BE a singer, then you need to DO what a singer does. If you choose to BE a mother, then all of your heart and soul goes into “BEING” a mother and naturally, you will DO what it takes to continue to BE a mother. And after you BE and you DO, you will HAVE motherhood in the grasp of your hands. If you want to BE happy–don’t trick yourself into thinking a relationship will be instant happiness. BE happy, once you embrace that, you will DO happy things to keep you in that happy state….and who knows…maybe, just maybe while you are BEING and DOING….you might neet someone and HAVE that relationship.
The #Nando25 challenge Homework:
1. Take a look and the things you want in life. Identify what formula you have been following.
2. Now, use the BE DO HAVE formula and turn things around.
3. As the last day of the challenge, I ask you to write in our facebook page, even if we haven’t heard from you before and just say, “I got it, BE DO HAVE!”
The #Nando25 Challenge Idea: Things will happen in life that you won’t always understand–this has been happening all your life, if you’re older than 10 years. Sometimes the circumstances we are faced with are thing we have inherited, like our parents, our family our DNA. And somehow we have learned not to accept those things, but to blame those things for the choices we make. And in several cases, we have blinders on when it comes to the circumstances we have put ourselves in and can’t see past our selfishness. In essence, we “make people wrong.” If my mom hadn’t been a single mother, maybe, just maybe I would have had more opportunities in life and this is why I dropped out of school and can’t get a job.” Or, “My dad left when I was younger so I know that’s the reason I can’t settle down with anyone because it’s in my blood.” Or “If my mom would have learned to pick the right man, and not all these losers, I know I wouldn’t be with all the cheaters I currently date.
Not only are we not taking responsibilities for our own choices, because remember, it’s all about choosing or deciding, but we also make people wrong in the process. And why do we make people wrong? Because we don’t want to look bad. Today’s concept, “making people wrong” goes hand-in-hand with you trying to look good. No one wants to look bad in life. Who rushes into a crowd in Times Square and yell, “Look at me, I’m lazy and I haven’t been looking for a job as hard as I should be so I’m unemployed!” No one. But how many people do you know who tweet, Facebook, and blog about “The recession is really kicking my ass, I just can’t find a job no matter how hard I look.” And if you look at their Facebook timeline–they’ve checked in on GetGlue for Judge Judy, Everybody Loves Raymond, The King of Queens and The Vampire Diaries every day for the last month–that’s almost 4 hours a day X 30 days = 120 hours a month NOT LOOKING FOR A JOB.
It’s natural and human to want to look good in front of people–in fact, that’s our main motivation. It’s why I shower daily, why I get keratin every 3 months at the Davide Torchio Salon, why I iron my clothes when I go to work, why I use all my Oil of Olay products on my face (yes, I said ALL, don’t judge)–I don’t want to be the only dating + relationship coach who shows up looking like a hot mess. “I have an image to uphold,” that’s the ultimate “not wanting to look bad” and it’s okay–as long as I’m not making anyone WRONG–then I’m in good terms with the Universe. But it’s also more than the physical–it’s the not wanting to look bad as a functioning human in society–and that’s when we starting making the world wrong, our boss wrong, our parents wrong, our neighbors wrong, our dating + relationship coach wrong for our circumstance.
When we fail to take responsibility for our choices + actions, we look to blame anything or everything around us and we start to make the people in our lives WRONG. And where does it get us? Lacking more responsibility + running more SCAMS! In fact, when we run a scam, more often than not–the pay off in that SCAM is making people wrong. And that’s a major pay off because we unload our part in the situation.
Example 1: Your electric bill is past due and you have already received 2 termination notices and you have a booty call on Saturday at your place. Your last chance is to pay the bill by Friday @ 5pm otherwise, you will be dancing in the dark all weekend long. You wake up late for work on Friday and you rush to work to find that you have been assigned a huge project and will have to work through lunch. You think to yourself, “I have to work through lunch? That’s when I was going to pay the bill!” So you start to resent your boss–she ALWAYS comes and goes as she pleases and this is an emergency! But you figure you will cut out early and pay the bill and all will be RIGHT in the world–except you get called into a meeting and before you know it, it’s already 4:30pm and you know the consequences of what will happen if you don’t leave that minute. You ask your boss if you can leave early as you have completed the report and you’re no longer needed for this portion of the meeting, she agrees. So now, you made your boss RIGHT and you have chosen to like her again.
Remember, when we decide to like someone, it’s for a reason–like “they are nice or understanding”–but the minute they are NOT one of those things–we KILL off our relationship because the word “de-CIDE” comes from the origin of CIDE which is to kill something off.
As you run out and get into your car, the traffic is bumper-to-bumper, and you begin to hate the world and the people who drive in it. You finally make it and rush into the electric company only to find out they closed early due to a maintenance problem. You are now officially in “hate the world mode” and “it’s not my fault mode” and “why does this only happen to me mode” and “let me go get some candles mode.”
This sounds like a scenario that would never really happen–but it did. It happened to one of my clients and she was 100% failing to see her part in it. In the process she went from making her boss wrong, to making the people in the meeting wrong, to making the people driving wrong, and making the electric company wrong. The funny part was that she got to the pharmacy to get candles and she made them wrong too because they didn’t have vanilla scented ones. All of that because of not wanting to look bad for a booty call. Why couldn’t she go to his place? He lives with his mother.
The Lesson: I want you to notice the chain reaction of things and how your choices have that domino effect in your life. Choose the wrong man and a whole story unfolds. Choose the wrong job and drama is waiting for you. Choose the wrong ______________________ (fill in the blank) and _________________ (fill in the blank) is likely to happen next.
When we are afraid to look bad in fron of others–we usually tend to make others wrong and throw the responsibility factor out of the equation. It’s okay to want to look good–we all do–but don’t make others WRONG in order for you to be RIGHT so in the end you can look GOOD. Instead, flip the script and looks at things through a different vantage point and move from making people wrong + trying to look good into taking responsibility.
The #Nando25 Challenge Homework:
1. Identify + write down in your #Nando25 journal 3 situations where you have been making others wrong.
2. In each one of those situations–what has been your REAL part in it?
3. How can you “flip the script” and look at the situation from another vantage point?
The #Nando25 Challenge Idea: Do you really have control over how you react when in the presence of someone you find attractive? Can you choose who you love? What if I were to tell you that the connection between your heart + love was only a fairytale made up by romantics and the actual organ used to fall in love is your brain? In today’s challenge, I reference Dr. Daniel Amen’s book, The Brain in Love and I want you to remain coachable while I explain the beautiful yet complex + wondrous concept of the chemistry of love + infatuation.
The Lesson: When you zero in on another person and feel that “instant spark” those fireworks, it’s actually dopamine shooting through your system. Your brian creates a large enough dose to stop you in your tracks and get the heart beating tripple time. It’s dopamine that lights up the pleasure center that also houses motivation + reward. Not wanting to be left out of all the fun, your brain stem also participates by releasing phenylethylamine (PEA) which is an adrenaline-like substance that speeds up information between nerve cells and slaps you right upside your head to make sure you’re paying attention to your “love target”.
There are several other chemicals at play–but before I get into them, I want you to understand that when something chemical happens inside your system–feelings of love, infatuation or attraction, you can only stand back and watch it unfold, because you are not equipped to interfere with it–you can control actions–but not how you’re feeling, because brain chemistry has occurred + taken over.
I want you to read that over again.
When something chemical happens inside your system–feelings of love, infatuation or attraction, you can only stand back and watch it unfold, because you are not equipped to interfere with it–you can control actions–but NOT how you’re feeling, because brain chemistry has occurred + taken over.
In the initial stage of love, infatuation or attraction, there are several chemicals at play and more importantly, the amounts being produced and shot throughout your system. The human mind has several chemicals at play–let’s call this state, The Balanced State. When a single person is in the balanced state, their brain chemistry is balanced which makes them function. They can sense danger when crossing the street, they can sense when someone might be lying to them at work, they may also be able to tell if a person is a heartbreaker. Think about it–you’re at a bar and you meet a sleazy man who obviously read a book on the worst pick up lines because he’s trying them on everyone at the bar, including you. But you don’t feel attracted to this guy so you roll your eyes + shoo him away. But if someone who finds him attractive listens to his cheap romantic one-liners, they are in danger–why? Because they are no longer at that balance state–their brain chemistry has just exploded and they are on their way to heartbreak. And I will tell you why.
Infatuation: Often referred to as the “intoxicated stage”
1. Will call in sick to work to be with the guy you just met
2. Stay up late talking for hours on the phone
3. You don’t care about sleep
4. Send massive amounts of texts + e-mails to one another
5. You engage in behaviors you don’t normally do
Infatuation occurs in the brain’s reward center but you have one part of the brain that is looking out for you–it’s called the Prefrontal Cortex. This part of the brain is acting like the “love boss,” putting pieces together, filing away things they said to you, creating a strategy to keep them around, making sure you stay cool–but your infatuation chemicals sometimes override your Prefrontal Cortex and then all that gets thrown out the window. It’s chemicals like epinephrine, norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin and PEA that take over and shake things up a bit.
Your brain is constantly trying to keep itself balanced, at the balanced state, but sometimes you will release a large amount of dopamine all of a sudden and then it throws things off balance. What causes that dopamine surge? Simple things like, getting a text from them that says, “I miss you.” Or Seeing them after 2 days–your heart skips a beat and you think–“OH MY GOD!” That’s really just a major dose of dopamine your brain released.
This explains why we can “fall in love” 50 times a year when dating. It also explains why we are so hard on ourselves when we’ve been lied to or cheated on–because we couldn’t see it–our Prefrontal Cortex was trying to do its job–but you just kept releasing so much serotonin or dopamine that your PFC just walked out and quit (sort of).
1. Epinephrine + Norepinephrine: These are considered excitatory neurotransmitters because they cause the adrenaline rush: your heart beats faster, blod pressure shoots up and you’re actually ready to face a life threatening situation — or you’re falling in love. These two chemicals give you that feeling of excitement + they help facilitate sexual arousal + orgasm.
2. Dopamine: associated with pleasure, motivation + concentration. People feel “sexy” when the brain shoots this through your system. You know when you have your “I am a sexy bitch” days, it’s not the new hairstyle, or the clothes, it’s your levels of dopamine. Don’t you feel silly now? And low levels of dopamine are associated with depression, ADHD, some drug addicts (that’s why they chase the high–to balance out their dopamine levels). Can someone say Whitney Houston?
3. Serotonin: Produced in the brain stem + midbrain, it’s the “feel good” neurotransmitter. A normal serotonin level allows people to have a healthy mood and equally healthy motivation. When you feel like no one will ever love you and that you’re not worthy of a loving, lasting + honest relationship–sweetie, it’s your serotonin levels–they are LOW as HELL! Low levels of serotonin are associated with depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, impulsivity + excessive activity in your brain’s anterior cingulate gyrus (ACG) which gets you stuck in negative thoughts and that’s where you live–in desperate + lonely-ville.
4. Phenylethylamine (PEA): This “love molecule” speeds up information to the brain which triggers the rest of the chemicals to be released and caused the “love/infatuation explosion” in your system. It wants to create that feeling of euphoria + infatuation when you’re highly attracted to someone. It’s actually trying to help you out–don’t have the player, hate the game.
Once we experience the chemical explosion–how do we decide if we want to keep the person around? The question is to commit or not to commit? This questions can also be answered/determined through chemistry. Research shows that men who are more willing to commit have LOWER levels of testosterone. Want more proof? An American study found that men with HIGH testosterone are 43% more likely to get divorced AND 38% more likely to have an affair. Men with HIGH testosterone are also 50% LESS likely to ever get married. So all the “players” you’ve been dating–you’re not going to be “the one” for him. You may be one of HIS ones, but not the one he will settle down + marry. I have a four letter word for that–NEXT!
Bring in the Oxytocin!
Oxytocin is my favorite love chemical of them all. Why? It’s so sexy + bold. It’s the love chemical that bonds two people together and builds that romantic link between couples. This is also why men sometimes feel more vulnerable + actually want to talk after sex–their brian just released a LARGE amount of oxytocin into their system and they can’t help but feel close + want to bond. Do you ever wonder why most men spill their guts after sex? This is why. Brain Chemistry–love it or leave it. I also have a theory that this is the reason most men confess all their sins to hookers or escorts–because their oxytocin levels spike after sex. There is also a downfall–because of the increase of oxytocin after sex, men are also prone to falling asleep afterwards, oxytocin levels increase by more than 500% after sex. This also might explain why in a crazy world, a man will request sex even while in an argument with you–in their head, this will “fix” the problem but in reality are they are really trying to do is feel closer to you.
Oxytocin also blocks off negative memories. This is why we fall for men that are bad for us–yet when the sex is good–we are powerless. It’s that damn oxytocin. (I said it was my favorite, I didn’t say it was the fairest of them all) Scientist have proven that we are willing to accept social risks because of the affects. This is also why people are willing to have unprotected sex even though the dangerous of STDs are a risk. It’s the oxytocin high we’re chasing. Damn you oxytocin!
Now–do you still believe you’re in control when you fall in love? What about infatuation or lust?
The #Nando25 Homework:
1. Think about the last time you fell in lust or were infatuated–how do you see that episode now? Write down a few things you now see more clearly in your #Nando25 Day Journal.