Is Your Butt too Big?

Well is it? C’mon, you can tell me, who am I gonna tell? Go ahead, turn around and take a look. What’s the verdict?

Do you belong in a Black Rapper Video or a “Before photo” for Jenny Craig?

Wait, before you say a word–before you get your lips ready to talk smack about your backside, I have one question to ask, “Where are you getting your information from?” The TV, radio, YouTube videos, J-Lo’s family photo album? Where ever you got your booty-comparative skills from–you’ve been misinformed.

Seriously. Especially if you’re poking your buttocks right now thinking, “Damn, did I go to sleep with this much back here or did the booty-fairy pay me a visit last night?” (I bet you weren’t even aware that the booty-fairy existed, did you? She’s obviously not as famous as her cousin, the tooth fairy–it’s a family/demographic thing; she grew up on the south side of fairy land and it was just downhill from there)

Just for today, leave it be. Take a deep breath and exhale.

Repeat.

Now slap that crap out of that little annoying voice you keep hearing in your head that’s yelling, “He’s tricking you–don’t leave your house, in fact, don’t leave the room with that wide load you’re carrying back there!” It’s not a trick, in fact–it’s time you squish that little voice for good and replace it with Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful. (And please mail her a check for .28 cents for copyright infringement just for humming the chorus in your head like you just did)

This works for anybody part you’re attacking. Look at Lady Gaga, sure she needs a nose job, but instead she tricks you by wearing t-bone steaks on her breast to distract you from that honker. (If you’re in any way associated with Lady Gaga’s legal team, you can serve the law suit documents at work–just wait until after I do my Zumba class at lunch break) But did you notice how I attack Gaga’s nose? That’s because I have an issue with my own nose. Well, not now, but I did several years ago. One day out of the blue I looked at a photo that a friend took of me and I was like, “Who’s nose is that in the picture on my face?” It wasn’t a nose, it was a bun from a McDonald’s quarter pounder folded in half and glued on my face. But I got over it after I saw all the pretty girls with big noses get famous, like Sarah Jessica Parker and Ryan Seacrest. (If you’re in any way associated with Ryan Seacrest”s legal team, you can serve the law suit documents at work but you have to wait behind Gaga’s team–and play nice!)

So whether it’s a big butt or a nose that can provide shelter for a family of miniature pigeons–don’t listen to that inner critic. Smash his/her face in. Get aggressive with it, like the Bible Lady on the Q train when she spots a single mother and calls her a slut for having a child out of wedlock–yeah, be passionate like that! Be your own Bible Lady. Be Proud.

What parts of your body are you obsessing over today?  What song will you replace those thoughts with? Leave you song comment and let’s get Mexican in here!

 

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