The Penis Pant
Fashion designer Isabel Mastache created the penis trouser and unveiled them to the Universe during Madrid Fashion Week, Fall 2010/Winter 2011. Yes, I’m a little late with this info–but as my grandma Margarita used to say, “You can just suck it!” These pants conjured up all sorts of images, concepts and feelings. And not the ones you might be thinking, yes, I’m talking about menstration. Now, before you click away with disgust and vow to never return–hear me out.
For the longest time I’ve been saying how a woman is subjected to objectify herself on a daily basis. Women’s breast are a factor in fashion (unless your Muslim or Korean). Hooters even managed to create an entire food empire on women’s ta-tas, the shame! (Have you tried their chicken wings? De-L I S H) But I digress. And it’s been long-standing that women “out their goodies” for the entire word to judge. They have big ones, small ones, average ones, and then the over-the-top “are you serious” ones. And on top of that, women deal with monthly cramps.
They other night I was on the phone with Cris, my bff of over 25 years. We were discussing all sorts of important matters that Mexican’s discuss: garage sales, salsa recipes, complaining about our men.
Nando: Why are you silent?
Cris: Because I’m in pain.
Nando: Headache?
Cris: No, PMS.
Nando: Well, just drink a Pepsi or something.
Cris: You don’t understand this type of pain. This is intense-all-over-my-body pain to the point where I can easily pick up a knife and stab everyone around me…or just eat endless bags of chocolate–either way, it’s not pretty.
Nando: Really? Is it worse than stubbing your toe?
Cris: (Silence)
It never dawned on me that the actual pain that women face monthly is that intense. Yes, the jokes I hear that reference PMS or cramps never lead me to conclude that the pain was that bad. I mean, even the women in the Midol commercials seem somewhat happy while cramping and then after 2 Midols, they go out for taco Tuesday.
Men on the other hand don’t experience monthly pains or symptoms–unless you count the times when our internet goes out and we can’t access porn. And men’s clothes are never that revealing, not mine anyways…and the world takes a collective sigh of relief! Sure, I’ll wear a tight tee that make my nipples prance out like gophers on a golfing field, but never is my penis highlighted in my pants…and again, the world takes a collective sigh. In conclusion, women get judged on their breast size and they experience monthly pain. (How’s that for talking down to my readers?)
And what if Isabel Mastache’s penis trouser took? What if they become so “in” that men are peer-pressured into wearing them? Can you imagine what taking the Q train home will be like then? And what if you don’t get a seat and have to stand? I think you know where I’m going with this one. Men’s penis’ get judged when naked. And even then, we can lie and say it was due to shrinkage…but to have it just “out there” like that, well, can men actually handle that? How would these pants change dating? And imagine our political leaders wearing them. (Wait, I’m thinking of a certain one right now–Obama–and I think Isabel would need more fabric) I wonder if Isabel sells her pants by waist size or….never mind.
So as I safely put on my cargo shorts and thank God for the non-gift of menstration, I want to say to all the ladies, I’m sorry. I also want to let you know that I appreciate what your body goes through and just to show you, I’ll start to carry a bottle of Midol with me…in case you need some. And to Miss Isabel Mastache, although I won’t be purchasing a pair of your penis trousers just yet, I will say this, “What were you thinking? Oy!”
What do you think? What other things are women not given their due respect for? Leave a comment.
Oh Hell to the No she didn’t ! WTH was she thinking !
One look at the photo and all I could think was Yuck ! These pants Will Never replace the skinny Jean ! Nunca !
I hope to never see any man wearing these trousers ! I feel bad for the model wearing them.
you made me laugh so hard! woah! you don’t think it would make dating easier, having a guy wear these trousers? heheh
Are they dry clean only? Because I don’t wear anything that’s dry clean only yet I can only imagine how linty and fuzz bally those would get after being washed and dried a few times.
Really though the penis is the least wtf element of that outfit.
You know what the worst part of menstruation is? Not the pain or the iron deficiency, but the brain fuzz. OMG, if anyone ever wanted to be creepy they could chart my cycles by seeing which weeks I completely skip blogging because my mind is far too wooly to contemplate writing anything, much less something optional.
Also, become very clumsy and forget my multiplication tables and probably don’t really have the hand eye coordination to be driving but luckily didn’t take my driver’s test during that time of the month so am legally allowed to do so.
On the other hand, menstruation means that we get the privilege of pushing 7-9lbs of squealing human out of our vaginas. Um, yay?
You know, only a mom would think about the lent factor in those pants. And that’s why you get the Lent-Factor comment award. What do you win? Just the above sentence. Feeling pretty special right about now, right?
Yes, the driving, the driving! I tell my male friends to ignore everything I do behind the wheel under such circumstances. And not to distract me AT ALL because I have to focus on the road and that’s already too much work!
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I’m scared now. Cris was saying how Michelle Obama should create a monthly “leave of absence” for women because of the “brain fuzz” factor. That scared me.
I honestly didn’t know it was THAT bad. I want to feed you all M&Ms and Snapple now!
Aaaaaw! And negotiating during PMS – tell me about it! Wait, I should be telling YOU about it because you have no way of knowing…anyway. And I am kind of relieved that you are not buying “penis trousers” (although they almost as bold as a Mexican soul). Am I allowed to use the word “Mexican”? Or no? Ah, I have PMS, I am allowed to do ANYTHING!
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You can say Mexican anytime of the day! For you, I will make a special clause. I’ll get the contract approved by Mario Lopez tonight.
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I have a few lesbian friends who are going to want to wear this ASAP
you KILL me!
I really value my imagination. We don’t need to see it rather we want our man know how to think without it. But of course once he’s seduced my mind I do appreciate a certain amount of expertise in its use…
you said a mouth-full sister!
I’ve seen underwear like this recently. Personally I wouldn’t wear either.
Also, seems to me someone came up with these pants back in the 70’s or 80’s. Can’t remember who right now but I know I’ve seen these pants in a different decade as well.
I also have to wonder who the hell would wear a hat like that out in public???
hm, underwear like that–maybe I’d wear a pair if they said “nandoism” in the rear!
OMG!!! This is beyond crazy. I wouldn’t wear this. I respect the creativity, but I wouldn’t wear those trousers. For me, it’s too revealing to show my private parts.
I know right? I will only how nipple, like God intended us to!
OMG ! WTF was the designer thinking when she created these pants ???
And Nando baby, the pains can be bad !!! Until a few months ago, I have never experienced the dreaded PMS syndrome; and the last 2 months I have come to know what women go through and it is agonizing like you can’t even imagine. Now I know why my sis would sit in bed all day with a hot water bag; it’s because your back and stomach muscles are cramping up in intense pain where no matter what position you are in – it doesn’t get better !
And really … those pants ??? jeeeeeeez !
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yes, the back pain! that’s what cris was saying would cause her to murder! and those pants? well, all I can say is–I’m sticking to cargo shorts. ;0)
Well, those pants would definitely be a conversation starter. And they sure as hell would put an end to all the wondering about what the dude you just met is packing. But…
me thinks no sane man or woman would walk down the street with anyone wearing those pants.
ICK!
honey, not only would they start the conversation–they would END it also, especially if they guy wasn’t using up ALL of the fabric! woah!
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[...] liked the article above better than this one: The Penis Pant, an article in which a man suddenly realizes that PMS and cramps hurt like hell. Thank you for [...]
Nando, I am all for fashion creativity but THIS? I mean, what’s the point of unifying bulges? Bulges come in different shapes and sizes, and unifying those is simply not a good idea. Some men’s thingies won’t even fit that tiny specimen :p
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