The Penis Pant

Fashion designer Isabel Mastache created the penis trouser and unveiled them to the Universe during Madrid Fashion Week, Fall 2010/Winter 2011. Yes, I’m a little late with this info–but as my grandma Margarita used to say, “You can just suck it!” These pants conjured up all sorts of images, concepts and feelings. And not the ones you might be thinking, yes, I’m talking about menstration. Now, before you click away with disgust and vow to never return–hear me out.

For the longest time I’ve been saying how a woman is subjected to objectify herself on a daily basis. Women’s breast are a factor in fashion (unless your Muslim or Korean). Hooters even managed to create an entire food empire on women’s ta-tas, the shame! (Have you tried their chicken wings? De-L I S H)  But I digress. And it’s been long-standing that women “out their goodies”  for the entire word to judge. They have big ones, small ones, average ones, and then the over-the-top “are you serious” ones. And on top of that, women deal with monthly cramps.

They other night I was on the phone with Cris, my bff of over 25 years. We were discussing all sorts of important matters that Mexican’s discuss: garage sales, salsa recipes, complaining about our men.

Nando: Why are you silent?

Cris: Because I’m in pain.

Nando: Headache?

Cris: No, PMS.

Nando: Well, just drink a Pepsi or something.

Cris: You don’t understand this type of pain. This is intense-all-over-my-body pain to the point where I can easily pick up a knife and stab everyone around me…or just eat endless bags of chocolate–either way, it’s not pretty.

Nando: Really? Is it worse than stubbing your toe?

Cris: (Silence)

It never dawned on me that the actual pain that women face monthly is that intense. Yes, the jokes I hear that reference PMS or cramps never lead me to conclude that the pain was that bad. I mean, even the women in the Midol commercials seem somewhat happy while cramping and then after 2 Midols, they go out for taco Tuesday.

symptoms–unless you count the times when our internet goes out and we can’t access porn. And men’s clothes are never that revealing, not mine anyways…and the world takes a collective sigh of relief! Sure, I’ll wear a tight tee that make my nipples prance out like gophers on a golfing field, but never is my penis highlighted in my pants…and again, the world takes a collective sigh. In conclusion, women get judged on their breast size and they experience monthly pain. (How’s that for talking down to my readers?)

And what if  Isabel Mastache’s penis trouser took? What if they become so “in” that men are peer-pressured into wearing them? Can you imagine what taking the Q train home will be like then? And what if you don’t get a seat and have to stand? I think you know where I’m going with this one. Men’s penis’ get judged when naked. And even then, we can lie and say it was due to shrinkage…but to have it just “out there” like that, well, can men actually handle that? How would these pants change dating? And imagine our political leaders wearing them. (Wait, I’m thinking of a certain one right now–Obama–and I think Isabel would need more fabric) I wonder if Isabel sells her pants by waist size or….never mind.

So as I safely put on my cargo shorts and thank God for the non-gift of menstration, I want to say to all the ladies, I’m sorry. I also want to let you know that I appreciate what your body goes through and just to show you, I’ll start to carry a bottle of Midol with me…in case you need some. And to Miss Isabel Mastache, although I won’t be purchasing a pair of your penis trousers just yet, I will say this, “What were you thinking? Oy!”

What do you think? What other things are women not given their due respect for? Leave a comment.

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