It’s the typical love-story: girl meets boy or girl meets girl or boy meets boy or boy meets girl–ah romance, it’s like a combination menu at Wah Fung’s Chinese Dimsum Palace. And in true friendship fashion, once you meet “the one” you can’t wait to introduce him to your friends…and vise-versa. But what happens when your friend is dating a jerk? Do you say something or do you let it play out like a bad Kate Hudson movie? Will they even hear what you’re saying? Here are a few Nandoism love-tips on: “How to tell your friend she’s dating a jerk.”
1. Take her to a safe place with with cable or DVD access and show her episodes of The Hills. Quickly fast-forward to the Heidi and Spencer scenes and if sister girl doesn’t get it, you’ll need to immediately move onto step #2.
2. Bust out the alcohol. Everyone knows that all of life’s problems can be solved with Tequila shooters–don’t judge, I’m Mexican! Alcohol lowers inhibitions and loosens the tongue so throw out a few reason why your own boyfriend irks you or mention a few qualities that you don’t like about your boyfriend in order to get the ball rolling. Sometimes people are in denial about the red flags they see in their partners but aren’t sure if they should trust themselves. Once your friend hears herself verbalizing any negative qualities, they may start to trust their gut a little more. (Side note: If you’re single and don’t have anyone to complain about–child, you need to move to step 3, ASAP!)
3. If you’re already at step 3, it means we have to break out the heavy artilleries. Do you have access to drugs? Slip her a Toviaz pill, oh wait, that’s for bladder control, never mind, stick to Tequila shots–oh crap, that didn’t work–okay…think, think! I’m sure this isn’t the first loser or jerk she’s dated, right? Back me up here, sister. We have to conjure up the past! A Power Point presentation would be best, but if you don’t already have one created, then you’ll have to just walk down memory lane with caution and ease–just like sex with a black man. Talk about her past boyfriends and let her know that you’re concerned because you don’t want to see her hurt. Bring up your friendship history and how you want to see her happy. (Are you sure you can’t get a roofie somewhere?)
4. If steps 1-3 have been a total wash-out, you have to go there. Give her examples of how much of a jerk he is. But be nice. Remember, she’s in love with the boy. You must play the following country music songs to drive the point home. What? That’s why country music was invented, yeah hu! Start off with an appropriate Carrie Underwood song like, Before He Cheats then slowly transition into Good-Bye Earl, by The Dixie Chicks and finally cross over to a Reba McEntire song, I suggest Does He Love You (make sure it’s the original duet with Linda Davis and not the Kelly Clarkson duet–what were they thinking?) If country music ain’t your thing, any Ashanti song will do–ain’t she always taking about someone doing her wrong? Child, get a new point of view, your albums aren’t selling!
5. And lastly, if none of the above works–you’ll have to just let time play its role in matters and be there for your friend when she finally figures it out on her own. And you’ll have two choices when she finally does; you can be there waiting with a big plate of “I told you so” or you can bust out the alcohol for some Tequila shooters, either way–be a friend and let the good times roll.