Who Are You Not Dating?

who are you not datingDating in New York City gives us variety, romance, and in some cases–if not careful, herpes, but that’s a whole other post. And who we date is an important factor in life; whether we meet them online, at a bar, or at church–it’s about attraction, chemistry and compatibility. In a city filled with every types imaginable, “Are you ending up with the same person, just wrapped in a different package?” And if so, what are you going to do about it?

While attending an NYC dating blogger tweet-up a few weeks ago, I asked, “What’s your type?” And the question made bloggers twist their faces up as if they were competing for the last contortionist spot on America’s Got Talent or had just sucked on a bucket of lemons. The responses varied:

Caucasian Straight Male: I want a woman who’s independent, beautiful and won’t mind threesomes.

Black Gay Male: I want a guy with six-pack abs, who wants children and who won’t mind threesomes.

Latin Straight Female: I want a guy who has a good job, accepts my big hair, and who doesn’t want to be in a threesome all the time.

But the one question I didn’t ask, that I should have was, “Who are you not dating?”

Growing up in Texas and going to school in Iowa–I was always the minority. And in that, I admit, I didn’t want to date a Mexican. So in Texas,  I dated Black men and in Iowa, well, I didn’t date–no one wanted to date a Mexican, either–KARMA! But when I moved to New York and discovered, “Pakistanis, Indians, Italians–Oh my!” and the list goes on and on, how could I–why would I–want to date another Latin? New cultures, new rituals, new foods, new words (especially during sex) and the idea of “new everything” just around the corner made me officially mark MEXICANS off my dating list. Cue in my new Mexican hottie, ten years later. I met Santiago online a few months ago and hit it off so well that I forgot to ask what his background was. (Now, it wasn’t like I would turn down Mexicans if I met them, but if the Secret is in fact true, I just wasn’t calling them into my life.) It wasn’t until our first date that we both discovered each other’s Mexican background; I’m from the North (hence my creepy Casper-like pale complexion) and he’s from the South (hence his sexy cafe-mocha with a dash of cinnamon complexion).  And there, before my eyes and ears, we found ourselves speaking Spanish, exchanging similar childhood stories (being poor and not having any toys, the joys of being Mexicans…stop, I’m getting home sick) and taking the first few steps to building something meaningful.

It appears that as soon as I tossed out my NO MEXICANS rule list out of the Q train, I was having the time of my life. Meeting Santiago has been the highlight of my New York City experience and my daily adventures with him leave me smiling. Now, I read dating blogs and articles on dating to realize we all have different points of views–but one thing that is always present in these pieces is the DEAL BREAKER list. In a time when women want men who have penis’ comparable to elephant trunks and men desire women who have no children (or the sagging boobs that sometimes come along with having kids) I can’t help but wonder, “Are our deal-breaker lists helping us weed out hoards of people we could never,  really, truly fall in love with or are they more of a defense mechanism we’ve created to keep love at bay?”

Have you ever dated someone on your deal breaker list that turned out to be fantastic? Leave a comment.

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14 thoughts on “Who Are You Not Dating?

  • April 6, 2010 at 2:12 pm
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    Brilliantly insightful post as usual. I suppose when we chuck off our check lists – we open ourselves to the possibilities of meeting people who we wouldn’t have expected to meet.

    There was a point in time, I wasn’t open to the idea of online dating .. one fine day, I didn’t care anymore and I met a guy who I wanted to spend my life with .. we lasted 1.5 yr – unfortunately due to issues from his family it didn’t work out. It was absolutely fantastic whilst it lasted and something I didn’t expect at all.
    .-= Dazediva´s last blog ..Post Office Parcel Adventure =-.

    Reply
    • April 7, 2010 at 6:42 pm
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      I love when I get comments like these. You are open to life sister! Embrace it!

      Reply
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  • April 6, 2010 at 5:14 pm
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    Oh lord, you really got to the heart of the matter with this post. Asking who we don’t date can be a frightening question. It’s never fun to remind oneself of how negativity takes over so much of one’s dating dating mentality. I used to have so many deal-breakers!

    So young and naïve… I was so sure that I wanted some idealized piece of man-meat who exemplified some absurd mish-mash of everything that I had internalized from Hollywood, mass media, and superficial Californian popular culture — the kind of guy that a girl from a refugee family who grew up in the ghettoes of San Jose would never come into contact with, let alone attract. And who did I end up with for years? A theoretical mathematician/physicist who looked like Harry Potter. And I have no regrets!
    .-= Man-shopper´s last blog ..Mr. Hovercraft =-.

    Reply
    • April 7, 2010 at 6:43 pm
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      I know someone who has a crush on you! He made me swear NOT to tell. Don’t you just HATE me now?

      Reply
  • April 7, 2010 at 12:27 am
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    So true. Just b/c you’ve heard things about brussels sprouts and examined brussels sprouts, you can’t say you don’t like brussels sprouts til you try them.
    Big no-no for me is a smoker.
    I’ve tried brussels sprouts and I’ve dated a smoker.
    Love the veggies. Smokers remain on the no-no list.

    http://www.ziazitella.wordpress.com

    Reply
    • April 7, 2010 at 6:44 pm
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      You’re allowed–only cause you’re ULTRA cool. Got it?

      Reply
  • April 25, 2010 at 9:42 pm
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    its because there is no focus in your dating strategy!

    Married dating site for those looking for a married affair, or in a relationship,
    and looking for a marital affair or married dating.
    marriedandlooking.co.uk

    Reply
    • May 19, 2010 at 9:43 pm
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      child, I ain’t understood one word you said.

      Reply
  • May 19, 2010 at 9:38 pm
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    Great post!!! You should write one on the flip side of this scenario – how sometimes defining what you really don’t like can help you find what you DO like. But love this post.

    Reply
    • May 19, 2010 at 9:44 pm
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      that one made me think a little! I’m gonna have to work on that! How have you been? Are you still coming to NYC?

      Reply
  • July 20, 2017 at 3:03 am
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    There are folks who are not yet aware about breadcrumbing and it is best to get information about it to help deal with a person with this kind of strategy in life.

    Reply

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