Do You Deserve a Relationship?

hugStill flying high because of my new relationship with Santiago, I met a friend for breakfast but soon after sitting down, she pointed out the permanent smile on my face. And so naturally, the topic changed to him and all the fun times we’re sharing and how waking up next to him feels like the best thing ever. That’s when she interrupted me with cold hard slap.

Shelby: It sounds great, too bad you feel you don’t deserve it.

Nando: What?

Shelby: Yeah, you end your sentences with–“But we’ll see how long it lasts” and “Cause you never know” and twice you’ve said, “You know how men now-a-days can be”.

Nando: Really?

Shelby: Yes, you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Actually, the way you talk–you’re waiting for the entire shoe store to fall on your head. Is it so hard to believe you called this into your life and that you deserve someone like Santiago?

Nando: But how do you deserve a person?

Shelby: That’s the beauty of it Nando, he’s a whole human being–with a past, present and future and he’s choosing to be with you, wake up with you, have fun with you. It’s been over a month and you two are still growing strong. Now, I haven’t known you a long time, but I don’t need to know that who ever hurt you before–hurt you in a huge way–but you need to get over that hump to fully experience this new thing you and Santiago are trying to create.

I know they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day–but for me, that day, it turned out to be the most important talk of the year. It’s funny how we aren’t programmed to hear the negative thoughts that spill out of our hearts when they’ve been broken. It’s a human response to protect ourselves and keep a little guard up–I mean, who fully “jumps” in love with no net? The risk-takers, that’s who. The ones who know they might get hurt, but they hold on tight and buckle up for the ride.  And you know what–I want to be one of them, to fully experience the beauty and wonderment of this new love affair. And how can I resist him?Every morning, after the alarm rings, Santiago turns to me–half asleep with his eyes closed while parting his juicy lips and says the same thing, “Would you please hold your boyfriend for the next five minutes?” And every morning, I respond the same way, with a huge smile and erection. What? He’s a major hottie!

Every day thereafter, my breakfast-talk with Shelby, I’ve held on to the idea that I, Nando, deserve happiness and have called into my life a great guy who’s into me and wants us to share a life together. A few days ago, one of his friends asked when we planned on moving in together and I was happy to know we were on the same page as we both froze in our tracks. Santiago responded with, “We’re still getting to know one another, so not yet, it’s only been a month.” I responded with, “Do we look lesbian?”

We’ve had a few quarrels already but compromise is the name of the game and with Santiago, I’m willing to set aside my stubborn Mexican ways for a few of his stubborn Mexican ways. He climbed into bed a few weeks ago with a sneaky grin, “Nando, our first monthaversary is approaching–see, I have it in my iPhone calendar, what do you wanna do?” So I went along with it because it was important to him. We are quickly approaching two months and I’m sure he’s planing something, but I’ve beat him to the punch with my surprise (insert evil grin). In a time with so many people hunting, searching for dates, boyfriends, and lovers, I can’t help but wonder, “When the hunt is over and you’ve found someone worthy–do you honestly feel deserving of the relationship you’ve called into your life or are you still letting your broken heart call the shots?”

Have you ever self-sabotaged a relationship? What advice do you have for the rest of us? Leave a comment.

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33 thoughts on “Do You Deserve a Relationship?

  • March 23, 2010 at 10:27 am
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    Oh, this is a really good one! Letting your past broken hearts insert fatalistic energy into a current relationship is the kiss of death. I know because I lived that way before meeting Husband. Then, after having the big epiphany that I was deserving of love suddenly brought me love. Amazing how that works. Good for you for having this conversation. It’s one of the best dialogues you can get into with yourself. Note: Yes, you deserve love. 🙂

    Reply
    • March 23, 2010 at 10:28 am
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      @Suzanne–ah, sweetie, I get so excited when you comment on the blog.
      You know, when I heard people say that when in a relationship, you have to work at it every day,
      I used to think–they must be doing something wrong–cause when you’re with the right person,
      it’s effortless. WRONG. But, when you are with the right person–working on it–becomes something
      you want to do–Santiago is a huge romantic and talker–so those two qualities make it a beautiful
      thing to make things work out with him. And my own relationship with myself–that baby gets nourished as well.
      Oy! And we still have time to blog?

      Reply
  • March 23, 2010 at 10:36 am
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    Thanks for this post! This topic has been on mind for some time now…and, yes, I have been guilty of sabotaging relationships rather than working on my “stuff”. I’m learning (and have been learning for some time) that self-work is a critical ingredient for relational success…it’s hard work, though. Anyway, thanks!

    Reply
    • March 23, 2010 at 10:41 am
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      @Darnell–I can’t wait to read your piece on this topic if you choose to write on it.
      I went over to your site–which is HOT by the way! And I agree, “self-work is a critical ingredient for relational success.”
      I couldn’t have said it better!

      Reply
  • March 23, 2010 at 10:59 am
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    Oh, what an excellent post Nando!

    It’s one thing to ask for something to come into your life (like a relationship; career success etc) but it’s a whole other thing accepting it. That is where a lot of us (myself included) go wrong. When good things happen, we often feel we don’t deserve it and love is no different.

    A man being douchey? That’s okay. But a man treating us like a prince/ princess? Funny how much harder to swallow that is (no, not that kind of swallowing Nando!).

    But like you say, it is about learning to value yourself. And not letting your fear and bad past experiences sabotage your present. Besides, accepting the good stuff is when the real fun begins. Good luck Nando – Santiago sounds like a keeper!

    XKB
    .-= KB IN NYC´s last blog ..Is the grass really greener on the other side? =-.

    Reply
    • June 18, 2010 at 9:41 pm
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      Thank you KB, haha–I promise I’ll swallow the right way! As I now enter 4 months into this relationship (sorry I took so long to respond) I see that it gets harder–not easier. oy! We, dating bloggers are a hard bunch!

      Reply
  • March 23, 2010 at 1:03 pm
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    Amazing post Nando.

    Just remember that you can’t always compromise. In the field of communications compromise is considered lose/lose. When you both compromise you both lose something. You should try to reframe your conflicts. Step back and wonder if you can both gain something with a new approach to your situation.

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    • June 18, 2010 at 9:42 pm
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      I don’t really believe that compromising means loosing. I think it means learning to value the bigger picture. And that I always can’t be a brat about stuff. Thanks for sharing though!

      Reply
  • March 23, 2010 at 1:39 pm
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    Congratulations! Life is so brief, you need to enjoy the experience while you can! I see in the gay culture, love is not celebrated enough! It’s like we are scared to be tied down? I think you should be happy for any time you spend together, hanging out. going out,booty call etc. And maybe that one guy may be the one. I feel you must not be afraid to spend time alone with yourself,to know that you are OK either way!

    Reply
    • June 18, 2010 at 9:44 pm
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      We are scared to be tied down. And no body is showing us that it’s okay to be in relationships and to value one another. It’s a tough ride, but I’m getting the hang of it.

      Reply
  • March 23, 2010 at 6:11 pm
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    Oh, Nando, what a great post. It really spoke to me. I’m almost positive that I’ve been in perpetual self-sabotage mode for a long time now. (It could explain my long string of unsuccessful dates — those guys have been odd, but I could be looking for the negative.)

    I don’t think that I’m ready to be a “risk-taker,” and I’m certainly terrified of feeling vulnerable. Self-sabotage is my only defense mechanism at the moment. It’s why I’m in almost complete denial about potentially having feelings for someone right now. I turn to humor is my only recourse, otherwise I’d just be sad!
    .-= Man-shopper´s last blog ..Mr. Metro Casanova =-.

    Reply
    • June 18, 2010 at 9:46 pm
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      Sister, after meeting you–I can’t possibly think why you are still single–unless it’s by choice. You’re stylish, sexy, classy and so hilarious!

      When you’re ready to be a risk-taker, it will happen naturally–like my blond highlights I plan on getting!

      Reply
  • March 23, 2010 at 6:34 pm
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    Bravo! I think this is the hardest thing for us to accept…that something CAN work out and that we DESERVE it! We think because it didn’t work out before, the same thigns will happen. But we are NOT our history. We are creating our lives each day.

    I love this post, thanks for the reminder to all of us. xo
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..How much is “too much” information? =-.

    Reply
    • June 18, 2010 at 9:47 pm
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      Kelly, you are so right–we are creating out lives daily–and since I’m Mexican, I’m also creating a lot of fried foods–but that’s another post!

      Thanks for sharing and I’ll be popping over to your blog ASAP! I wonder what thought-provoking things you have for me!

      Reply
  • March 23, 2010 at 7:11 pm
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    Nando – Awesome post and very introspective. To answer your question, I think I was on perpetual self-sabotage for most of my single life after a disaster of a couple co-dependent relationship where I lost myself. Outside of those I never dated anyone longer than four weeks, or thereabouts. It wasn’t until I was on my way out of Phoenix forever that I met my other half (15 years now) With nothing to lose, between Austin and Phoenix I allowed my heart to take that risk, opened myself completely and found someone I could love and who loved me back. I moved back four months later.

    As to the comment above about compromise, I whole-heartedly disagree. Part of loving someone includes negotiations over things you may not see eye to eye on for many reasons. Compromise is not a dirty word, but what we do sometimes because we love the person we are with. Yes, it goes both ways (or should) And giving up of something for the person you love can feel just the same as giving that person a gift.

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    • June 18, 2010 at 9:49 pm
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      I agree–compromise is not a losing situation. In fact, I think we are now a generation that doesn’t want to consider compromising because it’s considered weak. Take a cue from all the chaos that’s going around.

      Thanks for sharing and rock on!

      Reply
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  • March 24, 2010 at 12:01 am
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    WOW! This post actually resonated with me. I think by being defensive and reserved, particularly after we’ve experienced pain, is the biggest form of self-sabotage.

    Glad you had the conversation, and hope that you can let go!
    .-= Twanji Kalula´s last blog ..Sport Relief Mile: South Africa =-.

    Reply
    • June 18, 2010 at 9:50 pm
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      I’m still learning–even after 4 months! But it’s a fun ride buddy, you’ll see.

      Reply
  • March 24, 2010 at 8:43 am
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    I self sabotage all the time because I am what you might call a ‘dark soothsayer’ (working title); that is, I look deep into the future and see if it’s working out. Usually it’s not, there’s something causing strain – my family doesn’t’ like her, she’s too old to have kids, we don’t connect emotionally etc. etc. So then when I come back from the future, I give up on the present because I know it can’t work out. After all, I’ve seen the future, I know! In any case, that’s my issue. Sounds like you’re taking it day by day month by month, which is the right way to go, ie. staying in the present.
    .-= Love in the Dumps´s last blog ..Doctor Damage takes on a mother of an issue =-.

    Reply
    • June 18, 2010 at 9:52 pm
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      child, you gotta stop it. but then again, what do I know about dating women? unless you count those 3 days in the 9th grade. Oy!

      Reply
  • March 25, 2010 at 6:17 pm
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    Great post Nando. Haven’t been here in AGES & we both know why.
    That aside; having lived oh so much longer than you, and as much as I love KB_in_NYC, longer than you too sister, I feel I must point out that the day you allowed this man (definitely a keeper–so far–prim-evil grin) into your life you accepted him on an “I deserve this” level. He wasn’t a one night stand you kept him around. Therefore as the physics of love affairs goes you were accepting that you were deserving of this from morning after #1.
    We all get hurt big & bad at one point of our lives, even–if it’s in the middle of a 25 year marriage–and it’s hell to get over, sometimes taking YEARS to get over. Zo, yes my sweets, all that’s happening here is you’ve been waiting for the other (other? was there one already this time around?) shoe to drop hard on your fragile, mending heart and soul.
    Relax. Santiago isn’t the other experience in your life, he is a unique human being who obviously appreciates you very much and is quite the romantic. I can tell, by the tone & flavor of your writing (remember how well I know your writing) that you believe in your heart that he appreciates you, and that you accept it, hence, believe that you are deserving. I’d even wager that you’ve been unconsciously feeling deserving of him all along.
    Nando, you HAVE all your answers. You don’t need to look outside of yourself for them. The only thing you MIGHT have to look outside of yourself for is subject matter. All your readers know you have the inspiration it takes to write, trust in yourself. And, remember more than half of what people say to you in terms of advise or emotional interpretation is a projection of their own mess, including this.
    You know I still love you even though you never asked me why or what.

    Reply
    • June 18, 2010 at 9:53 pm
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      thanks Dominique–I get the feeling that you know me a little too well so it makes your comment extra special and personal!

      and yes, you better than anyone can tell what I’m thinking and feeling due to the tone of my writing. Ah, the writing always gives it away!

      Reply
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  • March 30, 2010 at 2:14 pm
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    Wow. What a great post. As someone who’s seen nothing but the demise of relationships (both mine and the “adults” in my life) I too am constantly waiting for the shoe to drop. I’ve found that in the past, I’ve gone along thinking things were fine while blissfully ignoring the so-called “telltale signs” so now, I hold on to any detail that’s not perfect as proof that my relationship is DOOMED.

    My current Man Friend (I also dislike common labels like “boyfriend”)and I have been together for nearly 6 months and it’s been far from smooth sailing. Too often I let my fear of doom and heartbreak cause a storm of nitpicking and tears that has definitely taken it’s toll on us. Not to say that we’re not very happy with each other, but I’ve found that in my attempt to identify the “beginning of the end” of our relationship, I’ve caused so many of my own problems.

    I guess what I’m saying is that we create our own fate. If we don’t trust that we’re worth someone’s unconditional love, why should they trust that we are? It’s corny and silly, but instead on focusing on what might be there, I’ve been trying to focus on what is actually there. The hand holding, kind words and loving looks.

    I don’t think we ever get over our past heartbreaks but I think that if we let them prevent us from happiness and love in the future, we’re letting our ghosts win. And sleeping with ghosts is so much less lovely than sleeping with someone we adore.

    xoMeg

    Reply
    • March 31, 2010 at 3:45 pm
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      @Meg–what a lovely response. You are so spot-on with your observations.
      I wish you lots of luck sweetie! ROCK ON meg! And I agree–“we create our own fate”.

      Reply
  • May 5, 2010 at 4:54 pm
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    Wow, I loved this article because that is SOOO ME! I am always waiting for it to all come crashing down on me. Things were a bit rocky, and just today I had to say alot of things that needed to be said. Basically treat me right, and if you aren’t here for the right reasons (i.e. because you are really into me, and want to be here) then go..don’t let me stop you..the door is right there.

    I didn’t expect any response at all honestly, I figured he would run with this and I wouldn’t hear anything from him again. Which was fine..better sooner than later, but he actually had a calm and collected response. He said he does want to stay with me. I was in shock. ( And here I was just about to literally type, BUT WE’LL SEE CUZ U KNOW HOW GUYS CAN BE!) Wow I caught that…….Thank you for saying all of this! I am making a concious effort to stop those thoughts because they do flow so easily.

    Reply
    • June 18, 2010 at 9:55 pm
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      Girl, I know you too well. Give yourself a break and let it happen. You’re almost just as bad as me! Well, I think I’m a little worse. But let’s put on an En Vogue song as just “give him something he can feel!”

      Reply
  • June 2, 2010 at 12:01 pm
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    You’ve successfully described most of my relationship experiences, although I still feel that I will continue with the same self-sabotaging behaviour. I have no idea why, I guess it just ‘beats’ the alternative: the dreaded break-up period that leaves you so ruined that you wonder if you’ll ever get past the questions: ‘what happened’, ‘what did I do’, ‘what is next’, etc., etc.
    .-= ChanteleG´s last blog ..Are We Born as Self-Serving, Indifferent Savages? Or Do We Learn How? =-.

    Reply
    • June 18, 2010 at 9:57 pm
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      hehe, did you read your comment? it’s a cycle girl–break it! break it like a kit kat bar! (and while you’re at it–break me off a piece!)

      Reply
  • June 18, 2010 at 9:23 pm
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    Nando, this is an amazing post and one that I am sure I will come back to for reminding. As KB says, it’s so very easy to ask the universe for something. But when it actually delivers? Accepting it is another story. Your friend Shelby is a wise one, as are you for hearing her words and embracing them. Because you do deserve this relationship. And lots of lasting happiness. Happy two-monthaversary!
    xxoo
    LG
    .-= Lucky Girl´s last blog ..Rant =-.

    Reply
    • June 18, 2010 at 9:58 pm
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      Thanks sweetie! We’re going on 4 months now and we’re getting good at it. hehehe!

      Reply
  • March 17, 2012 at 10:28 am
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    I’m a bit late reading this, so I hope that you two are still together!
    But I love this post. It reminds me that actually, thinking that me and my guy really might be going to last, is a good thing! I keep worrying, but it seems that you have to believe in the best for the best to happen 🙂

    Reply

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