Uncategorized|March 10, 2010 1:07 pm

Is This Why You’re Still Single?

oscar-mayerIn the middle of laundry day, I got a package from Fed Ex, it was a nice break from the routine. It was a beautiful gift basket with colognes, shaving gels, shaving creams, shampoos and tons of other wonderful stuff–I thought I had just won an Oscar–and not the Mayer kind..get it Oscar Mayer? Never mind.  As I put the stuff away, I thought, “I’m going to take some of this over to Santiago’s place since I’m there 6 out of 7 nights a week. We’re officially boyfriends and  exclusive (God, I sound like I’m 13) why not take over some of his counter space.”

See, he asks me to stay over and in the morning, when we shower, he asks, “Grab some of my underwear, ok?” And he’s got some great underwear, he’s a fancy Mexican in that respect! All his stuff is CK, PUMA, 2xist, etc. Mine is K-Mart crap I’ve been using since Jr. High, but I digress. One things is sharing underwear, another is sharing products. I wouldn’t mind, but he’s a boy gay–meaning he uses stuff that straight boys use–Zest soap, Colgate toothpaste, Head & Shoulders shampoo. I’m not a boy gay…and since I VLOG for the beauty industry, I get to review $80 shampoos, $65 shaving gels, $145 micro dermabrasion creams–so my delicate Mexican body is used to GREATNESS, sorry Zest.

I decided to have some fun and took to twitter and asked, “When dating, when is it appropropiate to take your stuff over?” I was amazed at the responses I got. For a second I thought I was seeing things. These response frightened me. Not only did their responses reveal where they stood in relationships, but it revealed why they stood alone, in general. (get it–lonely, still single, alone?) Okay, I’ll stop with the jokes.

tweet 1: I never take anything over bc I tend 2 break things off suddenly when the mood hits so I don’t want my stuff there when I do lol

tweet 2: Don’t do it–get up & go home. Let him miss U. Unless u just want him 2 end up taking U 4 granted.

tweet 3: if I don’t ask the girl to bring her stuff over then it would completely annoy me. Some people are very particular w/their homes!

tweet 4: NEVER! Stage 7 Clinger!!!

tweet 5: I’ve never dated before, so I can’t say if I would take stuff over.

tweet 6: NO! take nothing unless asked to & always keep ur socks on.

tweet 7: Just make sure he’s not using it–he’s got his and you’ve got yours!

tweet 8: Don’t do it–what if you break up? then you have to carry it back to your place.

tweet 9: Just make him buy you new stuff, he’s a man, right?

tweet 10: Relationships don’t last–just take an over-night bag and play it safe.

At first I felt as they were throwing monkey poop all over my Mexican romance, but then I realized, we all have our issues when dating–they sneak up, creep up and attack, but really? Every couple is different, when you have mutual respect, honesty and admiration for one another–and can see the big picture–trivial things like shampoo don’t take up major time because you have other things to think about–like enjoying one another and building intimacy. I won’t lie;  those tweets scared me. But the beauty of finding someone you’re compatible with is that counter space won’t matter because the pay off is something greater–like waking up next to the person who makes you smile. Santiago and I are still brand new to all of this, but we’re taking it one date at a time. So when is it the appropriate time to take your stuff over? The world may never know.

What do you think? Leave a comment.

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  • when buying a new bag it must meet the following. It must hold: cell phone, wallet, gum, a small notebook, and my makeup bag….My makeup bag is more of a stay over just in case bag. which is not only makeup but paired down mini products..I carry with this with me almost all the time. you know just in case! It may or may not also include a pair of underwear. :)
    .-= LostPlum´s last blog ..THE SUNDAY PULL: sitting service =-.

  • But that’s a dating bag–when he “puts a ring on it” are you still gonna be carrying that thing around?

  • Seems like a lot of these responses were setting themselves up for failure with all the “what if you break up talk” now I’m not naive but damn have some faith in your relationship if you think they will fail then they will….

    • @L_Choice–you get it. you got the point of the blog.
      it was mind-blowing how already, at the start of the relationship,
      all the negative talk came in. I’ve been around the block a few times,
      child, I was around when the block wasn’t even paved, but I know that
      walking into a new relationship, I wanna have fun with it–give it my all–no matter
      what. Because in the end–it’s MY experience that I will own.

  • If you’re staying over more times in a week than you are by yourself I think bringing some of your personal things over is a necessity! Does it really matter how long you’ve been together?

    Also for those thinking ‘but what if we break up’ – yes that’s why you are alone. Chances people!

  • Date 10. At the absolute earliest. This is also when the assumption to borrow stuff also kicks in. If you need anything else, give me a shout buddy…
    .-= Fishy´s last blog ..The Sketch =-.

    • @Fishy–date 10. hmmm, I’m not sure we made it past date 8. Are we
      destined for failure Fishy? Please let me know, we’re Mexican, we don’t know
      about these things. ;0)

  • While I’ve always let myself “hang loose” when I’m dating, I’m notorious for boundaries — which includes taking stuff over. And, since I think too much like a “single girl” I actually haven’t taken anyone’s stuff over to their place. That’s my way of keeping up a wall I suppose, but I’m not for it.

    Ultimately, the answer is when the both of you are ready. Everyone’s comfort level varies, so as long as you don’t push it, you’re good.
    .-= AnalyticalDiva´s last blog ..Spring Cleaning =-.

    • @AnalyticalDiva–but are you all missing the point of: We’re exclusive, We’ve been together a month, We’re boyfriends?
      I mean, does bringing the shampoo over ONLY happen when the wedding gown is purchased?

  • Ha! This makes me laugh, because just recently I was over at my Frenchman’s house when I realized I hadn’t brought a pair of jeans to change into the next day (I only had a dress and a t-shirt) but Francois is very slim so I asked him what size his waist was. Sure enough, his jeans fit! A little long, but they fit. I didn’t know whether to laugh or be creeped out, but now I know what it’s like when my gay guy friends can wear each other’s clothes. Can anyone say “convenient”? 😉

    Anyway, back to the original question (if there is one): No, it’s totally cool to bring things over and leave them there. I haven’t done so with Francois but in my last relationship (which lasted four years) I had a toothbrush, hairbrush, deodorant, a change of underwear and a pair of sneakers over at his place all the time. It just made things easier. But I always brought an overnight bag, including toiletries like makeup. And I’ll likely do the same with the next long-term relationship. As far as “an appropriate time” to bring stuff over, I think it’s really up to you two. I’ve brought stuff over as early as the first week and as late as the second month.

    Regarding those tweets: IGNORE THEM. You are awesome, Nando, and Santiago sounds pretty awesome as well. Bringing things over has absolutely no bearing on whether or not the relationship works. It’s completely ridiculous to think otherwise.
    .-= Zoe´s last blog ..Cloudy skies, stuffed sinuses and a turn-around of a weekend =-.

    • @Zoe–gay boys do get to double their wardrobe–if we are the same size.
      He’s more fit than me–ugh, but I’m working on it. Yeah, someone said something to me
      last week which was, “you have the ability to create this relationship however you want,
      so don’t follow RULES that don’t apply or don’t feel right and make this the best unique experience ever!”
      And you know what? She’s right!

      I was sick last night and Santiago had planned on seeing some friends,
      but he asked me if it would be okay if he cancelled his plans and came over instead.
      I insisted he see his friends and I would just let the TheraFlu and donuts work their magic.

      He kept texting to see how I was doing until I knocked out and never responded.
      I like my Santiago–and tonight, the shampoo is moving in! :0)

  • I have a bag that holds a few cosmetics, mouthwash, personal lubricant and condoms (yeah baby), pjs and some snacks (men never seem to have food). GEE looks at the bag with wonder and curiosity.

    It makes me feel like a whore-ish Mary Poppins… which is good in my book.

    Be prepared for whatever, but don’t leave it behind. It makes the person feel like you’re “obtained” and – like peeing in front of each other – kills the romance.
    .-= Miss Alpha´s last blog ..So much for silence =-.

    • @Miss Alpha–I don’t know how to respond to that. I am still in tears laughing at
      your “whore-ish Mary Poppins” line–girl, you can’t do that to me! You rock!
      thanks for stopping by and leaving some of your magic behind!

  • Awww, Nando, he’s awesome. Way to go. I like that he offered to come over instead of going out with his friends, but I ALSO like that you let him go out. Sweetness all around.

    So, we’re sick at the same time? Get better, Nando!
    .-= Zoe´s last blog ..Cloudy skies, stuffed sinuses and a turn-around of a weekend =-.

    • funny how I just re-read this (it’s been 5 months now) and I still feel the same. I guess I am growing up.

  • Yeah, this got me chuckling. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say again: I’m old-fashioned when it comes to courting and dating. It’s so bad that my mother seems modern compared to me.

    As far as taking counter space, I think it is ok as long as it is a mutual agreement. I’m not big on assumptions, so I ask permission if I don’t think I have the go-ahead. I know it sounds weird, but I’m one that does not to cause disrespect to someone else.

    As far as being single, I find it funny how people can be so negative about it. Fo me, I choose to be single right now as I do not see myself making someone else happy to that extent. Having them as friends is most crucial for me, and so I keep them as that.

    Besides, boyfriend or friend, their happiness will outweigh my own. :)

    • you know, in the long run, it didn’t even matter. We have been together 5 months now, and counter space has never been an issue–not from the start or now. What has? Child, that’s for a whole other blog!

  • I keep two sets – one for each place!

    • initially, I would say yes. but guess what? it’s 5 months later–and only ONE SET needed. thanks for reading and stopping by!

  • Firstly; hope you’re feeling better hunni.

    Second, it’s really sweet that Santiago offered to come over and stay with you instead of going with his mates; and even better that you told him to go do this thing.

    As for moving things in; funnily enough; in all my relationships .. my men have been the ones bringing things over. In MTL my excuse was that I had a dog; so always had to go back. If it was a boyf and I was staying over more than twice a week; tooth brush & shower products were what I left behind.

    In London; I had my own place; and all 3 serious r/ships over the 5 years – the guys lived at home – so they were the ones bringing things over (I only kept stuff there if I knew the parents were away for the weekend and I was staying).

    Otherwise I just tend to pack an over night back – so much easier.

    Enjoy the sparks and sharing; and move the products in 😛
    .-= Dazediva´s last blog ..Diva in Dubai =-.

    • Sparks are still there and so are my grooming products! Yay! It’s such a different relationship now–5 months later, I really feel super close to him. It’s nice, that’s all I can say about that.

  • My rule of thumb has always been to think of it as traveling to a developing country. Until I have decided to actually relocate there for the long-term, I don’t take anything over that I wouldn’t mind having confiscated at customs, destroyed in transit, stolen, vomited on, or shared.

    So in the dating world, I imagine that this is the disposable kind of stuff that you wouldn’t think twice of leaving behind in the event that anything goes awry in the relationship. That being said, since things are going so well with you and Santiago, the shampoo can probably move in with you 😉

    However, I never leave my makeup or my underwear anywhere — always opting to truck it all over the city with me; I don’t have duplicates of my makeup because it costs quite a pretty penny, and I am VERY attached to my underthings because they are fabulous. I’ve only ever lost underwear to my war with the neighbor’s cat, and I am still mourning the loss.
    .-= Man-shopper´s last blog ..Mr. Asian Fetish =-.

    • you’re so right on the sharing, aspect of things. Since we are two gay boys–we use the same stuff, at times–and now, he’s used to the good stuff! Damn it, mine!

  • Oh my lord – those twitter responses are from some very distrusting and hurt people.

    Things are things – you can replace them if the worst happens. Had I seen it, my response would have been completely different.

    You know where you two are – Offer him space at your place and ask if you can bring a few things over (like underwear and your products) This question is indeed a first minor hurdle and sends some people running in terror at this appearance of the C word (commitment) but only you can measure how you feel and if you are ready to add this dimension to your relationship.

    • hurt to the extreme and just jaded. but it’s okay–maybe they will soften one day. Mostly they were from the straights. Gays were like–take it all honey!

      I love the diverse responses!

  • Is there a specif right moment? Of course following certain rules help a lot sometimes but most of all…FEEL it, it’s all about the connection you have, because deep inside you know when you are pushing the bounderies way far… Have fun sweetie, enjoy life and be very happy!

  • Hi Nando! Following rules sometimes helps a lot but is there a specific right moment for that? The most important thing is to FEEL IT! Deep inside we always know if we are pushing the bounderies too far. Enjoy life and be very happy sweetie!

  • Oh dear lord! Yes, thats why these people are alone.

    Its freaking shampoo and soap. Stuff you need when staying over 6 nights a week.

    I’d be bringing crap over if I was spending that much time anywhere.. whether it be a friend’s house, my parents place, or a boyfriend.

    Add to that, that you’re in a committed relationship.. and yeah, bring in the needed stuff.

    Sure you might want to let him know that you brought some stuff over for when you’re there, rather than just “SURPRISE” my crap’s in your shower.

    If you’ve been over there the majority of the nights of a week, he should be expecting to make some room for your comfort.
    .-= Maruska Morena´s last blog ..Will He or Won’t He Marry Me? =-.

  • Earthquake rule. This applies to home, work, romance… whatever you leave behind make sure it has no value to you so if you can’t get back in, it doesn’t matter.
    .-= Marna´s last blog ..Life is a circus =-.

  • Unfortunately, I don’t have a good answer for when its the right time to start leaving stuff over at your boyfriends apartment. I would assume that once you’ve made things official as a couple that would be clue enough that it’s ok to begin doing so.

    I’m more surprised at the tweets received in response to your question. Wow! Monkey poop for sure!

  • I get that people are trying to be careful, but seriously “don’t bring your stuff over, what if you break up!?” – oh no, then you’ll have to buy a WHOLE NEW TOOTHPASTE! In your case, that wouldn’t even be a problem since it’s gift basket stuff anyway.

    I say sneak it in, one bottle at a time 😉

  • Well….I just started seeing this guy but we just click. I can’t explain it. Never had this happen before. He’s already brought a few personal items to my apartment to leave there and I love it! It shows he intends to be around…

    • Good luck on that! Take it slow. You know we get very excited at first!
      But having said that–have fun and work it sister!

  • Well I think if you are in a solid relationship and already staying over that many days in a row. Start off by leaving the almost finished products to test the waters, and see if he notices or says something. Now the other thing is, if you have a place for your clothes when you are there, and not living out of a bag/suitcase… Then that should be a sign that having your things there for everyday use will be fine to leave. Just buy a storage case so it can be put away and does not overcrowd him. That way it does not feel like you are pushing your way in. God forbid something does happen, you have an easy way to also just pick up and go. Now another cool way to test the waters. Going shopping together… Find something you like, that you would want at your place, and tell him that you think this would look great at his. But don’t let him buy it, you get it for yourself. If he thinks it is a great idea and lets you do all that. Then you know you can slowly start leaving things as well as starting that letter to the landlord that you will be moving out. Unless you want to and have the means to keep your place like “SATC”. All depends where you live and how hard it is to find a good place. But I am a big romantic at heart and think it will last. Maybe you find a new place together and just expand. :O)

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