Those of you who read The Secret will probably hate me right about now, because according to Rhonda Byrne and her life-transforming book, if you want something bad enough–no, I mean really bad enough–you’ll call it into your life. Well, I’m here to tell you–it’s a bunch a hooey with a capital D which stands for desperate and that’s what you’ve become! I’m not talking to the sane people out there who live their lives with normal activities and have an active social life who date. I’m talking to those of you who sit at home countless of hours online searching profile after profile looking for a man, planning weddings, births, adoptions, and showers; those who have even cleared out a few drawers and closet space thinking, “They’re on their way” –SNAP OUT OF IT!
I don’t know how to tell you this but you’re a hot mess. And not just Tom Crusie “jumping off the couch” crazy, but Freudian, “You need to be on the couch, crazy! Your life has taken a wrong turn somewhere and your natural human dissopsition of wanting to share your life with someone has turn into a nasty obession and it needs to stop before someone calls animal control on you–cause honey, you’re like an annoying cat in heat screeching its horny love-calls on your neighborhood fence and child, someone needs to throw a bucket of ice water on you. And here’s the first splash.
Here are 5 reason why you should stop desperately looking for Mr. Right.
1. You’re sickening your friends: Your friends are tired of listening to you complain. Yes, you’re single, we get it–but stop already. Question: Has your social interaction with them decreased? That’s because they stopped inviting “Crazy-Desperate” (that’s you) to the fun. And for good reason, not only are you obsessed with not having a partner, you are OBSESSED WITH NOT HAVING A PARTNER! Good grief, take a deep “single” breath and let it go. It’s okay to be single. It doesn’t mean you’re less than or not good enough, it only means the timing is off.
2. You look desperate to the world (twitter, facebook): God bless us all if you’re on a social media network and we ignorantly accepted you as a friend. All your facebook status updates consist of how you think the Fed Ex guy just winked at you. No he didn’t, he’s got high cholesterol and it’s a clogged vein in his brain causing the ticks. Girl, you have got to pull it together. Twitter and Facebook are not high school yearbooks for you to update us on an minute by minute basis of how the lay-a-way clerk at Kmart–who happens to own a monkey–is flirting with you. He’s actually just happy you’re finally giving a payment on your three-tier toilet shelf. Seriously, stop looking so desperate on twitter and facebook.
3. Your dating criteria has dropped: This was bound to happen. You’ve been clicking away on eHarmony, match.com and Jdate so long that when a man with teeth finally messages you–you accept the date. What happened to your fantasy of a man with teeth AND hair? You used to have a criteria that consisted of good hygiene, a respectable job, and treats his mother nice. Now you’ll accept a date if the guy’s prison record consists of only felony misdemeanors, his medicaid pays for Rogaine, and if his prison-release half-way house will allow you to bring your kids along on Sunday visitations. Take a look in the mirror girl, what’s happened to you?
4. You’re headed for heartbreak, lonely nights and maybe a rash of some sort: When you drop your dating criteria faster than Gillette dropped Tiger Woods, you’ll end up hooking up with the first man who says, “Go get me a beer and some pork rinds, bitch.” And that’s not good, unless you’re Mexican–that reminds me, I need to call my uncle Frank, but I digress. Filling the “single” void is easy to do–why do you think Paris Hilton gets so many dates? But that’s not what you really want. When you’re with someone, the wrong someone, just because you don’t want to be alone at night–guess what? It will happen anyways, because chances are, they’re not going to be dedicated to just you and you”ll end up alone in bed crying while reaching for the herpes cream.
5. You’re missing out on life: While you’re home fearing for your life, because the man–with no teeth, no job and an inverted penis you were dating–turns out to be wanted for murder and his parole officer calls you to warn you–don’t text us for help. We tried to warn you. Your desperate ways lead you down a lonely and dirty , murderous, herpes-filled road and while you’re dialing 911 for protection, we’ll be at a Grammy’s party or at brunch discussing the latest Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony divorce rumor while our iPhones are on silent. Take back control of your life and live it. Enjoy singlehood, it has a lot to offer. It’s not too late, you can reverse all the crazy behavior by heading my advice, “Stop looking for Mr.Right and let him look for you.”