Guess what? Our favorite guest blogger, JAB, is back. And consider yourself lucky otherwise this blog post would have been dedicated to Madonna’s boy toy: Jose Luz and his sexy new photos. What? You haven’t seen them? Then check them out ASAP at Beauty Sweet Spot ‘s blog!
So enjoy “JAB’s” new post as he rant and raves over some stuff that I find hilarious. Sorry JAB, it’s true–this made me laugh all the way home.
There are times when you really just gotta get stuff off your chest. This would be one of those times. 10 things that are pissing me off right now.
1.You know you’re ghetto if you have suits the color of skittles.
I work in a fairly professional environment. We get some pretty high profile people coming through our office from time to time. This fact is why it just baffles me every time I see this one guy. This guy that rolls through the hallways on a regular in suits colored by the rainbow. Today was green. I mean, a nice olive suit I can understand. Pimp Spike Lee with a gangsta lean’s suit was like that of a peanut M&M.
A few weeks ago we had the top dog from DC headquarters fly in to give a major speech. And I shit you not, this guy came steppin’ in all 5 foot 5, sporting orange….ORANGE! With a matching hat. I’m just like, and you can’t figure out why you’ve been here for 10 years and you’re still a call agent?
2.White people adopting Haiti kids.
Don’t get me wrong. I feel for Haiti and all they’re going through. But last time I checked the US Statistics, there were over 100,000 black kids in America waiting to be adopted. Hey White people, go pick up a Black kid around here.
3.Ellen as a judge on American Idol.
Hear me out. I love me some Ellen. She’s very talented, has a great show and is a great comedian. So when they start auditioning for stand up comedy, gimme a call. I mean, come on party people! Because she has a great show and dances a lil jig in the opening, she’s supposed to have some kind of great musical insight? I can go find 5 people at my job that have more musical accomplishments than Ellen. But American Idol knows their audience. So why don’t we just call this what it is. Patronizing the gay community.
4.Haircut by Uncle Barber.
So I go to my regular hair salon for a haircut only to find out my regular guy was off that day. I should check these things first, but what are you gonna do? Since this wasn’t my first time my guy was out, I’m used to jumping in someone else’s chair. I figure, if they work here, they’re all good enough to tag in for one cut. I look down the line at all the people that have stepped up in the past, all the chairs are full–except one. It’s the guy that I’ve always avoided, just had a feeling. Maybe it was the way all the other barbers giggled at him behind his back or the that he looked and acted like a Martin Lawrence spoof character from his old show or that his chair was ALWAYS available. That should have been my first clue but I was conned into climbing into his chair.
Second clue: When I told him the cut I wanted, he told me to show him. For those of you who have never been to a Black barber shop, every single one has a poster with like 60 pictures of different haircuts. Most barbers don’t use it, they can follow direction. Not this guy. “Number 48” I tell him. “Alright then, sit down.”
Final clue: As he’s combing my hair (ROUGHLY I might add. Imagine Celie in The Color Purple) to prepare cutting, the owner walks in and tells him something or other, then walks off. “Who does that girl think she is?!” he says. I reply, “My guess is the owner.” “I outta put her over my knee!” That’s the kind of talk that you’d think would get someone fired, which I quietly pointed out to him. But that didn’t matter to him because “Hell, that girl’s my niece!”
Suddenly a cold chill came over me. At first it was due to fear of what was about to happen. But soon the chill was due to the hatchet job he did on my head. Hair flying everywhere. When he finished I looked in the mirror, then I looked at number 48. Mirror. Number 48. Then I looked at the smirk on his face as if he actually accomplished something. So if you remember anything, remember this: Whenever your barber tells you he’s the owner’s uncle, just get the hell out of the chair.
5.People trying to talk to me while I’m on the toilet.
That’s my Facebook time. Why do people at work pick that time to talk about “the memo” or ask, “Did you hear about Derek in Accounting?” I don’t even know Derek, you gossiping ninny! Can’t you see I’m trying to hide from you people?!
6.Facebook Friends and Stupid Shit
Speaking of Facebook. I have got to have the most friends that do nothing but post their Mafia War scores like twice a day. If I have one more friend send me “a drink” or “pillow fight” or an invite to some virtual world game, I’m gonna track them down and choke the life out of em.
7.Sales people trying to sell me extra stuff.
After Uncle Barber mowed my head down, I had to go buy a hairbrush for the first time in ten years. All I had were combs that no longer applied. I made the mistake of going to Sally Beauty Supply. Apparently they’re not used to having men come in. This woman proceeded to try and up sell me on everything from exfoliates to a blow dryer to some cuticle thingy whatever. Hey lady, do you see any hair on my head that warrants a hair dryer?? Just ring up my damn hairbrush! Never mind, I’m going to CVS.
8.Glee
I swear to God, just channel surfing past this show and hearing a bad rendition of “Bust a Move” or some shit just makes my skin turn green, my clothes rip off and I want to smash something. I mean, one episode had some high school football player having dinner with his girlfriend’s family. And her dad made him so nervous he had to go get a jambox from some random place in the house, pop in a CD he just HAPPENED to have on him and sing a ballad to the family to express his feelings. A HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL PLAYER! GRRRR!!!
9.Brad Pitt
That boy’s fuckin’ up. I don’t know how his brain reaches the decisions it does, but he needs to re-evaluate. And I’m not talking about Angelina. I’m talking about that shit on his face. I mean, really? Have you seen him lately?? I saw him on that Haiti fundraiser and I was like, please tell me he’s in production as the new wizard in another Harry Potter. I used to think he was so good looking, he could do anything to himself and still look good. I was terribly mistaken. He only has one thing in life he has to do and that’s look good. And he goes off and grows a Unibomber. It must be nice to be able to take off from work for so long you can make yourself look like that shit and it doesn’t mean a thing. You know he has a home in New Orleans. Hey New Orleans people, look out for the new panhandler in town!
10.Dumbass Sean Hannity
…You know what? I’m so pissed right now I can’t even keep writing. I gotta go…
!Jab!
I totally agree with you about the whole Brad Pitt facial hair. UGGHH
.-= Elisa´s last blog ..Sunshine in Split =-.
Jab,
you are hilarious and I thought I was the only one in the planet who cringed when “Bust a Move” was done on glee. I was embarrassed, disgusted and horrified–just like when I look at myself naked, in the mirror!
and your rant on farmville chickens being lonely and pillow fight invited on facebook, help us! there’s got to be something out there for these people to realize–we don’t wanna know about their pet duck going to the vet. Oy!
Love your post and I hope to see you on here again more often!
Elisa,
What tha hell is Brad thinking? Is he trying to attract birds to build a nest? I say we start a petition.
Great post Jab!!
Brad does that scraggly beard thing every time he’s between projects, I dunno why, is he trying to make himself un-sexy by looking like the homeless guy on the freeway on ramp??
And Ellen – yeah – don’t know if it’s pandering to the gays, but that choice definitely made me cock my head and say “huh”??!!
On the barber shop – white barber shops have those posters too – and I had the same experience with the wife of the owner of one nearby. I have to go somewhere else now because her chair is always open and I feel bad saying I’ll wait.
Mike,
I used to jump in any open barber chair there like a lost puppy in a kindergarten lunchroom. But that guy will NEVER lure me in again! I gotta check out the white barber’s poster. Do they change styles often? B/c I think they’ve had the same posters in Black shops since 1988.
I don’t think the white barbers posters have changed since about the same time, maybe longer even as it starts off with early 60′s style short hair. And for diversity there is one black hair poster too.
This was the funniest yet! Thanks Jab! I was just thinkin’ yesterday how much I like the way AF/AM men wear the brightest colors! And, I’ve always loved the unibomber beard. I have a lot of hippie friends, but I agree with you about Brad. He’s so frickin’ hot otherwise.
Very funny! Loved it! Keep ‘em coming’. I laughed a lot, out loud.
D
OK, i have to throw in some cents on #2.
First, I can’t fault someone for making a difference in an orphan’s life, regardless of whether they got the orphan locally, in China, Haiti, or wherever. Regardless of the needs here, if you’re making a difference in a human’s life, I think that’s great.
Yes, there are many black children who need homes right here in the USA. Just look at the state’s website for foster/adoption. You’ll find hundreds of black kids- families of them, that need parents.
What I wonder is why the disparate ratio of black children who need adoption? Is it purely the economic situation of minorities in the USA, or has the black community failed itself?
@BK – I don’t know–listen, I was adopted, from Mexico so I hear what you’re saying,
my parents could’ve adopted another unwanted Mexican brat in the USA but they chose not to.
But I gotta agree with Jab on this one–why now? If you really wanted to adopt, for the sake
of making a difference in a child’s life–why wait til Haiti when the US has got tons!
It’s like all the folks who found their religion in Kabbalah ONLY AFTER Madonna started sporting
a red thread around her wrist. I mean c’mon, now everyone’s mishpocheh?
Speaking of techno-color suits. I have a gay friend with a congenital disorder – he’s missing the fashion gene. An owner of a men’s clothing shop that sold those M&M colored suits was going out of business (gee, wonder why?). My friend was invited to purchase suits at deep discounts before the creditors took over the store, to which he jumped at the opportunity. So, JAB, what’s worse that ghetto dude? A tall white gay man pounding the pavement in an M&M colored suit, who gleams with pride when the receptionists at the offices where he’s interviewing comment, “what an interesting suit.”
Dianimal,
You don’t look surprised by M&M. But you sure get a good laugh out of Eminem.
BK, 2 things:
1. I wish these new parents all the best. I just hope they are doing it for the right reasons and still feel that way 5 years from now.
2. The high ratio is simply due to high birth rates vs. low numbers of viable parents. If there were as many Black adults that WANTED kids and didn’t have their own as there are White adults in that situation, we wouldn’t have this situation. White babies in America up for adoption get snatched up like an after Christmas sale. Black kids stay on the clearance rack.
#1. That moron drives me nuts with his dress code. And you never mentioned his shoes. The ones with the over extended toes. A: He’s not in 16th century Spain and B: He’s not Mexican…because the Mexican man can pull those pointed toe boots off. He once wore one of those idiotic shirts that men who are less than men wear. The kind that are decorated with military ribbons and rank stripes…and the area above the pocket said “combat”. He should have been shot.
#2 I’ll give you the reason in person…as I don’t frequent this blog and don’t want to piss anyone off.
#3 Who cares…I’d bang Ellen anyway.
#4 Nothing worse than a bad haircut.
#6 I could give a rat’s ass about your farm.
#9 Didn’t Kurt Cobain look just like that before he nibbled on that shotgun?
#10 You know damn good and well that you love Sean Hannity.
Hey Jab!
(#1) Colorful suits do not come from the ghetto. I blame the colorful suits on black folks with roots in Detroit or Chicago. If not, then the Caribbean. Next time, ask and you’re going to laugh your ass off, on the inside, when you see I’m right.
(#2) The new adoption process of Haitian kids is no quicker than before, actually longer. They keep showing us the stories of people who were already in the process. Yes, I think there’s a bleeding heart thing going for Haitian children just like those old Sally Struthers Save the Children informercials. That’s as far as I’ll go with topic.
(#3) Equally stunned, not sure of reason. Ellen does not have a rhythmic or melodic bone in her body. I heard MJB was in the running and she would make a more natural fit.
(#8) I totally HEART Glee! I have Glee’s vol 1 and 2 soundtracks. I think the cheesy and over-stereotyped part IS the appeal.
nice post! i got my laugh on. now for a martini
Too funny! I agree with all but the skittle-colored suits. I like a little splash of color at the office! I get tired of the tired black suits.
Jabster, u Took the words right out of my mouth.. OUCCCCHHH!
BTW, I think Brad is sporting that goatee for a movie, at least I hope..
jab- that’s what I’m saying. Why is there such a low number of viable black parents? Why are there not more that want kids?
Thiah,
I checked IMDB to see if anything was in production that fit. I couldn’t find anything. Even so, if they have the technology to make him into an old ass baby, they can put a fake beard on his ass! ERR…face!