The porn industry is recession-proof, maybe that’s where all the Wall Street fat cats should go, well, maybe not–have you seen the shape of those kitties? But move over regular gay porn, there’s a new fetish in town and it’s called “gay for pay“. It’s a great little catergory where broke straight men are paid to have sex with other straight men. Both parties claim to be straight but I have my doubts. Here’s a little bit of how the gay skin flick progresses into an art form.
Picture it: a funky couch in a cheesy house with motel art on the walls. We’re to believe that some how these guys just wandered onto this set–with lights and video cameras–and just sit on the couch and chat. They all have fake Florida tans (I should know, I love you Alaska Sun Tanning). We hear a scruffy male voice off-screen, “Go ahead and take your pants off.” (It’s at this point that I decide whether I want to continue watching–why? I need emotion, depth, true human factors in my gay porn like in Scream for us Bradley and Just Got Caught…Oops) If they take their pants off too soon, I’m outta there but if they hesitate for one second and show a sincere thought process occurring, I’ll stay.
Straight boy #1: I don’t know man. I’ve never done this before.
Straight boy #2: Yeah, me neither.
Off-Screen voice: (sounds like a true pervert) How about I give each of you $100?
Then it cuts to the men pleasuring themselves–as young men should. Don’t judge, it’s in the bible. Then we reach the first plot conflict.
Off-Screen voice: You guys can “help” each other out if you like.
I wanted them to fight it! Say no boys, stick to your own guns. Don’t let this guy push you around. Who is he anyways? You’re the real stars–especially the one with the tattoos and enough gel in his spiky hair to stab birds to death, don’t give in. The off-screen voice noted their hesitation, just like I did. My heart stopped–what’ll happen next?
Off-Screen voice: I’ll give you an additional $100.00 each if you help one another out.
Damn it, he’s good! How can they resist this offer? This is where their core parenting values will kick in. Did mom and dad do their jobs correctly? Let’s see.
Straight boy #1: Well, I do have an anniversary coming up and my girlfriend wants a diamond ring.
Straight boy #2: Yeah, I have a car payment due next week.
Damn. Those must have been latch-key kids. And damn these rough economic times–those boys had no other option but to pleasure one another–I mean, what other choice did they have, right? I continued watching but only for sociological purposes. They placed their hands on one another’s manly parts but I studied their faces. I was convinced that real straight men would have disgust and shame displayed on their mugs. I saw something. Eh, I guess it’ll pass for disgust, I continued to watch but vowed I’d turn it off if any of this started to look staged!
Off-Screen voice: For an additional $200, will you guys relieve one another…orally?
That was it–the last straw. How dare he exploits these young men. Does Obama know this is going on in his 50 state reign? This is where I drew the line. Oh wait, the one with the extremely large feet seemed to know a little extra about man-on-man pleasure. I reached for my notebook and took a few notes. But I would not continue to watch if this turned fake; only an additional 18 minutes–but that was it.
Straight boy #1: How long do I have to do it?
Straight boy #2: Yeah?
Well those seem like legit questions that a straight man would ask when requested to perform mouth-to-penis therapy on another man. I felt horrible for them, especially the one with the bigger penis and a small mole on his left butt cheek. Yes, I had developed feelings for these young souls. And to my surprise, the off-screen pervert took the stakes higher and asked them to have full sexual relations for an additional $400.
I was disgusted with the following 32 minutes of screen time. (And who knew that would be a fold-old couch? Oy!) Where have the scared and holy acts of man-on-man romping gone? This wasn’t what I signed up for; my gay genes were revolting. Now the straights are enjoying our type of sex? Where is my congressman? Oh, the off-screen voice was my congressman?
What do you think of gay for pay porn? Does it give gay men the false hope that we can have sex with straights? Does it actually show that sexually–the lines are no longer so clear–especially when a car payment is due? Or does it just provide hours of entertainment with sociological value?