There comes a point in every gay man’s life when we need a little love and affection–and when that doesn’t come our way–there’s ALWAYS craigslist. The modern wonders of the internet allows us all to click onto this site and hunt for a roommate, a job or a new boyfriend and if you’re lucky you can find all three posted in just one ad. But fellas, please learn how to create your post before sending your energy into cyberspace. I know you’re the master of your own universe, but seriously, your universe kind of sucks and that’s why you’re posting.
Follow these 5 simple rules on creating a post on craigslist and you’ll be on your way to a happier life and a not so empty bed.
1. Titles: Don’t use the current POP songs in your titles: “Let me take a ride on your disco stick” and “Touch my Boom Boom Pow” are not that effective. Although they’re not as memorable as the classic skank titles: “Play with my ass and I’ll play with yours” and the ever popular “Horned up in Hoboken looking to swap love-juices“. Yes, I give you points for the hyphenated phrase, but I have a feeling that after your visitor leaves he’ll leave behind a parting gift called herpes. Keep it simple and put some original thought into it.
2. Typos: I am the KING of typos. But I will give my craigslist ad an extra glance because nothing kills romance than reading about a guy who’s “Into kinkt sex & cick rings“. You were either typing too fast and just needed to post because you’re on a deadline before the wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend arrives and discovers your naughty ways or you’re just a slob with no passion for punctuation–either way, you deserved to be spanked. (And I think that’s why you posted)
3. Attitude: Don’t be angry in your posts. Life has handed all of us lemons at one point or another but we don’t need to know that you hate ASIANS and that they better not respond to your ad. Also, be nice to the fem gays out there–they deserve 8.5 uncut pleasures too. I come across too many posts that start off with, “Leave the bullshit at the door because I’m not taking it anymore,” or “Come at me with respect because I’ve been saved by Jesus and your sorry ass muthaf*&kers can just go to hell.” I’m positive your bible study teacher would be proud that you’re thinking of Jesus while searching for sex on craigslist–but let’s leave him out of it on this one–yeah? Amen.
4. Photography: Do you realize that people are judging you on your photo more than anything else? And you still choose to use the pic of you standing naked in the living room with the photo of your grandmother hanging on the wall behind you while your cat is sleeping on the Lazy-Boy? Or what about the ever-so-famous bathroom mirror photo with the horrible flash spot that covers half your face? C’mon fellas, get with the program! But nothing, I mean nothing is worse that posting a photo of yourself that is no longer representative of what you look like RIGHT NOW. This is just wrong on all accounts and the wrath of the Craigslist gods will come down on you forcing you to eventually switch over to adam4adam.com and look for love there. Try to use a face pic that shows off your charming smile or one that let’s us see how sexy your eyes are–these are the pics that grab our attention–which in turn will make us grab something of yours. (wink, wink *rolls out condom)
5. Give us MEAT: No, not that kind; make your ad interesting, tell us a bit about yourself; what you find romantic or what makes you laugh. Don’t just post your stats then get upset when the only responses you get are about sex–you didn’t give us any insight on who you are as a person. Think about your post and ask yourself, “What will make them respond?” Look at other posts from other areas and get an idea of what you want to convey–hell, if push comes to shove, do a little copy and paste number on your ad–this is craigslist not your college thesis. Remember, give us a little meat and while you’re at it–throw in some potatoes.
Always play safe as you never know who’s out there lurking or what they have. Use your heads when posting and responding to ads on craigslist and I’m confident you’ll have a pleasurable time with a hot man with a large uncut penis.