Our favorite guest blogger, Jab, is back and being as provocative as ever as he asks, “How would you react if your child were gay?”
He poses an important question to parents. Just exactly would you respond to the inquiry?
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So I’m in a screaming argument with my friend’s brother-in-law about civil/human rights and owning guns. (Hey, we live in Texas. Get over it.)
Gun Guy: Hey, I’m not hurting anybody! Unless they break in my damn house! If it’s got nothing to do with you, I should have the right to own all the guns I want!
Jab: So you’re saying as long as what someone is doing doesn’t affect anybody else’s rights or their lives, there shouldn’t be a law against it?
Gun Guy: RIGHT!
Jab: So you’re for gay marriage.
Gun Guy:…….NO!
Which got me thinking. What if he found out his son were gay. I mean, the boy IS a bit on the dainty side. It’s not out of the question. How would Man-of-God Gun Guy react to that? And then I started wondering about my ACTUAL friends that have kids. What would they think/say/do in that situation? So I decided to do a little investigating to find out.
-28 yr old Dad of two boys-
Well… I guess it does also depend on the level of “gayness”. Again, I’d still love them but if given the choice I’d prefer them not to be a boa wearing Dame Edna type or have them come to Thanksgiving wearing Daisy Dukes and a pink tank top. I really don’t personally know any gay people that are like that and only know that stereotype from the media but I’m just sayin’. “
-35 yr old Mom of 5 yr old girl, 1 yr old boy-
“Steven and I actually talked about it. We would be just fine with it, but for me as long as she turned out fem and not butch. I want someone to go shopping with and be a girlie girl with me.”
-38 yr old expecting Mom-
“I would be shocked or stunned at first, sure. But, as I feel and think for all of my friends, I would not care as long as she is happy and her s/o is treating her right. It is hard enough for people to find love in this world and even harder for gay people, so as long as 2 people are happy, that is fine with me. Yes, it would take some getting used to, but I love my daughter, even though she is not due to be born until September. I hope that she feels comfortable telling us and not trying to hide her feelings and who she is.
-40 yr old Dad of 5 yr old boy, 1 yr old girl-
“I think I’d honestly be shocked, question what went wrong, what did I do? I don’t think any parent wants a child to be gay, to have to deal w/ a lifetime of looks, comments, prejudice and discrimination for a gay child not to mention the comments behind the back of the parents. Do you tell your friends, neighbors and co-workers? If so, how? And how would I react to meeting the “guy” or ‘gal”? I really think in the end, for me and my wife that we would accept it for what it is. Would I be happy about it? No.”
-36 yr old Mom of 2 yr old boy-
“If my child were gay, then I’d be the luckiest Mom in the world to have the most amazing Gay son! And he’d have lots of Gay uncles to teach him the ropes 
”
-38 yr old Dad of 9 yr old girl, 5 yr old boy-
If I assessed that they were truly Gay then I would work my tail off to help them be Gay. In other words, give them avenues to meet Gay people and venues to feel comfortable and normal. I would just need to be more sensitive to the issue and Give them the tools to gain confidence. That is what a parent does. Love is unconditional. Personally I don’t want that but it is not my will that matters in this scenario.”
-45 yr old Mom of a teenage girl with a daughter-
“This is something that we have talked about a lot over the years. My daughter’s Grandfather was such a wonderful man but soooo racist and narrow minded, ok maybe not wonderful but decent mostly. One day when we were discussing some of these issues he really thought he had me over a barrel and asked what I would do if my daughter married a black man or an Asian man? I truthfully replied that I didn’t care if she married an Asian or African American WOMAN if that PERSON made her happy and was good to her. I am sure God would rather any two people love each other and treat each other with kindness in a world where there is so much hate and violence. Just my two cents.”
-37 yr old Dad of two young boys-
“I’ve already figured that out. If either of my boys tell me that they’re gay, I’ll be getting them into the car to go and have a conversation with Uncle Dave and Aunt Frank.”
-40 yr old Dad of 17 yr old boy, 1 yr old girl-
“I have to admit that if either of my kids were gay, I would be hugely disappointed. It’s not that I am against homosexuality, I just would prefer my kids not be gay. I hate to use the old cliché, but I have several gay friends and none of their lifestyles bother me. It doesn’t bother me being hit on by another man. I just take it as a compliment. Why get upset over it? So to say that I detest gay people or have homophobic tendencies is inaccurate. I explain all that so that you can have a better understanding of how I feel about it…not anti gay, just prefer my kids not be gay. Make sense? But either way…if one or both of them told me they were gay, I would not love them any less. Same goes for their significant other. As long as they were good to my kids and my kids were happy in their relationship with that person, I would love them for who they are and welcome them into my family and defend them against some of the nut jobs in my family who I know would look down on them. I’m not sure about Isabella, but I got confirmation of Austin’s heterosexuality when he was about five….it is a thing that all men unknowingly look to confirm, and when it is confirmed, say to yourself, “Hell yeah…my boy’s not gay!” “
-38 yr old Dad of newborn boy-
“Gaby and I have had this conversation, before we even had a child and since. We would accept and love him the same. Sorry if that is politically correct, but it is true. We just want him to be happy. We would prefer him to be straight, but believe you’re made the way you are and if gay is how he’s made than we’ll support him. I just hope if he is gay we can recognize it so we can help him through the isolation and confusion of his formative years.”
-43 yr old Mom of 12 yr old boy, 9 yr old girl-
“I would say I am taking you to your grandmothers. She has to pray for you like right now.”
-pregnant37 yr old Mom of 7 yr old boy-
“I’d like to think I would say just what he wanted to hear, in the way he wanted to hear it, “Son, thank you for being open and honest with us, you know we love you no matter what.” But my face would likely say “What???” or I’d say, “I knew it!” and look at my husband and say, “told ya so!’
-49 yr old Dad of 22 yr old girl, 7 yr old girl, 3 yr old boy-“I’ve actually given this some thought in the past and I honestly think that my personal feelings would line up with my public pronouncements – what difference would it make? Our sexual orientation is what it is – I can’t create my children’s orientation (other than perhaps genetically) and neither can they. Laura is 22 (and has never been on a date in her life, to my knowledge), Meredith is 7 and Parker is 3, so it’s impossible to say for sure what their orientations are or will be. And it doesn’t matter.”
-36 yr old Mom of 3 yr old, newborn girls-
“I would be a little disappointed but what are you going to do? You can’t make them straight. I would still love them. I can’t imagine not loving or disowning them just because they were gay.”
-37 yr old mom of 2 yr old boy
“Since he’s only 2 it’s really hard to put myself honestly in that place. I’m pretty sure it would just be a matter of “oh! Ok, son, are you happy? Are people at school being kind to you?” But who knows if my real reaction would be different once I have a few more years to grow attached to a certain vision of him. Then again, I’d like to think that I’ll know my son (and myself) well enough that I would know or suspect he’s gay well before he tells me.”
-40 yr old Dad of 3 yr old girl and expected boy-
“I would ban him from listening to Broadway show tunes! Go on a program of de-gay-a-fy-ing him…lots of sports, uber-metal, Spike TV, and Maxim Magazines.”
-36 yr old Mom of one daughter, one son, and another daughter on the way-“I have actually thought about this a little. Despite how I want to think I would react, I would probably be silently disappointed (a little). It certainly would NOT affect how much I love my babies! Anyone my kids love will always be welcome (excluding violent ax-murderers and the like).”
-Expecting Mom of her first child-
“I would say “I love you no matter what and that I am here for you as a parent and a friend.” Oh! And I will probably become an obnoxious gay advocate so don’t be embarrassed of me!”
Not surprising, most had already given it thought. What WAS surprising was some of the answers I got from this group of mostly Gen-Xers. I realize that parents have a vision of what they want for their kids, so I try to reserve judgment. That said, knowing the effect of a parent on their kids’ future…I’d hope that some would give this more thought.
!Jab!
Honestly, I would be fine. The main worry, is how society treats anyone who is different. Then again, I was into sport and boys in high school, not drugs, and I was shunned too
So my fear is daft, but I think it might be worse for my boys than I ever had it, if they are Gay.
@Cazpi-thanks for stopping by and sharing.
What a beautiful spirit you have, just by your words, I can sense it.
Your children are very lucky to have you. (gay or straight)
I wouldn’t care. It’s not who you love, it’s that you do.
I love that–you are too cool for school, sister!
If you’d put that on a card…I’d buy it.
I was just having this convo this weekend with family members, a lil cousin has been pretending to be in the closet for his step-father’s sake and was recently found in bed with a boy, he is 18 now. His re to them: I won’t be in the closet for you anymore. It made me happy. A born again I know found out that her daughter is a lesbian, by reading teen’s journal and has since told her she is going to hell. I believe she at one point was disowning her daughter. And I say this, if you sign on to be a parent, you are signing on to deal with any illnesses, issues, and CHOICES AND PERSONALITIES your kids make. You MUST accept that child, as is, as their own person. You don’t get to claim ownership of that person. Even if you think so, they grow up, and are allowed to be their Own person. If you can’t handle it, DON’T HAVE KIDS. (I was venting the same this weekend to family members.) I mean, really. I am not saying you don’t get to be worried, or talk it out, but if you can’t accept your own child for who they are, that is your problem, not theirs. Nor should it be. There are too many displaced GLB teens and kids in society. It is so sad. Tragic.
Please have an open mind and an open heart with your children. That IS what you signed on for.
The end.
XO
this is pretty powerful stuff here.
if anyone reading is dealing with or has dealt with something like this.
can you offer any words or wisdom?
thanks for sharing Miss Jenn.
How funny, I was just having this chat with hubby this weekend about what he thought if Lil Man was gay. Now, anyone that clearly knows me, KNOWS this isn’t an issue with me, and Hubby loves the gays just as me, but i wondered what he would think if it was his own son. He looked at me, hurt, that I would even question him on this. “He’s my son, what makes him happy, makes me happy. What difference does it make if he’s gay, straight, bi, whatever?” Me, I’ll be getting my kleenex ready for the wedding. So whichever man or woman is lucky enough to marry my son better look out. I’ll be the bawling mother.
You’re going the make the BEST mama ever & I wanna meet you and daddy Patti!
You both are such prime examples of two loving people just ready to share what you have.
And because of you, I’ve learned a lot and I’ve gained many new friends. Thank you
sweetie. You make blogging a love affair!
Dan Savage talks about this a lot on his podcast, in his columns, and on air. I think, for teens, unless they know they are in a safe/accepting place, he suggests they stay in the closet until they finish high school and can move to a big city.
It’s hard to believe there are still parents out there who don’t unconditionally love… but there are.
.-= Marna´s last blog ..He’s just that into you =-.
Oooh, that’s a tough one because I remember what it felt like to hide “in the closet” until I graduated but I was dying inside.
Not so much because I wanted to go out and have sex, but I had no one to talk to about my thoughts, my mind…what my crazy self was thinking.
Maybe I’m not a good one to comment on this–not sure I recommend “not coming out” or “coming out” if you’re
in an unsafe environment. I know I spoke to a little 19 year old trangsgender boy on the train a few weeks ago
and he agreed with what Dan Savage is saying–they need to wait to come out until they have a safe place to turn to.
But these babies are having a tough time, despite it being 2010.
Be brave little ones. Be brave.
I’ve read the blog and all the variety of responses. I can see and know people that fit most if not all of those responses. My sister-in-law’s nephew is deeply closeted because of where he is, my brother and wife have made sure he knows it’s safe if he comes out to them, but the rest of his environment makes it very difficult.
Then there are those that are lucky enough to live in a large metropolitan area that has resources, friends, relatives, etc. that make it easy and less of an issue.
We live in a country that is not homogeneous. As people and beliefs are varied so will be the responses to all of these. Whether it be 1968, 1980 or 2010; time does makes a difference but some things will never change and we have to be aware of that.