The Break Up in 2007

Last night I went out with Rafael and it hit me–he’s just not my type and I had to tell him. And I decided to do it before the appetizers came, but then I chickened out. Instead, I looked around the predominantly gay restaurant, which explained why out waitress was a pre-op Asian-Tranny, and tried to get drunk instead.

After the appetizers, deliciously carved-out pumpkin cavities filled with cheese and something black and squishy, I decided it was time to let him down easy. I would just explain that I just “wasn’t that into him” and it had to be done before the main dish came out. But I didn’t.

The reason I didn’t bring it up was because he chimed in on how he liked me–as he waved his hands around in circular movements as if casting a magic spell like Endora on Bewitched.

Rafa: Nando, I know we haven’t been dating long, but I want to take this to the next level.
Nando: Have you tried the breadsticks?
Rafa: I see a FUTURE with you.
Nando: You know, if you’re watching your carbs these sticks are murder!
Rafa: I have a 5-year plan that I’d like to share with you.
Nando: Oh yeah? (Reaching for the butter)
Rafa: I’m the in the process of marrying a Hungarian Woman in order to get European working papers. I want to live in Europe. Would you ever consider living there?
Nando: Me, yeah, of course.
Rafa: I’m so glad you said that because I found you a similar Hungarian girl.

As I shoved breadsticks in my mouth, I began to picture a hefty woman with bleached- blond hair, red lipstick, wearing tight rose-colored spandex. It’s sad to say, but she’d actually fit in with my family.

My heart was pounding, and not because of what he was saying but because the main dish arrived…and I still hadn’t told him. Hey, it’s been a while since I had swordfish–so I decided to enjoy it. “He’s not the one,” I thought, even though we have common denominators–he’s from Texas like me, we’re both Mexican, we both loved Paris and wanted to live there. How do I explain that I want to remain friends but that’s all? How will he take it? I mean, we only met last week, surely there’s not a HUGE attachment. I decided to break-up with him after the main course.

As we began to eat, I started to sabotage the evening. I answered a few text
messages on my phone while he was talking. I answered a call–it was a bill collector, and pretended it was my sister, which really freaked the collections guy out. Yeah, I was being an ass. But I honestly didn’t know what to do. How do u tell someone they’re not “the one” without hurting them? I was truly uncomfortable.

I began to sweat, not from the siutation, but from the heat lamps above us. After my delicious meal, and by the way–I recommend the Sword Fish bathed in black lentils with the side spinach dish at EAST OF 8th in Chelsea–it began to rain. As we walked out I thought, “How romantic…gentle rain falling in New York City while on a date.” If only I really liked this guy. Since neither one of us had umbrellas we both got soaked by the time we made it to the train. I thanked him for dinner and said good- bye. He moved in closer, but I gave him a hug instead. When I arrived home, I received a text from him and this was our exchange.

Rafa: U are confusing me.
Nando: What do u mean?
Rafa: You’re hot one minute and cold the next.
Nando: ?
Rafa: Can we chat online?

Instead of hiding behind the computer, I figured I hid all throughout dinner; I decided to be a man and called him instead.

Nando: Rafa, I want to be friends with you. I really do, but that’s it. I enjoy your company and have a good time, but I don’t have romatic feelings towards you.

He went cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

Rafa: How dare you lead me on! You were the one who was aggressive with me. You wanted to date me, you wanted to be involved with me! We even did a boat ride through Central park last Saturday, AND YOU HELD MY HAND AFTERWARDS!
Nando: Well, I was testing the waters.
Rafa: You were the one who insisted on me coming over the next day to cuddled. You played with my emotions.
Nando: uhm…..well….we’ve only seen each other 3 times……
Rafa: We’ve seen eachother 5 times, YOU IDIOT!
Nando: Really?
Rafa: I even massaged your head at the movies because you asked me too!
Nando: Oh…
Rafa: I can’t believe you played me! You’re just like everyone else in NYC! A player. I shared my 5-year plan with you! I got you a Hungarian…do you know how hard they are to find?
Nando: Not really.
Rafa: I don’t want to be your friend. You expect me to be your friend after you reject me as your LOVER?
Nando: So, you don’t think it can work?
Rafa: Bye!

The moral of the story:

a. Don’t date your own kind.
b. A head massage now, will end up a bad thing later.
c. The worst place to break up is a Asian-tranny-fusion eatery in Manhattan.


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