Nando & The Step Ladder: A “Stealing From the Dead” Tale

1/29/07

Sometimes I sit on a milk crate in my Brooklyn apartment looking out the window staring at the cars passing by. It's calming, it's relaxing, it all ends when one of them runs an animal over like a steamroller. Yesterday I was sitting by the window enjoying 2 teenagers mug an old lady on Ave M, when I heard noises coming from the hallway. I peer out the peep hole to see if its the crazy Russian lady in apt 3f who often runs out into the hallways with her butcher knife chasing the evil spirits away. I tell you, nothing scares a Jehovah's Witness faster than Mrs. 3f.

But to my surprise, it was Safaden, the building super....if you can call him that.... Safaden is from a foreign country where they speak with thick and loud accents, misuse English words, and spit right in front of you. Actually, I just described my last 3 boyfriends.....but I digress. 

Safaden: What?!! You look, you help!

Nando: What are you doing in 3c?

Safaden:Lady died, now I have job of taking her shits out.

Nando: How did she die?

Safaden: What I look like....Morgue person? How I know?

Nando:So where are you taking her stuff?

Safaden: Good stuff, to my apartment, it's my anniversary next week. Bad stuff, I put in dumpster. 

I never knew the lady in 3c. My heart sank, my pulse started to race, my eyes......followed Safaden as he took out a chair that would look PERFECT in my living room! While he raced to take "shits" to his apartment, I barged....I mean .....walked into 3c for a little shopping spree. Ugh....the filth, the un-kept rooms, the dirty bathroom....it actually looked like my roommate's half of the apartment.....except 3c didn't have beer bottles in her shower. Yeah! Explain that one?? 

Nando: (yelling at the top of my lungs!) WHY ARE THERE BEER BOTTLES IN THE SHOWER?

Rameez: calm down, I was getting ready for a date and I was drinking.

Nando: WHILE SHOWERING???!!!

Rameez: Uhhh, YEAH! God, you act as if I did something wrong!

Nando: Okay, let me get this straight.....you can't remember to take the trash out, pick up your dirty under wear off the floor, or properly wash a dish, but you can multi-task in the shower???!!!

Rameez: I might as well be living with my mother. 

So as I am going through 3c's stuff, I see numerous step ladders which remind me of the June edition of the magazine "Real Simple"....where they featured using old step ladders and revamping them into shelves with nice potted plants and old books. This place was a gold mine! I had to justify taking the stuff by thinking that since I never met her, she must have never gone out much and must have been a mean old lady that no one really liked, so her life had no meaning. Now that her possessions where being put to good use, her life would have purpose after all, and I was helping her get into heaven. 

Safaden: (returning from his apartment) HEY! Where is step ladder? Wife said some crap about needing ladder for stupid potted plant.

Nando: (running into my apartment) Safaden, I don't know what you are taking about? Bye. 

I come into my apartment and begin a self imposed "trading spaces" episode. Ah...the options are endless. There are lamps, chairs, ladders, racks, rugs.....It's like a garage sale dream come true. I can't wait for Rameez to come home and surprise him with the new LOOK of the apartment...very bohemian, very Moulin Rouge......very stolen. 

Rameez: (walking into apartment) Oh VOW! (he can't pronounce the "W" sound. It's a Pakistani thing...don't judge.

Nando:(with a secret grin) You like???!!

Rameez:VOW Nando, this is really great, but why do we have 4 step ladders?

Nando: Just go with it.....look...we have a chair now!

Rameez:When did you go shopping?

Nando:Well see, that's the great news....I didn't. The lady in 3c died, and this is all her stuff!! Cool hu?

Rameez: TAKE IT OUT!

Nando:What?

Rameez: We can't have dead stuff in here Nando. I won't be able to sleep at night. Take it out.

Nando:Stop being a baby...there is noting wrong with having it here...it's a rule, when people die you take their stuff.

Rameez: Do all Mexicans do that?

Nando:It's not a Mexican thing STUPID.....it's a New York thing. Now, look at the potted plant. See how I placed it on the ladder so the sun hits it directly? 

Needless to say, I got rid of a few things cause I think I over did it. But I did keep the chair and I now use it to not only look out the window, but sit and enjoy living. Thank you 3c. 

The Moral of the story:

a. If the super were gay I'd be in love?

b. Even after death, you can help someone have purpose.

c. It's time to renew my subscription to Real Simple.