If you and your partner have questioned whether or not you should be in an open relationship — I have a few things for you to consider. Humans were made for relationships as they get us to explore who we are and what we want out of life at any given moment in time. But what are the relationship goals you should strive for in order to make the relationship work, any relationship? The answer to that varies as each relationship looks and functions according to the people involved — meaning, you can create your relationship to look any way you want as long as both parties (or how ever many are involved) are in agreement. But before you go jumping on the open relationship wagon, here are 3 things to keep in mind.
A life coach is not a therapist — and there is nothing wrong with therapy — but a life coach is someone dedicated to you and your goals. They are someone compassionate enough to understand what you’re going through but are also able to give you some tough love and kick you in the ass when you’re not doing what you said you’d do. A life coach holds you accountable for the goals you set because they want to make sure you’re getting the best out of life–your life.
We were running late for an event my husband was invited to. We had to be there by 7pm and I was growing angrier by the second because the New York subway system is never predictable and you have to incorporate some leeway time. I hate being late. I have a story in my mind that people will think I’m not responsible and that I’m a low down dirty scoundrel so I make it a point to arrive 15 minutes early to anything I’ve committed too.
Becky with the good hair came on everyone’s radar this past Saturday with speculations and fingers quickly pointed at Rachel Roy and by Monday a few more fingers were directed towards Rita Ora and I’m confident that in a few more days, other women will be identified as good-haired Becky. But one person that requires no speculation on in this entire affair is Jay-Z. If we are to believe that an entire album was created because of his infidelity, then why didn’t the BeyHive go after him, was it because if it were not for him, we wouldn’t have Lemonade quenching our thirst? The angle of focus is all wrong, we have zeroed in on the wrong person, the wrong act, and the wrong message. It’s not about infidelity, but what you decide do with the relationship after it occurs.
Everyone must do what’s right for their own sake and their own relationship, I stand strongly on that platform and would not judge someone on what they decide to do with their bond should one of the parties knowingly break it. I had been in a relationship for two years when I walked in on him having sex with another person in our apartment. I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t process what was going on as I saw my then boyfriend nude trying to cover up and the other guy jumping up out of bed grabbing and reaching around for his pants that were lying on the same carpet that I had vacuumed one day before. I was out of breathe and I heard one of them say, call 9-11. It got that bad. But I snapped out of it when I saw the guy flash before me running out of the apartment while turning to me to say, “Please don’t tell my boyfriend,” as he slammed the door shut. Did I forget to mention, the guy in my boyfriend’s bed was part of a couple we knew and went on vacations with a few weeks before?
For me there was no column A or column B decision to be made, I packed as many of my things as I possibly could and walked out. I left the apartment, I left the relationship and I left the lie I was living at the time. Since then, several years have passed and I’m married now, to a man that personifies generosity, kindness and hope. The fact that he has these qualities breathes new meaning and value into my life. We’ve been together for six years and I can’t see my life without him. I see us continuing to experience new things together, quarreling over who’s doing the dishes this weekend and looking forward to growing old together. This relationship has been hard. It’s been tested. It’s been both beautiful and rough—and we have some tough times ahead of us, but I’ve had to take the meaning of what a relationship once meant to me “people cheat,” “people can’t be trusted,” “you will get your heart broken,” and grow out of those ideas because I chose love.
Beyoncé chose love. She just chose love with the same man who crushed her heart into tiny little pieces, the same someone the BeyHive has decided to leave alone and maybe they should since his own wife chose the path of forgiveness. It’s a move that says, “Okay, let’s get back on track.” They’ve built an empire together. They have a child together. They have history. It’s Beyoncé and Jay-Z, but they are also human and have feelings. I sometimes think we only see celebrities as walking stars with no real issues — but if Lemonade tells us anything, it’s that she goes through the same things we all go through wether it’s cutting his face out of pictures as well as scratching his face out—except she gets to do it in Givenchy. It’s only now we begin to understand why Solange went cray-cray in the elevator. We all need a Solange in our lives. I’m lucky that I had four in mine and I ran to them in my time of heartbreak.
Beyoncé is staying. It’s not because of money, it’s not because of status and it’s not because of any other reason but that she chose the option to love, for now. We should respect that and see that as a thing of hope. I had to leave that relationship because there was no winning for us. Now that I’m married, I’m not sure what I’d do if my husband were to cheat on me. I hope to never find out. We have history together and respect one another enough that when the world gives us sour grapes, we will juice them. In Beyoncé’s case, while turning lemons to lemonade, she also turned grief into hope and heartache into love. And as far Becky is concerned (whomever she may be), let’s leave her alone, she’s too busy getting her hair did.
It was one year ago today that German and I slushed our way through the snow and said “I do” in front of an impatient city hall worker in New York City and got married. Our official witness was one of my best friends, Charlene but also present were her then boyfriend and our Russian immigrant photographer Vlad who would constantly spit out phrases like “Put heads together like so” while bringing his hands together in a clapping motion. It was romantic, it was intimate, it was rushed as there were 200 other couples waiting to be married after us. Our officiant, after telling us we could now seal our marriage with a kiss, yelled “Next!” and we rode off into the sunset…or in our case, took a flight to Miami Beach and said goodbye to the snow.
This year won’t be any different — we leave for Miami tomorrow, except it is different, we’re an old married couple now, with a baby, our little Leona. She’s our 1 year old shih tzu puppy who’s taken over our lives (if our instagram and Facebook accounts are any proof). She’s already been to Texas and Iowa and now it’s beach time and we’re super excited. But we like to think we’re a modern married gay couple living in Brooklyn New York. We Snapchat to communicate important messages to one another like, “Don’t forget the Nair tonight!”
And while German was Nairing my back last night, I couldn’t help to think how our lives have changed in just one year. It’s easy to get caught up in every day crap and the stress of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” so I’ve developed a calming device for myself and it’s speaking to myself as my older-wiser-self. I’m sure there’s a study somewhere cautioning this as an early cause of a personalty split, but for now it works. I talk to myself from “the future” in order to not stress out and put things into perspective. Let’s say I have a presentation to give and I’m freaking out about it. I talk myself down from the edge and pretend it’s a week later and say something like, “That presentation was so sexy hot, I’m thinking of changing careers…thanks Nando! And who does your hair?” Or if I have to give an update on a project I’m working on and I haven’t received all the content I need to show much progress, the conversation in my head goes something like, “Wow, you’ve really taken being the lead on this project to the next level Nando. I’m so glad we hired you! Best decision ever! And who does your hair?”
I figured I could use this device in the positive and it got me excited to think about the future with German and our 10-year wedding anniversary. Here are the things I’ll be discussing with him as he Nairs my back on that trip. (And by now you’re probably wondering just how hairy is my back — well, let’s just say, it’s a Zach Galifianakis situation…don’t judge)
Do you remember our wedding day? No it wasn’t raining, it was snowing, read the blog!
Geesh, can you warm up the Nair in your hands a little more?
I can’t wait to hit the beach and nap. Do you think they’ll bring us Jell-O?
Did you buy the extra metamucil packets?
Joe’s Stone Crab is only a few hours away.
Yes, clip your toenails before we leave.
I don’t know, who am I? A weather man?
Oh yeah, take the blue one — you look extra sexy in that one!
Should I take the red one? You know, the red one? The red one? THE RED ONE? Forget it.
Leona on our 1st wedding anniversary…remember how she peed in the pool?
I love you.
THE RED ONE!
We saw Frozen on our honeymoon in Miami.
Wanna do that spa thing we did with the torture chamber water thing that goes across your back that we did? Did you like that? It was weird…but in a good way, right?
Damn it, you always miss a spot! I’m walking around the beach with Donald Trump’s head sticking out of my back.
Should we try going somewhere different next year for our anniversary? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Our first date? Yeah, of course I remember it. I called you Santiago when I wrote about you because I wanted to protect your identity.
Don’t forget you have 3 photography sessions when we return and I have a consultation with Shonda Rhimes on the show she wants to do on my life called “Nando.”