I posted something on Facebook and a close friend of mine replied and it grabbed my attention because her response was hilarious but very telling of what she was going through. Gifs are powerful, especially hers because it had a little duck being dragged around by a merry-go-round with his feathers being disbursed throughout the scene. Think DUCK EXPLOSION! I texted her and was on a call with her an hour later–there were deep issues happening with her and her husband. (Been there, done that)
Instantly improve your relationship by improving your listening skills
If you were to stop 10 couples on the street…anywhere, the response would be the same, “My partner doesn’t listen to me!” And they’re not referring to taking out the garbage or some other chore around the house (I mean, that too, but)–they are referring to active listening skills.
If you’re a straight woman and your husband is always checking out gay guys, and it bothers you–you might have a problem on your hands. But first, let’s lay down some foundation before we all jump to conclusions. Because of rigid defined stereotypes of what masculinity is and what it should look like, men are lumped into a space where complimenting another man on clothes, style or looks is out of the norm. The first thought is, “He must be gay.” But the reality is with the huge metrosexual craze finally dying down and the lumbersexual phase being ushered out, maybe we’ve gotten to a point where it’s okay to check guys out? We know that sexuality is fluid and not 100% one way or the other.
You can take this advice and apply it to your spouse, friends, or colleagues. It will work in any situation but there is a level of wanting to work it through on your behalf in order for this to work. If you’re looking for ways to play victim or point all fingers at them — this is not for you. This is for real people seeking real solutions on dealing with your anger and your spouse/husband.
1. Have compassion and realize that they are probably kicking themselves for the exact same reason you’re mad. It might not come as natural to remember certain likes or several of your dislikes. Or it might be that they are careless with money and are truly trying hard to budget. Realize that if there is an area they are struggling with, they may be afraid or insecure to ask for help since you slip into anger mode so easily. Don’t excuse their behavior but try a little compassion–it will go a long way. Besides, don’t you want the same in return? You’re not perfect. Ouch!
2. Take a step back and ask, is this really the issue? Many times we lash out in situations and we’ve been bubbling with anger or resentment for days, weeks, even years. Get to the bottom of things. Are the dishes in the sink really the issue or is it that you feel disrespected because you’ve explained how this is bothersome and you still encounter a cup and dirty spoon once or twice a month? Uncovering the root will help with resolution–but it takes some self examination and self awareness, you can do it. You’d want them to also do this instead of going all Tyra Banks on you for eating the last Nestle ice cream crunch bar.
3. Realize there is a price of admission in relationships. In the real world, there is no perfect person and there is no “settling down” without “settling for.” Come to realize that you both have flaws and deal with them. Is he the sweetest, caring, and loving person who just happens to leave his shoes all over the apartment? Deal with it. Is he always there for you when you need someone and has your back no matter what, yet leaves dishes in the sink? Oh well. (Notice I’ve thrown in dishes in the sink twice? Sorry, babe) In the real world of relationships there is no fairy tale ending, just the one where two people put in work to make it another day. Some days are fun and amazing while others may be dreadful and full of yucky stuff. You just have to decide what’s the price of admission in your relationship and the sooner you do, the faster you can get on with your fun times.
You are the designer of your own catastrophe — especially when it comes to love. You have reasons why you can’t find “the one” or you’re just too busy or ain’t nobody got time for dat! Those aren’t reasons, those are excuses.
When we use excuses to rationalize our failures, especially when dating, it really is a reflection of you and your flaws. And guess what? Everyone has flaws. You’re not alone. But here’s the difference, they are willing to still put themselves in a vulnerable place.
Can you say the same?
If you look around, no one is in a perfect relationship, they don’t exist. What does exist though? The possibility of finding and creating a relationship that brings joy, love, and vulnerability into your life. Yes, vulnerability. I know what you’re thinking, “But that makes me a target for getting hurt!” Guess what? You’re already hurting. You’re just doing it alone.
What thoughts are keeping you from truly finding joy when it comes to dating?
He’s not moving fast enough? Who made you the pace keeper?
She’s not the total package? Have you seen the wrapping paper you come in?
I need someone who understands me 100%. Mind readers are at the circus find one, pay them $.25, and keep it moving.
Or are your designs more destructive because they highlight what’s wrong with you?
Have you been designing a
10-year sculpture of “I’m not good enough”
An oil canvas of “I’m really not worthy” that’s almost done
Maybe an intricate installment made of self-hate pieces with specs of shame
Would you be proud to display them? Because you already are. Check your last 10 Facebook status updates. They tell more about you than you ever thought.
If the current life design is not working in your life — start a new one.
Change mediums, change formats, throw away your old tools and start fresh–the old stuff (the past) is contaminated.
Identify + write down 5 of your best qualities and splash, stroke, weave, bend, glue, weld–start a new beautiful design you’re proud to have on display.
The universe and love is waiting with anticipation.