Relationship goals vary from couple to couple but one thing every grouping shares is that they want their relationship to work. Some people want their relationship goal to be drama free, while others would like more adventure. Yet, if I were to ask you if you’ve discussed these “relationship goals” with your partner in detail…many of you would look me straight in the eye and say, “Are you crazy?” Why would I discuss that with them?
Instantly improve your relationship by improving your listening skills
If you were to stop 10 couples on the street…anywhere, the response would be the same, “My partner doesn’t listen to me!” And they’re not referring to taking out the garbage or some other chore around the house (I mean, that too, but)–they are referring to active listening skills.
The couple’s smell challenge or the couple’s smell test is a great opportunity to have a little fun with your partner. Whether it’s date night, game night, or any night — if you’re looking for something to mix things up a bit — the couple’s smell challenge is a must-do! Beyond doing the challenge, there’s the meaning behind it that counts. You’re spending quality time with the person you love and it’s a great way to introduce a little fun if things have gotten a little stale in the fun department.
You can take this advice and apply it to your spouse, friends, or colleagues. It will work in any situation but there is a level of wanting to work it through on your behalf in order for this to work. If you’re looking for ways to play victim or point all fingers at them — this is not for you. This is for real people seeking real solutions on dealing with your anger and your spouse/husband.
1. Have compassion and realize that they are probably kicking themselves for the exact same reason you’re mad. It might not come as natural to remember certain likes or several of your dislikes. Or it might be that they are careless with money and are truly trying hard to budget. Realize that if there is an area they are struggling with, they may be afraid or insecure to ask for help since you slip into anger mode so easily. Don’t excuse their behavior but try a little compassion–it will go a long way. Besides, don’t you want the same in return? You’re not perfect. Ouch!
2. Take a step back and ask, is this really the issue? Many times we lash out in situations and we’ve been bubbling with anger or resentment for days, weeks, even years. Get to the bottom of things. Are the dishes in the sink really the issue or is it that you feel disrespected because you’ve explained how this is bothersome and you still encounter a cup and dirty spoon once or twice a month? Uncovering the root will help with resolution–but it takes some self examination and self awareness, you can do it. You’d want them to also do this instead of going all Tyra Banks on you for eating the last Nestle ice cream crunch bar.
3. Realize there is a price of admission in relationships. In the real world, there is no perfect person and there is no “settling down” without “settling for.” Come to realize that you both have flaws and deal with them. Is he the sweetest, caring, and loving person who just happens to leave his shoes all over the apartment? Deal with it. Is he always there for you when you need someone and has your back no matter what, yet leaves dishes in the sink? Oh well. (Notice I’ve thrown in dishes in the sink twice? Sorry, babe) In the real world of relationships there is no fairy tale ending, just the one where two people put in work to make it another day. Some days are fun and amazing while others may be dreadful and full of yucky stuff. You just have to decide what’s the price of admission in your relationship and the sooner you do, the faster you can get on with your fun times.
Becky with the good hair came on everyone’s radar this past Saturday with speculations and fingers quickly pointed at Rachel Roy and by Monday a few more fingers were directed towards Rita Ora and I’m confident that in a few more days, other women will be identified as good-haired Becky. But one person that requires no speculation on in this entire affair is Jay-Z. If we are to believe that an entire album was created because of his infidelity, then why didn’t the BeyHive go after him, was it because if it were not for him, we wouldn’t have Lemonade quenching our thirst? The angle of focus is all wrong, we have zeroed in on the wrong person, the wrong act, and the wrong message. It’s not about infidelity, but what you decide do with the relationship after it occurs.
Everyone must do what’s right for their own sake and their own relationship, I stand strongly on that platform and would not judge someone on what they decide to do with their bond should one of the parties knowingly break it. I had been in a relationship for two years when I walked in on him having sex with another person in our apartment. I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t process what was going on as I saw my then boyfriend nude trying to cover up and the other guy jumping up out of bed grabbing and reaching around for his pants that were lying on the same carpet that I had vacuumed one day before. I was out of breathe and I heard one of them say, call 9-11. It got that bad. But I snapped out of it when I saw the guy flash before me running out of the apartment while turning to me to say, “Please don’t tell my boyfriend,” as he slammed the door shut. Did I forget to mention, the guy in my boyfriend’s bed was part of a couple we knew and went on vacations with a few weeks before?
For me there was no column A or column B decision to be made, I packed as many of my things as I possibly could and walked out. I left the apartment, I left the relationship and I left the lie I was living at the time. Since then, several years have passed and I’m married now, to a man that personifies generosity, kindness and hope. The fact that he has these qualities breathes new meaning and value into my life. We’ve been together for six years and I can’t see my life without him. I see us continuing to experience new things together, quarreling over who’s doing the dishes this weekend and looking forward to growing old together. This relationship has been hard. It’s been tested. It’s been both beautiful and rough—and we have some tough times ahead of us, but I’ve had to take the meaning of what a relationship once meant to me “people cheat,” “people can’t be trusted,” “you will get your heart broken,” and grow out of those ideas because I chose love.
Beyoncé chose love. She just chose love with the same man who crushed her heart into tiny little pieces, the same someone the BeyHive has decided to leave alone and maybe they should since his own wife chose the path of forgiveness. It’s a move that says, “Okay, let’s get back on track.” They’ve built an empire together. They have a child together. They have history. It’s Beyoncé and Jay-Z, but they are also human and have feelings. I sometimes think we only see celebrities as walking stars with no real issues — but if Lemonade tells us anything, it’s that she goes through the same things we all go through wether it’s cutting his face out of pictures as well as scratching his face out—except she gets to do it in Givenchy. It’s only now we begin to understand why Solange went cray-cray in the elevator. We all need a Solange in our lives. I’m lucky that I had four in mine and I ran to them in my time of heartbreak.
Beyoncé is staying. It’s not because of money, it’s not because of status and it’s not because of any other reason but that she chose the option to love, for now. We should respect that and see that as a thing of hope. I had to leave that relationship because there was no winning for us. Now that I’m married, I’m not sure what I’d do if my husband were to cheat on me. I hope to never find out. We have history together and respect one another enough that when the world gives us sour grapes, we will juice them. In Beyoncé’s case, while turning lemons to lemonade, she also turned grief into hope and heartache into love. And as far Becky is concerned (whomever she may be), let’s leave her alone, she’s too busy getting her hair did.