When Your Boyfriend Won’t Hug You

It’s a Friday morning and I woke up in the usual manner–checking to see how many Twitter followers I had lost (I know, I’m a sad, sad Mexican). Then my boyfriend’s alarm went off–and why he chooses barking dogs as his alarm is beyond me–so  I nudged him to wake up and shut his iPhone off. As he stumbled out of bed and headed to the bathroom, I continued my Twitter escapades. He entered the room, still groggy and slow-poked his way to get dressed. It was quiet, I looked up from my iPhone and closed my tweet deck app; he was standing in front of me–he looked really handsome. He leaned in for a kiss and said goodbye, and I extended my arms to hug him and when he saw my scrawny arms coming towards him…he jerked back. He rejected my hug and left me wondering, “Why won’t my boyfriend hug me?”

Nando: I wanted a hug. Why won’t you hug me?

Boyfriend: mumble mumble mumble (something in Spanish and then a word or two in English)

And there you have it. The life of a Mexican Gay couple living in Brooklyn. I have no idea why he’s upset and why he didn’t embrace my hug–no pun intended. And before I began the montage of “woe-is-me” with a Celine Dion song playing in my mind, I had three choices.

  1. Sulk and get angry
  2. Burn his *ish
  3. Be an adult, talk about it with him and not take things so serious


The reality is:

I could imagine all types of scenarios but the the best thing to do is not take it too serious or make a big deal over it. If it continues to be a pattern, then there will be cause for concern. There’s a major misconception when you enter a relationship and it’s that both parties will feel equal amounts of affection at all times towards one another and that’s not the case. Everyone has varying types of what I call the “love cocktail” stirring in them depending on what stage the relationship is in. In the early phase, you’ll be creating so much oxytocin and serotonin that you can’t help keeping wanting to hold hands, touch, kiss, etc. The “love cocktail” is being produced in large quantities at a quick rate. But as time goes on and you enter 6 months as a couple, the production of serotonin and oxytocin begins to level off, resulting in wanting to hold hands, touch a little less.

People have different levels of sexual touch and we have to accept that as a reality but it doesn’t mean they don’t want to be around you. But you do need to ask yourself if you wan to be with a person who is now being less physical. Is this the only area of the relationship that’s unsatisfying? Is there stress at work they are dealing with? Money issues? Family problems? All these issues can create an obstacle in physical intimacy in a relationship.




What to do?

Ask yourself which of the 5 love languages the two of you are expressing? People express love in 5 ways according to Gary Chapman and his book explains what they are which clarifies several misconceptions that everyone expresses love in the same language. This book is a must have regardless if you checked off the married, single or “it’s complicated” status on Facebook.

Anything else?

I’m not a doctor and I’m not giving out medical advice, but consider increasing your own serotonin by taking a supplement called 5htp that I myself take daily. It’s over the counter and helps with the creation of serotonin. For me, it levels me off so the next time I comes across the, “My boyfriend” won’t hug me,” situation–it won’t be the end of the world.

As a dating, relationship and sex blogger–I’d like to know if this has ever happened to you and how you handled it. How did it make you feel? Did you cancel Enchilada Friday too? Has your Boyfriend ever rejected your hugs, kisses, or bad breath? Leave a comment–and tell me, what should I do. Don’t forget to answer the poll.


Update: It’s October 2016 and the BF I wrote about in the blog is now my husband and we’ve been married for the last 6 years. I still take the serotonin booster 5htp, but want to know something? The “he won’t hug me” wasn’t such a big deal anyway. Now the issues has become, “Please stop putting dishes in the sink!” Keep that in mind when your boyfriend won’t hug you — it’ll pass.

If you’re looking for coaching in your relationship or aren’t having any luck in your dating life — I currently have time for 3 additional clients. Contact me and let’s discuss the possibility of working together. Schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation today!


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8 thoughts on “When Your Boyfriend Won’t Hug You

  • August 6, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Breathe and let it go. I wouldn’t get too stressed. He clearly just got out of the wrong side of bed. If he continues to be weird about other things, or does it again in the near future then I would stress. Otherwise, just chill. Don’t sweat it just yet.

    He was probably just in a moody head space…
    .-= Twanji Kalula´s last blog ..Dot Com =-.

  • August 6, 2010 at 10:31 am

    I agree with Twanji Kalula, I would try not to worry your pretty little head about it 🙂 I say this because I get in those moods too, where I pull away. No reason, just the mood. And it pissed off my ex that I couldn’t explain why, but I just wanted him to leave me alone for a bit until I got back into sorts. Nothing he did, it’s just me.

    Basically, sometimes I act like a bitchy cat, and the claws come out for no apparent reason. But then I’m normal again soon and want to snuggle!
    .-= Man-shopper´s last blog ..Mr Metro Accoster =-.

  • August 6, 2010 at 10:53 am

    Nando – let it go!! He just wasn’t feeling it today, hug him later. You should be happy that he’s not just going thru the motions when he’s not feeling it.

  • March 9, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    Sometimes in the morning my hubby is so sleepy and beyond anything human he’s just trying to get enough energy to get out the door. He’s in the no hug zone.

  • April 12, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    this has happened t me before! I was at a rehearsal, and my friend told me he wanted a hug, so i walk over, stand there, and wait for him to make the move, then he suddenly pulled away an said “NO! NO!”

      • April 14, 2011 at 5:19 am

        Well–it got better.
        Thanks for the comment — you just rocked my world!


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