So after a few disappointing episodes with men, I decide to hop right back on the saddle of life,yes people, I decide to go out on another date. And I did it with style and class….I went the Demi Moore route and picked a young one. Hey….don’t judge. Well, not yet anyway….
In order to protect the young, we will refer to him as Naim. That’s his actual name, I couldn’t come up with a fake one so quickly. Picture a tall masculine yet boyish 20 year old Albanian in the prime of his youth. (Just on a side note, I said Albanian, not Albino) He’s got it all, energy, pep, a fresh perspective on life, BIG HANDS and even BIGGER FEET!!! Now mind you, many of you reading this are out of your 20’s and may be in need a refresher course in “20ism.” When you are 20, you will communicate with only the essential bare facts. Something I forgot until I met Naim on Saturday.
Nando: So Naim, what have you been doing all day?
Nando: I see, well, what kind of things would you like do to tonight?
Naim: I don’t care……
Nando: Would you be interested in dining at a Vietnamese restaurant this evening?
Naim: (making a face as if his teeth were being pulled out)…….no
Off to a great start, I decided that we’d attend a picture show, yes the all American first date staple. We will have a chance to collect our thoughts during the previews and enjoy an intellectual flick that will surely give us hours of discussion time after wards. This is the perfect solution since Naim seemed to be a little shy on the conversation exchange.
“What to watch, what to watch?” I thought to myself. We will need the perfect 1st date movie. I got it! We will attend the show, Running With Scissors , which is an adaptation of Augusten Burroughs true life. This guy has lead such a bizarre childhood, having an alcoholic father and a crazy deranged mother who eventually gives up custody of Augusten to her therapist who is fruitier than a bowl of avocados and cherries. This movie would keep us talking for days! It has drama, comedy, suspense, tears, laughter……PERFECT!
Nando: “Naim, there is a movie I would like to see and it it packed with drama, comedy, suspense, tears, laughter……it’s PERFECT! Would you like to see it?”
Naim: “………..I don’t care……………..”
We get to the theater and as we walk up to the movie board, Naim gets excited! I see energy, I see happiness oozing through his 20 year old body. I thought to myself, he must have caught a glace at the Running With Scissors movie poster and he realizes what a great time is in store!! Ah, finally…..someone who understands my complex, yet simple way of thinking!!!
As I walk up to the ticket machine to select our tickets, Naim runs up to me and says,”Can we go to SAW III instead? It’s really cool! I think in this one, they slice someones skull open and take stuff out!!” I tried to regain my composure, not to mention to bring my mouth back to its original state, since it dropped wide open with such a request. I quickly played a flash back on all my dating/relationship adventures throughout my life time and concluded that I had always taken charge in the decision making process such as: restaurants, movies, flavored lube. I decided to throw caution to the wind and said, “Sure! Why not ? Let’s watch SAW III.”
Let me tell you WHY NOT!!! It was a nasty, gross, and a painfully unscripted movie. And yes, for those of you with inquiring minds, they did “slice someones skull open and take stuff out!” But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Before entering the movie theater, we stopped off at the concession stand. I personally believe that observing a person’s choice at a concession stand, tells you a lot about that person. For example, Shaquanda, the ghetto girl standing in front of us in line, bought 2 hots dogs, nachos, a cherry icee, a musketeer’s bar, and asked for extra butter on her popcorn. It’s obvious this girl is going to fight the battle with Bloomberg when they decide to take away trans-fat oils in the city.
I selected a bottle of water for my movie viewing pleasure and Naim purchased
two of the biggest bags of peanut M&M’s I have ever seen. He completed his transaction with a super large Mountain Dew fountain drink. To this day, I believe that soda could have relieved the thirst of 2 small villages in a third world country. I had the pleasure of holding his bags of M&M’s as it was required for him to use both hands while carrying his soda. We are now inside the theater and are looking around for seats and I exclaim, “I am fine where ever we sit, so I will let you lead the way!” Without saying a word to me, he begins to run across the theater with his HUGE soda to a certain section where I guess he spotted 2 seats that were in his viewing capacity. But he didn’t say a word to me, not, “Nando, over here” or “Follow me, I see some seats.” He just ran to the seats like a child who just noticed a gummy worm lying across the room.
The movie about the cruel, intricate games that have terrified a community and baffled police started. I looked over toNaim and he’s excited…and as the first head explodes open, he reaches for my hand. “Ah….maybe this was not such a bad choice after all!!” I think.
I begin to understand the fascination with this movie and as I’m watching a police detective beg for her life as she is hanging from a torture device that is connected through her ribs and causing her pain as she breathes, something gets lodged in my throat. I look around and think….”what the …..?” But for some strange bizarre reason, what ever was in my mouth was shrinking and it tasted like milk chocolate. I’m hacking….coughing…..coughing…..hacking, when finally I maneuvered my tongue to grab the foreign object. I bite into it, and it’s a peanut from Naim’s M&M bag. I almost died due to an M&M mysteriously entering my esophageal area.
Naim: Nando, are you okay? I thought you would enjoy some candy so I was being romantic and fed you 2 M&M’s.
Nando: Don’t EVER do that again!
Naim: I am sorry. Are you mad at me?
Then I thought……Oh LORD….where did the 2nd M&M go? To this day, I have no idea where the 2nd M&M went.
We left the move and said good-bye. He asked to see me again because he enjoyed my company. I accepted. We will be ice-skating the next time……”help!”
a. Demi Moore is onto something
b. Romance is in the eye of the M&M holder.
c. Dating can kill.