One Question: One Person

If you had the opportunity to ask someone from your past one questions–who would it be and what would you ask? So many times in life we get caught up in the “I need closure” mentality and fail to move forward because we don’t understand someone’s actions or behaviors. I have run into several people who wonder, “Why did my ex really break up with me?” or “Did they ever cheat on me?” And my answer remains the same, no matter what your question is, “Who cares?” Harsh, but true. We can’t pump the breaks on life or put it on hold because of a lingering question that remains unanswered–the world continues to spin regardless if we get answers to all our questions–the important part is to keep moving, keep loving and keep connecting.

I was adopted 3 hours after my birth. I remember fantasizing about asking my biological mother why she gave me away. I finally got the opportunity, at age 17, and she gave me a “sugar-coated” answer that didn’t satisfy. And I was upset. And I was mad. And I was a hot mess. At that age, I realized that it didn’t matter why, it just matter that the action occurred and what I did with the opportunity. I never allowed “being adopted” play a handicap in my life. In fact, now, I kind of like it. I recently ran into my biological mother when I went to Texas in July, to visit my mom (some would call her my adopted mother, but that’s just doesn’t feel right to me). My mom asked me to invite my biological mother over for dinner and I did, and I was polite and I was engaging. And nothing she could have said at age 17 could have changed my direction in life (unless she updated me on a rich uncle that left me an inheritance!)

If someone breaks up with you — it would be amazing to get a real response that you could use to grow and become better at dating/relationships, but if you never get an answer, you have to move on. If you get fired, you may never know the real reason, but you can’t camp out at the HR office until you find out why. Life is a bitch that way. But it’s that damn human curious nature that gets us every time. But if a Gay, Adopted Mexican can get over it….so can you!

But in the spirit of having fun, here is a video of what I would ask….not that it would do any good.

Why Straight Men Suck: The Chemistry Check

Nothing gets me through life like a good 80s sitcom theme song. Think about it–they really got “life” back then and gave us front row seats in our own living room.

You take the good, you take the bad–you take them both and there you have the facts of life.

If that got you in the mood to listen to the actual theme song–take a ride here.
I love it. No truer words have ever been spoken–but I’d make a little tweak and say, “You take them both and there you have the “path” to life. Because, let’s face it, you have no choice but to “take it,” right? And how you react to the good or the bad shapes your character. (But that would never have rhymed and I doubt Mrs. Garret would have gone for it)

Fast forward to today: your life right now. How are you taking the good or the bad? Are you even aware of how you’re “taking it?” How about how you’re “giving it?”

A recent conversation I had with Liz, who is a triple-threat because she’s blond, beautiful and British, went like this.

Nando: How’s the dating life?
Liz: I put myself up on OK Cupid–which I’ve decided to call, OK Stupid.

Nando: What? Why?
Liz: The men I met there are unbelievable. If they aren’t lying about their height, age, weight–they’re total asses.

Nando: How?
Liz: I had a date set up with a guy last week. We were to meet up on Friday. Then on Thursday he calls to say he forgot he had an event to go to on Friday and would have to cancel. But he had a solution.

Nando: Oh God, it scares me when men think.
Liz: He asked if I’d please go outside my office because he was in the area at the moment so he could do a quick “chemistry check”.

Nando: What did you say?
Liz: I told him “No.” What was I going to do–stand out there like Teresa the Cow and let him inspect me as I wait to see if I won the blue ribbon of acceptance from him?
Nando: Girl, you know your MILKSHAKE brings all the boys to yard quicker than a groupon special at Tasti D-Lite! You did the right thing.

Men, I know you’ve had bad dates–we all have. I understand the agony of being stuck with someone for over 30 minutes of painful conversation where there were no sparks–but a “chemistry check” is even beneath your species. It tells me that:

1. You lack emotional intelligence
2. You have the inability to screen your potential dates before you meet them in person deeming you an idiot
3. Your “buyer’s market” mentality is askew

The wrap up:

Not all straight men suck–(I heart you Bradley Cooper) but these single jerks running around New York City sure are giving you all a bad name. And if you can’t follow Mrs. Garret’s advice; “take the good and take the bad” then take mine–“Suck it up, bitches!” You’re passing up on some hotties out there–like Liz, the triple-threat.

Nando & The Young One

So after a few disappointing episodes with men, I decide to hop right back on the saddle of life,yes people, I decide to go out on another date. And I did it with style and class….I went the Demi Moore route and picked a young one. Hey….don’t judge. Well, not yet anyway….

In order to protect the young, we will refer to him as Naim. That’s his actual name, I couldn’t come up with a fake one so quickly. Picture a tall masculine yet boyish 20 year old Albanian in the prime of his youth. (Just on a side note, I said Albanian, not Albino) He’s got it all, energy, pep, a fresh perspective on life, BIG HANDS and even BIGGER FEET!!! Now mind you, many of you reading this are out of your 20’s and may be in need a refresher course in “20ism.” When you are 20, you will communicate with only the essential bare facts. Something I forgot until I met Naim on Saturday.
Nando: So Naim, what have you been doing all day?
Naim: ……….nothing
Nando: I see, well, what kind of things would you like do to tonight?
Naim: I don’t care……
Nando: Would you be interested in dining at a Vietnamese restaurant this evening?
Naim: (making a face as if his teeth were being pulled out)…….no
Off to a great start, I decided that we’d attend a picture show, yes the all American first date staple. We will have a chance to collect our thoughts during the previews and enjoy an intellectual flick that will surely give us hours of discussion time after wards. This is the perfect solution since Naim seemed to be a little shy on the conversation exchange.
“What to watch, what to watch?” I thought to myself. We will need the perfect 1st date movie. I got it! We will attend the show, Running With Scissors , which is an adaptation of Augusten Burroughs true life. This guy has lead such a bizarre childhood, having an alcoholic father and a crazy deranged mother who eventually gives up custody of Augusten to her therapist who is fruitier than a bowl of avocados and cherries. This movie would keep us talking for days! It has drama, comedy, suspense, tears, laughter……PERFECT!
Nando: “Naim, there is a movie I would like to see and it it packed with drama, comedy, suspense, tears, laughter……it’s PERFECT! Would you like to see it?”
Naim: “………..I don’t care……………..”
We get to the theater and as we walk up to the movie board, Naim gets excited! I see energy, I see happiness oozing through his 20 year old body. I thought to myself, he must have caught a glace at the Running With Scissors movie poster and he realizes what a great time is in store!! Ah, finally…..someone who understands my complex, yet simple way of thinking!!!
As I walk up to the ticket machine to select our tickets, Naim runs up to me and says,”Can we go to SAW III instead? It’s really cool! I think in this one, they slice someones skull open and take stuff out!!” I tried to regain my composure, not to mention to bring my mouth back to its original state, since it dropped wide open with such a request. I quickly played a flash back on all my dating/relationship adventures throughout my life time and concluded that I had always taken charge in the decision making process such as: restaurants, movies, flavored lube. I decided to throw caution to the wind and said, “Sure! Why not ? Let’s watch SAW III.”
Let me tell you WHY NOT!!! It was a nasty, gross, and a painfully unscripted movie. And yes, for those of you with inquiring minds, they did “slice someones skull open and take stuff out!” But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Before entering the movie theater, we stopped off at the concession stand. I personally believe that observing a person’s choice at a concession stand, tells you a lot about that person. For example, Shaquanda, the ghetto girl standing in front of us in line, bought 2 hots dogs, nachos, a cherry icee, a musketeer’s bar, and asked for extra butter on her popcorn. It’s obvious this girl is going to fight the battle with Bloomberg when they decide to take away trans-fat oils in the city.
I selected a bottle of water for my movie viewing pleasure and Naim purchased
two of the biggest bags of peanut M&M’s I have ever seen. He completed his transaction with a super large Mountain Dew fountain drink. To this day, I believe that soda could have relieved the thirst of 2 small villages in a third world country. I had the pleasure of holding his bags of M&M’s as it was required for him to use both hands while carrying his soda. We are now inside the theater and are looking around for seats and I exclaim, “I am fine where ever we sit, so I will let you lead the way!” Without saying a word to me, he begins to run across the theater with his HUGE soda to a certain section where I guess he spotted 2 seats that were in his viewing capacity. But he didn’t say a word to me, not, “Nando, over here” or “Follow me, I see some seats.” He just ran to the seats like a child who just noticed a gummy worm lying across the room.
The movie about the cruel, intricate games that have terrified a community and baffled police started. I looked over toNaim and he’s excited…and as the first head explodes open, he reaches for my hand. “Ah….maybe this was not such a bad choice after all!!” I think.
I begin to understand the fascination with this movie and as I’m watching a police detective beg for her life as she is hanging from a torture device that is connected through her ribs and causing her pain as she breathes, something gets lodged in my throat. I look around and think….”what the …..?” But for some strange bizarre reason, what ever was in my mouth was shrinking and it tasted like milk chocolate. I’m hacking….coughing…..coughing…..hacking, when finally I maneuvered my tongue to grab the foreign object. I bite into it, and it’s a peanut from Naim’s M&M bag. I almost died due to an M&M mysteriously entering my esophageal area.

Naim: Nando, are you okay? I thought you would enjoy some candy so I was being romantic and fed you 2 M&M’s.

Nando: Don’t EVER do that again!
Naim: I am sorry. Are you mad at me?
Then I thought……Oh LORD….where did the 2nd M&M go? To this day, I have no idea where the 2nd M&M went.
We left the move and said good-bye. He asked to see me again because he enjoyed my company. I accepted. We will be ice-skating the next time……”help!”

Moral of the story?

a. Demi Moore is onto something
b. Romance is in the eye of the M&M holder.
c. Dating can kill.

The Break Up in 2007

Last night I went out with Rafael and it hit me–he’s just not my type and I had to tell him. And I decided to do it before the appetizers came, but then I chickened out. Instead, I looked around the predominantly gay restaurant, which explained why out waitress was a pre-op Asian-Tranny, and tried to get drunk instead.

After the appetizers, deliciously carved-out pumpkin cavities filled with cheese and something black and squishy, I decided it was time to let him down easy. I would just explain that I just “wasn’t that into him” and it had to be done before the main dish came out. But I didn’t.

The reason I didn’t bring it up was because he chimed in on how he liked me–as he waved his hands around in circular movements as if casting a magic spell like Endora on Bewitched.

Rafa: Nando, I know we haven’t been dating long, but I want to take this to the next level.
Nando: Have you tried the breadsticks?
Rafa: I see a FUTURE with you.
Nando: You know, if you’re watching your carbs these sticks are murder!
Rafa: I have a 5-year plan that I’d like to share with you.
Nando: Oh yeah? (Reaching for the butter)
Rafa: I’m the in the process of marrying a Hungarian Woman in order to get European working papers. I want to live in Europe. Would you ever consider living there?
Nando: Me, yeah, of course.
Rafa: I’m so glad you said that because I found you a similar Hungarian girl.

As I shoved breadsticks in my mouth, I began to picture a hefty woman with bleached- blond hair, red lipstick, wearing tight rose-colored spandex. It’s sad to say, but she’d actually fit in with my family.

My heart was pounding, and not because of what he was saying but because the main dish arrived…and I still hadn’t told him. Hey, it’s been a while since I had swordfish–so I decided to enjoy it. “He’s not the one,” I thought, even though we have common denominators–he’s from Texas like me, we’re both Mexican, we both loved Paris and wanted to live there. How do I explain that I want to remain friends but that’s all? How will he take it? I mean, we only met last week, surely there’s not a HUGE attachment. I decided to break-up with him after the main course.

As we began to eat, I started to sabotage the evening. I answered a few text
messages on my phone while he was talking. I answered a call–it was a bill collector, and pretended it was my sister, which really freaked the collections guy out. Yeah, I was being an ass. But I honestly didn’t know what to do. How do u tell someone they’re not “the one” without hurting them? I was truly uncomfortable.

I began to sweat, not from the siutation, but from the heat lamps above us. After my delicious meal, and by the way–I recommend the Sword Fish bathed in black lentils with the side spinach dish at EAST OF 8th in Chelsea–it began to rain. As we walked out I thought, “How romantic…gentle rain falling in New York City while on a date.” If only I really liked this guy. Since neither one of us had umbrellas we both got soaked by the time we made it to the train. I thanked him for dinner and said good- bye. He moved in closer, but I gave him a hug instead. When I arrived home, I received a text from him and this was our exchange.

Rafa: U are confusing me.
Nando: What do u mean?
Rafa: You’re hot one minute and cold the next.
Nando: ?
Rafa: Can we chat online?

Instead of hiding behind the computer, I figured I hid all throughout dinner; I decided to be a man and called him instead.

Nando: Rafa, I want to be friends with you. I really do, but that’s it. I enjoy your company and have a good time, but I don’t have romatic feelings towards you.

He went cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

Rafa: How dare you lead me on! You were the one who was aggressive with me. You wanted to date me, you wanted to be involved with me! We even did a boat ride through Central park last Saturday, AND YOU HELD MY HAND AFTERWARDS!
Nando: Well, I was testing the waters.
Rafa: You were the one who insisted on me coming over the next day to cuddled. You played with my emotions.
Nando: uhm…..well….we’ve only seen each other 3 times……
Rafa: We’ve seen eachother 5 times, YOU IDIOT!
Nando: Really?
Rafa: I even massaged your head at the movies because you asked me too!
Nando: Oh…
Rafa: I can’t believe you played me! You’re just like everyone else in NYC! A player. I shared my 5-year plan with you! I got you a Hungarian…do you know how hard they are to find?
Nando: Not really.
Rafa: I don’t want to be your friend. You expect me to be your friend after you reject me as your LOVER?
Nando: So, you don’t think it can work?
Rafa: Bye!

The moral of the story:

a. Don’t date your own kind.
b. A head massage now, will end up a bad thing later.
c. The worst place to break up is a Asian-tranny-fusion eatery in Manhattan.


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