I was invited to see Avenue Q, the Broadway hit show, a few weeks ago — the boyfriend and I were excited at the thought of seeing puppets have sex and talking about Gay stuff. And I loved it–there was a slut puppet, a gay puppet, and a freaky monster who was totally into porn!
Makes you wonder what I was really thinking when watching Sesame Street as a child, right?
But the best part of the show wasn’t sitting front row–it was actually having my boyfriend sitting next to me as my date. While the puppets were having sex or talking about masturbating and I’d look to my left and there he’d be…first scared and confused that puppets were humping, then laughing his ass off. (I guess the puppets in Mexico don’t have sex–how 1997!) If you haven’t met my boyfriend, when he smiles, it’s like a breath of fresh air that sets you at ease–it’s one of the qualities I look forward to everyday when he comes home. He still had a touch of innocence and Avenue Q ripped that right out of him–it was fun to see…I got it on video!
Although the theme of Avenue Q was “finding yourself” and your life’s purpose, it had so many erotic & homo-erotic tidbits that made it a success at the box office. And the talented people performing were knocking it out of the ball park. I especially like Kate Monster and The Chinese “crazy-girl” Psychologist.
With my work, and his photography, it’s been a while since we’ve been together, just the two of us. I often wonder, How do you go on a date with your boyfriend when real life gets in the way?
Well, I wouldn’t be a sex/dating/relationship blogger worth my laptop if I couldn’t get to the bottom of things–so It was time to get intimate with my man. I set it up. It was going to only be me, him and our animalistic desires…even if it killed me!
Cris: I have arm fat.
Nando: Jesus, I can’t handle this now Cris, I’m getting ready for my date.
Cris: Did you not hear me? I said I have arm fat! I’m not calling to go over football scores.
Nando: What category problem is this? Food, shopping or hair?
Cris: All of the above!
Cris and I have been BFFs for over 26 years. Anyone who knows me, knows Cris–or at least has heard of her. We met in Texas in the 4th grade since that fateful day in 1984, life just hasn’t been the same. And in our daily calls, she’s in Iowa and I’m in Brooklyn, we decipher our problems through a system we’ve created and developed–we separate our problems into the 3 categories that they cause us to explore; food, shopping or hair.
1. Food. If the problem we’re facing is dangerous and we’re fearful of something; a job interview, our partners are mad and aren’t talking to us–we usually turn to food.
2. Shopping. If we’re upset and the world doesn’t understand us like our coworkers, our partners or family, we usually attack Bloomingdale’s or if we’re upset but on a budget, H&M.
3. Hair. If things are just too out of control, we’ll usually attack our hair. She once gave herself bangs when she and her mother argued over where to put the raincoats. I can’t judge, I will give myself a “trim” when I don’t get enough blog hits.
It’s pretty routine for us to have one of the above listed problems a few times a month, but a category 4 problem was rare.
Nando: When did you discover it?
Cris: Today, Today! What do I do?
Nando: Is it fat or muscle?
Cris: I don’t know–I’m too scared to look. How can I tell?
Nando: Raise your arm. Wave like you just won a beauty pageant. If it jiggles, it’s fat. If it doesn’t…it’s muscle.
Cris: I’m waving.
Nando: Is it juggling?
Cris: I’m not telling!
Nando: It’s jiggling.
After Cris hung up on me, I couldn’t help but keep her in mind on my date. There I was, feeling all sexy due to my new Diesel Andre Brief I was wearing that I got from the MensUnderWearStore.com. So far, this was my favorite underwear since joining the Date Night Challenge–and once you click on the link, I think you’ll understand why. The brief itself is fun, sexy and extremely comfortable. I was living it up in New York City with my hot boyfriend when the phone rang. It was Cris.
Cris: I know you’re on a date, I saw it on facebook.
Cris: It jiggled.
Nando: Jesus Christ. Have you talked to your trainer?
Nando: You know, it might not even be arm fat, it might be relaxed muscle ABOUT to turn into hard muscle.
Cris: That exsists?
Nando: I think I read something about this happening to a woman in Australia.
Cris: So I can turn my car around and head back home?
Nando: Where were you going?
I love Cris. I love my boyfriend. Cris is in Iowa. My boyfriend is in my same zip code. Sometimes I feel like I see Cris more than my boyfriend. But it’s one of those things that I wouldn’t change in the world. As it turns out, it wasn’t arm fat–just an overactive imagination and a jacket that shrunk when her husband was asked to to the laundry. How was my date? It was good. Now, since Cris is coming for a visit in 3 days, I’m hoping I can get another date with my boyfriend. Anyone care to babysit my Cris–just keep her away from Wendy’s.