3 Ways to Deal with Anger and Your Husband

dealing with anger issues

You can take this advice and apply it to your spouse, friends, or colleagues. It will work in any situation but there is a level of wanting to work it through on your behalf in order for this to work. If you’re looking for ways to play victim or point all fingers at them — this is not for you. This is for real people seeking real solutions on dealing with your anger and your spouse/husband.

1. Have compassion and realize that they are probably kicking themselves for the exact same reason you’re mad. It might not come as natural to remember certain likes or several of your dislikes. Or it might be that they are careless with money and are truly trying hard to budget. Realize that if there is an area they are struggling with, they may be afraid or insecure to ask for help since you slip into anger mode so easily. Don’t excuse their behavior but try a little compassion–it will go a long way. Besides, don’t you want the same in return? You’re not perfect. Ouch!

2. Take a step back and ask, is this really the issue? Many times we lash out in situations and we’ve been bubbling with anger or resentment for days, weeks, even years. Get to the bottom of things. Are the dishes in the sink really the issue or is it that you feel disrespected because you’ve explained how this is bothersome and you still encounter a cup and dirty spoon once or twice a month? Uncovering the root will help with resolution–but it takes some self examination and self awareness, you can do it. You’d want them to also do this instead of going all Tyra Banks on you for eating the last Nestle ice cream crunch bar.

3. Realize there is a price of admission in relationships. In the real world, there is no perfect person and there is no “settling down” without “settling for.” Come to realize that you both have flaws and deal with them. Is he the sweetest, caring, and loving person who just happens to leave his shoes all over the apartment? Deal with it. Is he always there for you when you need someone and has your back no matter what, yet leaves dishes in the sink? Oh well. (Notice I’ve thrown in dishes in the sink twice? Sorry, babe) In the real world of relationships there is no fairy tale ending, just the one where two people put in work to make it another day. Some days are fun and amazing while others may be dreadful and full of yucky stuff. You just have to decide what’s the price of admission in your relationship and the sooner you do, the faster you can get on with your fun times.

It’s not about Becky with the Good Hair

beyonce beyhiveBecky with the good hair came on everyone’s radar this past Saturday with speculations and fingers quickly pointed at Rachel Roy and by Monday a few more fingers were directed towards Rita Ora and I’m confident that in a few more days, other women will be identified as good-haired Becky. But one person that requires no speculation on in this entire affair is Jay-Z. If we are to believe that an entire album was created because of his infidelity, then why didn’t the BeyHive go after him, was it because if it were not for him, we wouldn’t have Lemonade quenching our thirst?  The angle of focus is all wrong, we have zeroed in on the wrong person, the wrong act, and the wrong message. It’s not about infidelity, but what you decide do with the relationship after it occurs.

Everyone must do what’s right for their own sake and their own relationship, I stand strongly on that platform and would not judge someone on what they decide to do with their bond should one of the parties knowingly break it. I had been in a relationship for two years when I walked in on him having sex with another person in our apartment. I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t process what was going on as I saw my then boyfriend nude trying to cover up and the other guy jumping up out of bed grabbing and reaching around for his pants that were lying on the same carpet that I had vacuumed one day before. I was out of breathe and I heard one of them say, call 9-11. It got that bad. But I snapped out of it when I saw the guy flash before me running out of the apartment while turning to me to say, “Please don’t tell my boyfriend,” as he slammed the door shut. Did I forget to mention, the guy in my boyfriend’s bed was part of a couple we knew and went on vacations with a few weeks before?

For me there was no column A or column B decision to be made, I packed as many of my things as I possibly could and walked out. I left the apartment, I left the relationship and I left the lie I was living at the time. Since then, several years have passed and I’m married now, to a man that personifies generosity, kindness and hope. The fact that he has these qualities breathes new meaning and value into my life. We’ve been together for six years and I can’t see my life without him. I see us continuing to experience new things together, quarreling over who’s doing the dishes this weekend and looking forward to growing old together. This relationship has been hard. It’s been tested. It’s been both beautiful and rough—and we have some tough times ahead of us, but I’ve had to take the meaning of what a relationship once meant to me “people cheat,” “people can’t be trusted,” “you will get your heart broken,” and grow out of those ideas because I chose love. 

Beyoncé chose love. She just chose love with the same man who crushed her heart into tiny little pieces, the same someone the BeyHive has decided to leave alone and maybe they should since his own wife chose the path of forgiveness. It’s a move that says, “Okay, let’s get back on track.” They’ve built an empire together. They have a child together. They have history. It’s Beyoncé and Jay-Z, but they are also human and have feelings. I sometimes think we only see celebrities as walking stars with no real issues — but if Lemonade tells us anything, it’s that she goes through the same things we all go through wether it’s cutting his face out of pictures as well as scratching his face out—except she gets to do it in Givenchy. It’s only now we begin to understand why Solange went cray-cray in the elevator. We all need a Solange in our lives. I’m lucky that I had four in mine and I ran to them in my time of heartbreak. 

Beyoncé is staying. It’s not because of money, it’s not because of status and it’s not because of any other reason but that she chose the option to love, for now. We should respect that and see that as a thing of hope. I had to leave that relationship because there was no winning for us. Now that I’m married, I’m not sure what I’d do if my husband were to cheat on me. I hope to never find out. We have history together and respect one another enough that when the world gives us sour grapes, we will juice them. In Beyoncé’s case, while turning lemons to lemonade, she also turned grief into hope and heartache into love. And as far Becky is concerned (whomever she may be), let’s leave her alone, she’s too busy getting her hair did

Our Wedding Cake and Why it was Baked in Brooklyn with One Direction Present

Our Wedding Cake and Why it was Baked in Brooklyn with One Direction Present

nando and german wedding cake photo

With over 20K likes on Facebook and high engagement from its customers raving about their baked goods, you’d think choosing Baked to make our wedding cake would have been a no-brainer but since we decided to get married a week prior to the actual date–we did a quick “on the spot” Google search for wedding cakes in New York and they were the first bakery that popped up so we placed the order. The customer service was amazing, we were asked when we’d like to schedule a tasting and responded with, “Nope, we’re ready to place the order now!” I know, can you imagine 2 gays in New York City leaving it up to to the cake god, but we did.

The only glitch we encountered were the wedding cake toppers which were not included nor did they sell them which meant it was up to us to find the toppers that represented us, our style, and our way of life — gay wedding cake toppers in New York were my obsession for the following week. Baked recommend Etsy, but the delivery dates were 4-6 weeks out and we were planning a random and spontaneous wedding — who knew wedding cake toppers were going to kick our ass like this?  Since gay weddings are still so new, the market for toppers is awful. I mean, if someone wants a sure-fire way to make money right now, at $200 per set, you can certainly create your empire quick. The problem I encountered…the toppers I did find were boring as hell.

After a week of searching (I was even willing to do Minions with tuxedos but I couldn’t find any) I gave up. It was Sunday afternoon–3 days away from the wedding–and I was on my way to get my spray tan when I stopped at Walgreens to buy some water.  I popped over to the toy section and there they were, One Direction figurines. They had only two left, Liam Payne and Louis Tomlinson. Honestly, I don’t know who these kids are individually, I just know Harry “did it” with Taylor Swift and I’m still waiting for that song to come out…Taylor, you’re slacking!

After a little make over with some black paint and a sharpie — voila, we had original (sort of) wedding cake toppers for our special day. And that’s how One Direction and Baked made our wedding day so unique. Our raspberry lemonade cake from Baked was delicious, sexy and beautifully made…just like our future together.

Here’s the link to our wedding video: Nando and German get married!

 

One Direction Figurines

The before picture of the figurines

nando and german wedding cake2

I truly love the lighting and how it captures the electric feel of the moment

nando and german wedding cake1

A little close up on the tasty treat.

nando and german wedding cake3

Capturing a true wedding moment.

Miami and in Love – The 2013 Vacation Chronicles

on south beach miamiGerman and I went on a little Miami getaway a few weeks ago and stayed at the Surfcomber Miami Beach which to me, served 3 purposes.

1. to help us relax and get away from the city which can sometimes drain your soul of all creativity

2.  to get way from the daily tasked and not worry  about the laundry, bills, or things like, “Who forgot to buy the toilet paper?” And “It’s your turn to feed the birds, right?.”

3. to help us reconnect as a couple because after three years together, you start to forget what brought you two together.

And for me, a vacation means not having to do anything…except relax, sleep, relax and sleep and eat. And that’s exactly what we accomplished. Getting a little color on my pale skin would have been brilliant, but I knew I’d be asking too much of the sun and nature.

When you’re in a committed relationship, you can easily forget the goal of the relationship. You get caught up in work, career, school and so many other elements pop up that you need a spot you can escape to and reconnect and Miami hit the spot. For us, our relationship goal is to continue having fun around one another and learning what makes us tick as we evolve and grow as individuals.

Here are a few other highlights from our trip.

As a couple, how do you relax and reconnect? Leave your comment below.

 

 

german 1 nando 1 nando 3

 

Breaking Up & What it Says About You

As I try to walk on the straight and narrow–stopping only for the important things in life like street corner hot dogs and shiny pennies thrown on the streets of Brooklyn–it seems that everyone around me is breaking up. And although every break up causes a different type of break down–I can’t help but wonder, “What does your break up say about you?

Whether it’s been five months or six years, there’s a sense of sadness that greets you in the morning and an amount of hurt that hugs you to sleep at night. People belief in the myth that if you’re the one doing the “breaking up” as opposed to the one who got dumped–things will be peachy–but that’s a false sense of relief. No matter what side if the break up line you’re standing on–in the end, you have a rough time ahead. Just ask Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony about their break up/divorce; no amount of double-sided breast tape can hold those two together.

My friend Sarah recently ended her six month romance two weeks ago and she’d be able to move forward except that the guy won’t stop calling, e-mailing and texting her to come back. I don’t blame him, she’s quite the little firecracker-hot mama type that you don’t want to let go of. So why did it take Sarah six months to figure it out, “it’s time to break up.” She did what many of us do–she ignored her heart’s red flags and kept hoping things would change. But when he confessed his love for her a few months back–and she wasn’t able to reciprocate–her heart’s auto-pilot took over and came in for an abrupt love-landing.

Another couple, Danny & Mark, broke things off after 10 years. They reached a point where they both noticed they couldn’t see eye-to-eye with one another and the relationship suffered. A feeling of desperation washed over them like dirty pool water that had been peed in. That pee-water feeling caused them to make one of the hardest decisions ever–to go their separate ways. If you know Danny & Mark, you’ll see their facebook status is still “in a relationship” because changing that status–according to Mark will make it official and they’re dealing with a lot right now and making it public would be extra pain sprinkles on their break-up sundae.

In both cases–the break up was done respectfully and handled in an adult manner with both parties realizing they couldn’t ignore their heart strings being plucked while screaming, “Child, this ain’t working any more!” (If their heart was a ghetto Black woman) And in both cases they’re all struggling with the idea of “What if” and “Maybe if I would have stuck it out a little longer…”

But that ideology rarely works out when the relationship just isn’t working. But they will soon realize that as they walked away from their bad romance–they took a few steps closer towards happiness and that says more about them as a person that sticking it out would. If it’s broke and can’t be fixed–don’t stick it in the corner and pretend everything is good;  instead, let it go, put in on the side of the street and let the universe take it from there.

What struggles have you dealt with when breaking up? Does one party ever have it easier than the other? Share your thoughts and leave a comment.

 

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