When Dating, Do You Upsell?

I spend the majority of my time reading books + then applying their messages to my everyday life. If it’s a business book, I try something new with my blog, merchandise and take things to the next level–but because I’m seriously passionate about dating, relationships + helping others, I always relate the info back to dating + relationships. If it’s a book about marketing, strategy or even how to be the most likeable in business, my mind always filters it into…you guessed it–dating + relationships.

As I finished reading my last book, The $100 Start Up by Chris Guillebreau, in chapter 11, he dicsucces the idea of an upsell. We all get this idea. You sell someone a product and right before they make the purchase, you introduce them to another one of your products they might also be interested in. It’s like when Amazon.com shows you the “other related items” on the check out page. “Oh, I guess I will need this toothpaste that will pop in my mouth if I order my new toothbrush that glows in the dark,” you say to yourself as you click on Pop’n Toothpaste. Yeah, like that. But before you decide to make another purchase, you trust the site, the seller or the place of business, right? There’s also a trust factor when dating which gets you to the second date…and the third…and so on.

When people lie on their dating profiles about their weight, age, or even their hair factor, it’s because of an insecurity. Why else would a guy lie about how tall he really is? Or a woman fib about those extra love pounds she’s hiding inside a girdle? What people don’t realize is that you are ruining your DATING TRUST FACTOR. What people should really be doing is selling themselves “AS IS” online and on the date–go for the upsell. I went out with a guy once who had decent photos online. When we met, sparks, fireworks, passion overflowed. It was like my internal Mexican volcano irrupted when I saw him walking towards me. Was this the guy? It looked him, but not really? He was actually using bad photographs in his profile that didn’t do him any justice. Yeah, I’m talking about my current boyfriend, German Marin.  He totally under-promised yet over-delivered! He was funny, an amazing listener + had a sweetness about him that to-the-date still makes my hear pitter-patter. That was the upsell. He was so much more than what I expected. Keep in mind, the upsell doesn’t have to be a sleazy situation, like having a magnum-sized condom fall out of his wallet or having her insert an entire beer bottle into her mouth. Side comment: The mobile pics German he was were taken by friends.

Don’t let insecurities ruin your business, job, or dating/relationship life. Always “Sell as AS” but then go for the upsell once you’ve built that DATING FACTOR TRUST. Keep in mind that you want to build trust while having fun when dating, otherwise, you’ll become a one-date wonder on the prowl with eventually no prospects but Asian escorts on the back of the Village Voice.

 

Date Slow: Taking Your Time When Dating

Today, we celebrate fast: fast food, fast internet, fast times. Does this mean we have lost the appreciation of slow? Slow seems to be an art form we no longer care for. Sure we can quickly update a status through a phone in under 1 minute or retweet someone in less than 30 seconds, but what happened to slow? Slow is good. Slow is undervalued. There are certain things that can’t be celebrated under the umbrella of fast + speedy, like dating and relationships.

When you date someone, learn to relax, this comes with time. When you date someone, actively listen. Slow down and ask questions, have a nice and steady pace when telling your story. Need to kill some time instead of rushing into a text battle? Make some detox water and let the act sooth you. All these things lead up to a huge reveal that can’t be rushed when time is on your side, if you let it.

Slow down and get to know someone when they’re having a bad day, when they experience joy + excitement. Slow down to understand why what you just said, hurt their feelings.

Give yourself and the relationship the respect is deserves by slowing down to realize that the argument you just started, wasn’t necessary. When we come from “quickness” + “hurry it up” we miss several cues and clues about the other person and ourselves. Wondering what you’ve already missed in the hustle and bustle of your life?

Idea: Stop sabotaging your dates/relationships because you want to fast-forward to the good parts….something beautiful can’t be rushed.

There’s a reason why the turtle won the race against the rabbit, it wasn’t just because he was slow and steady, but because he realized he was on a journey that required him to be present. What are you missing right now because you’re in a rush to get in and get out? Pace yourself and have a taste of slow.

Is your relationship ready for the next level — slowing it down? Leave a comment and let’s discuss.

 

My 2-year Anniversary + Deal Breaker List

Today is my 2-yr anniversary with German. Some of you followed our courtship from day one (Under his Umbrella)–where, for legal purposes, (I didn’t want him to press charges if we didn’t make it to date #2 and read that I wrote about him) I referred to him as Santiago. This won’t be a love is all we need post or how I have cultivated the perfect relationship because truth be told, we have had a roller-coaster of a ride, as do all the other real couples.

But still, to date, German remains one of my favorite people to be around. I can be 100% myself and when he’s at his goofiest, I know he’s operating from authenticity. And I often think, “Had I not given up my “deal-breaker” list, I may not have ever given him a chance.” Here were some of the things on that deal-breaker list: (don’t judge)

1. Must be in a creative profession
2. Must live alone–no roommates
3. Must be “out” to his entire family

In these two years, German has started his freelance photography career–and just last night was adding new buttons to his website. Not only has he gotten creative, he’s learned coding like a hot nerd! We’re now living together so no roommates in the mix (and it’s f*ucked up that my deal breaker list mentioned roommates because I had one at the time). How many of you have something on your list that you yourself are doing? And it was at the airport in Odessa, TX, both waiting for our return flight back from my dad’s funeral in June of 2011, that German called his parents in Mexico and came out. (I have the video footage) It’s juicy yet  endearing.

Looking back at that list–my top three deal breakers seemed real and important at the time. Just as real as your own dating deal-breaker list seems to be as you wave it around saying, “Mine is real Nando, yours was a stupid hot mess!” And I “get it”. Because of my past experiences with certain guys that had those aspects, I didn’t want a “repeat” of my past.

Each guy with their own issue caused me much heartache (not being out: I had to hide when his family came over unexpected or spending my holidays alone because I wasn’t allowed to come along) or confusion (not being creative: they never understood my passion for writing and entertaining and it cause chaos and misunderstandings in the relationships which eventually ended because they were threatened I’d meet someone creative “like me” and leave them–when in reality, their insecurities caused them to cheat…and the end result was me leaving anyways).

When we create our dating deal-breaker list, we’re dragging our past into our future–remember, some-if not all-of our deal breakers are based on past experiences–and that will never function in a relationship. Instead, become a better person and realize thats it’s about creating a new possibility for yourself and allowing the person you’re about to meet to be themselves and allowing them to shine. And maybe, just maybe–those things that once bothered you or felt would keep you from entering a mature and loving relationship might disappear/change/transform on their own, but not because you made demands on your partner, but because your partner just might have thrown away their own deal-breaker list when meeting you causing them to become a better person too.

I love you German and thanks for being present on my continuous journey of transformation.

Why Holding Hands Will Help Your Relationship

why-he-wont-hold-my-hand
* ATTENTION: For the tips on this blog to work, you must both be willing and if it’s YOU who landed on this post, your love language could be touch — which explains a lot.

When we fall in love, we release a chemical cocktail that takes over and makes us kick love into high speed. Unless you’re a Kardashian, (they release an ass-chemical that gets them another season on E!) One of the chemicals released when you’re in love–in your “love cocktail” is oxytocin, not to get it confused with the drug, Oxycodone –although the sensation in both are the same: euphoric, happy, and bond-forming. Holding hands has also been linked to helping people destress.

Research shows that our brain produces more oxytocin early in the dating phase when experiencing physical contact like holding hands, kissing, and caressing because it’s needed in order to build a love-bond. But the brain is wired to maintain a balance, so about six months to two years of being with the same person–it decreases the levels of oxytocin. The brain does this, not just to torture us, but to self-preserve.  The body can’t function properly always skipping heartbeats, butterflies in the tummy, or hearing symphonies when they say your name.

The body starts to protest, “I can’t do this anymore!” And when this happens, you freak out, thinking, there are no more sparks, he no longer loves me and question if your relationship is destined to fail.

Relationships-dos and don'ts

But you can start to create more oxytocin (yeah, even in public) by simply increasing the amount of physical touch with your partner. Simple kisses on the neck, holding hands, a quick hug will start to produce more oxytocin which increases your love-bond. It’s not magic, one kiss doesn’t equal 1mg of oxytocin, it’s a build up–so make sure you give it some time. I actually have been experimenting with Big Daddy for the last three days and I was shocked to see the results. He’s now calling me before he goes to work and we wake up early just to talk. It’s been two years for us, and I like the direction we’re headed in.

Coincidentally, Oxytocin is released when mothers give birth and that’s another reason doctors recommend breast-feeding because of the high levels of oxytocin present that will quickly bond mother and child. This must explain the woman who loves in a shoe with all those kids, she must have breastfed.

Key Takeaway: Oxytocin increases the love-bond. If you feel you are loosing the connection with your partner, try some physical contact.

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