10 Tips To Pick Up The Perfect Hibernation Girlfriend

This is a guest post is written by Jimmy Jacob (@Personalsfacts) author of personalfacts.com whom I just tweeted with earlier this week for the first time which immediately resulted in creative collaborative efforts. Ladies, you have to visit his site for great dating insights (from a straight man’s perspective) with an honesty, humor and spark! (Really!)

It’s the beginning of November, which means hibernation mode will kick in soon for many men out there.  And how do men hibernate you may be wondering? We find a girl to stay in for the next few months, of course.

According to the Urban Dictionary, the definition for hibernation is: When a guy keeps a significant other throughout the winter only to dump them once spring arrives to be single for the summer months, they are said to be in hibernation.

I have had many of my platonic female friends ask me why men do this and the answer is simple: It’s way too cold to go to the bar to pick up. (Sad, but true)  By the end of November, every girl is covered up from head to toe and temptation is gone making it harder to hook up with ready, willing and able ladies.

If you’re a single guy in November, you can pretty much guarantee you will spend most of the winter having threesomes with “Palm-ela” and “Keri.”  (Keri Hand Lotion, that is.)

On the other hand, if you can find yourself a hibernation girlfriend, you won’t have to worry when you are guaranteed sex every time you hook.

So fellas, if you’re looking for your new “snow bitch,” here are some guidelines you should follow:

1. Avoid Your Neighborhood Bar

From personal experience, I have found that although there are many opportunities to find your new “winter girlfriend” at your local watering hole.  Unfortunately, you don’t want to sh*t where you eat and when Spring eventually arrives; you may have to sacrifice your beloved hangout to avoid drama after you breakup.  Stick to other bars and pubs you are not familiar with to better your chances.

2. Avoid Gyms

The last place you want to find your hibernation partner is at a gym.  The whole point of finding a winter girlfriend is to find someone who you can be lazy with.  Getting with a woman who works out is counterproductive, since she will probably want you to look your best at all times.

3. Make Sure She Lives Further Away From You

I know what you’re thinking: Why would I want a hibernation girlfriend that lives far away from me?  Having your winter gal live far away from you gives you the perfect excuse to end things in the springtime.  You can give her the whole “long-distance doesn’t work me” speech.  It’s also good to have her live far away because it gives you enough space from each other so you don’t get attached to her.  She should be your weekend getaway. Plain and simple.

4. Avoid Drop Dead Gorgeous Gals

This is an extension of number two.  You want a winter gal who doesn’t care about appearances and is fairly low maintenance. If she is drop dead gorgeous, you run the risk of falling for her and being lured into a formal relationship.

5. Go For Taurus Gals

I’m not one for astrology, but I have noticed that Taurus women are laid back, lazy, sensual and homebodies.  All the qualities you need in a woman for your hibernation period.

6. Make Sure She Has The Same Tastes In Movies And Television as you

During your hibernating romance, you will most likely be watching a lot of television and movies, which is why it is essential to pick a girl that has the same tastes as you.  If you’re more of a David Lynch fan and she is only interested in watching Jersey Shore reruns, then it won’t work out.

7. Bonafide Stoner 

DVD box sets and ganja go hand in hand during your hibernation period and you know it.  If your girl is straightedge, it probably won’t work.

8. Hook Up With Her After The Holidays

You don’t want to worry about buying your winter girlfriend a present or introducing her to your family around Thanksgiving, which is why you should hold off on dating until after Christmas.  Sure, you may have to spend New Year’s with her, but at least you will save a ton of money by staying in for the night.

9. She Has To Have A Sexual Appetite That Matches Her Appetite For Food

Let’s face it: the next three to four months will require three essential things to get through the winter together.  Those things are TV, FOOD and SEX.  One does not go without the other.  You will need to burn those calories and you don’t want her to blame you for packing on the pounds after you break up with her in the spring.

10. Don’t Fall in Love

The winter is no time to fall in love.  This relationship should be comfortable and easy.  When you’re in a genuine relationship, you do fun and productive things with each other outside of the bedroom.  Falling for her during a hibernation relationship will only set you up for failure and possible heartbreak. You’ve been warned.

Here’s hoping you can find your hibernation girlfriend this winter!

To show the author, Jimmy Jacob, some love, tweet him @Personalsfacts AND visit his awesome dating tips blog at personalfacts.com NOW!

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3 Comments

  • Hibernation girlfriend? seriously? wow this is an eye opener, here’s to hundreds of women seriously mistrusting any cute guy they meet after reading this hehehehe.
    Interesting article ;)

  • Hey Jessie,

    I just state the facts! :P I’m not proud of it, but I have been guilty of committing this enough time to write a blog about it. In short, just avoid seeking relationships in the winter if you aren’t in one already. :P

  • I never knew this was a straight-man dilemma either–or maybe it’s the straight woman who has the dilemma–and I found this to be very interesting! Words of wisdom, stay away from relationships in the winter and keep your bunny buns warm on your own!

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