You’re the Expert: A Gay Best Friend or My Husband?

what say youDear Nandoism Readers:

Nando, I’ve been reading your posts on having a Gay Best Friend and know you’re writing a book on the topic and it gets me excited to think of having my own Gay Best Friend, and don’t worry, I read your last article on GBFs are not a fashion accessory, so I know not to treat them like one, but I have an issue.

As much as I’d like to enter the fabulous world of having my own gay best friend, my husband isn’t a fan of Gays. He’s an good man: caring, loving, and is a wonderful father; he even came to the rescue of a lesbian couple in our neighborhood when the block wanted them out, but it seems that he doesn’t approve of the idea of having Gays in the presence of our boys, a 5 y.o and a 3 y.o. He doesn’t go on witch-hunts for them or passes out literature or speaks ill of them, he just doesn’t want them around and feels very uncomfortable around them.

Can I still manage a friendship with a Gay despite my husband coming from the Caribbean and holding onto the cultural idea that being Gay is morally wrong?

Yours Truly,

Desperate Gayless Housewife, 35, Minneapolis

If you have a love-problem and would like to share with Nandoism blog readers, e-mail it to nando (at) nandoism.com

What advice would you give Desperate Gayless Housewife? This is “reader-participation” and the floor is all yours! Leave your comment.

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10 Comments

  • As much as i’d love to say “it’s gonna be alright honey child”. In the end it will be a problem. He doesn’t approve of your friend’s lifestyle and for some reason thinks your GBBF is going to contaminate your children. Despite of what many paranoid straight men think. Gay men are not perverts going after little boys.

    So sit your man down and have a long talk as to why he’s paranoid and what would make him feel better. If you can’t get to the bottom of it, kiss your GBFF goodbye or meet him in the dark coffee houses like a dirty secret (not cool).

    Good luck

  • Well, this may be difficult for me to answer objectively because as much as this guy has a problem with gays I have a problem with people who hate gays simply for being gay.

    When people say being gay is “morally wrong” they usually use the Bible as their authority. However, the Bible also says we should not eat shellfish. Does this guy eat shrimp? Greed, pride and gluttony are also *deadly* sins (homosexuality isn’t even one of these ghastly, deadly sins), but we see these traits every single day in every one of us. So why do people single out gayness as such a horrible sin? Anyway, I’m going on.

    It’s not an easy issue. I’m actually dating a guy who isn’t terribly comfortable with gay folks himself and I have two gay bfs. However, I am working on him and it is my goal to change his mind! Fortunately, he’s not so closed off to say I can’t have these friends and he’s not averse to meeting them.

    My ex also had a problem with gays, but after I explained why his homophobia was illogical and unfounded (nicely, of course), he is now totally open minded about it.

    Gay people are just people. Would he tell you you couldn’t be friends with blondes? Or people of a difference race? What would Jesus do? Would he not be friends with gay people?

    I would just have the attitude of, “Hey, this is my friend.” I like him because he’s a great listener, is fun to be around, is supportive, or whatever other good friend qualities your gay may have. He also happens to be gay.

    When it comes to the kids, perhaps don’t introduce them to your gay until after you’ve introduced him to your husband a few times and your hubby realized what a cool dude he is. It sort of pains me to say that but I understand this is a delicate issue and shoving something in a person’s face is not the answer. He should be eased into it.

    Remember, do what’s right. Good luck! :)
    .-= singlegirlie´s last blog ..Relationship Milestone- The First Poo =-.

  • I have been in the same spot. I met one of the most generous, morally religious Man I have ever known b4 in my life and guess what, he is gay. We became instant friends and while this was wonderful for he and I, my husband (ex) was mortified. Not because of religious issues but he was horribly homophobic. After time and much pleading on my behalf, they met. My ex liked him instantly as well. My opinion on homophobia based on what I saw with ex is that they truly believe the GBF is out to get THEM! lol. Go figure. He really thought my GBF was using me to get to him, cause in his eyes, what gay man could resist. I lmao over that one!! but seriously, once he met him and realized (horror of horrors) that he wasnt wanted, he was over it. It was like something clicking into place. Not saying yours will be the same, but singlegirlie is right, dont push him into accepting a GBF but also do not let him dictate your decisions. Every couple has different friends, maybe he has one that you dont particularly care for but you tolerate for him.

  • I wouldn’t marry someone who had that kind of hang up. i don’t have a gay best friend but i certainly have many gay friends and wouldn’t put up with anyone having an issue with that. I wouldn’t bother getting to know anyone like that. Especially not well enough to marry.
    .-= Nayes´s last blog ..Excuse me while I murder your kid =-.

  • I’m not going to take some moral high ground or politically correct stance here because it’s not that simple. A lot of times what we fear or detest is rooted in a lack of understanding. If you do land a gay friend, slowly introduce him into your personal life. If your husband loves you and values meaningful friendships (not GBF accessories), he’ll likely begin to warm up to see that you’ve met a person that makes you happy. It won’t be an overnight process. If your husband is stuck in stubborn mode, the next best bet (realistically) is to agree to disagree and maintain your friendship with that person outside of your home surroundings. That way, you’re still respecting his boundaries, whether fair/just or not. The latter option often leads to the prior one. In short, make sure you are truly building a GBF- not an accessory because it’s in style, and then slowly integrate him into your life.
    .-= ifelicious´s last blog ..America Ferrera to host “Independent Lens” on PBS AP =-.

  • if your husband is not happy with it, then shouldn’t you at least try and understand where he is coming from, ask him to compromise the situation, he doesn’t have to see him or be friends.
    .-= Aplus´s last blog ..Online Dating – 11 Reasons to Go Online for Love =-.

  • No need to choose until you have a gbf. Even then it’s okay for your husband & gbf not to get along.

  • As with any element that is unknown in life, many people approach it with fear. If the situation ever arises in your life, it would be best to address your husband’s fear by having them meet in person. That removes the unknown factor. Once the man is seen as a man and not some label placed upon him by society, your husband can hopefully begin to assess how he feels about that person rather than that label. It will also pave the path a bit if you yourself didn’t see your new friend as a label, but rather as a valued companion in your life. The same approach can be applied with any unknown element that strikes fear…race, weight, religion, lifestyle preferences etc. Stereotypes are broken down when you stop looking at the label and see the person that is underneath.

    • Amazing viewpoint! Thanks for stopping by Ms Lust!
      I think we need to have some offline chats so I can get more of your insights!

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