As I slowly went from dating to ‘being in a relationship” the rules of the game changed…in a good way. But in order to make things work, I have to keep a constant awareness on the relationship that fosters and creates support and that it can withstand the heavy stuff–sort of like the plates they use at IHOP. (Hey, all I know is that when I ordered my hotcake stackers–nothing shook that pile of pancakes!) So here are the top 5 things every couple must have in their relationship to make it through another day. And before you say, “Oh great–more relationship advice from a gay Mexican,” I actually use one or all of these on a daily basis–and so far so good!
1. Make sure you have things in common: Sounds like a “duh” statement, but in my dating travels and in meeting couples I’ve seen the lack of common denominators which then leaves the dynamic duo in a crappy bind. Even if it’s on a small scale, like cutting each other, you must have one thing in common to bridge that gap when life throws you curve balls. If you and the sig other enjoy karate movies, kinky animal porn, or even complaining about life–at least you have an activity that will gel your bond and get you through the day. Don’t underestimate this point. (And for you animal porn lovers–eeew!)
2. Have your individual interests: And yes, as much as you want to hold ‘em, and love ‘em, and kiss ‘em–you must also want to leave them to their own devices. Give them and yourself a little breather and enjoy an activity on your own–go to the gym, take your camera around town, go find that new PIE place and try their PIE sampler (no witnesses–no calories!) It’s so healthy for people in a relationship to give one another “alone” time and allow one another to reconnect with their individual passions–even if it is eating PIE! Trust me–when your sig other returns feeling empowered and revitalized, you’ll reap the benefits–maybe you’ll get some dirty, sweaty sex or even better; they’ll even bring you back some PIE, but don’t count on it.
3. Respect for one another: Respect must be present to bring value into the relationship. We saw it on Jon & Kate plus 8. The woman (I’m talking about Jon here) was totally devalued and disrespected in every episode. Kate was either yelling, screaming, or just about to ring his neck. Despite what lead Jon to have an affair–the man lacked respect. And I’ve seen it in couples after the 2 year mark; a tumor-like growth invades the relationship and the couple slowly begins to grow apart and the relationship value drops. And before you know it, it’s displayed in public and done as if it were second nature. This spells nothing but DOOM for a couple. Even if you only respect your partner because of his awesome skills at changing the toilet paper roll when it’s needed–show some RESPECT; and Aretha Franklin said it best, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!”
4. Similar relationship goals: You can be on different pages, but at least be in the same book when it comes to your relationship. And this is dome through communication. If one person wants to be out with their friends leaving the other person at home all week, this is a recipe for disaster. Yes, you want some freedom, but what’s the point if you see your friends more than your sig other? If one party likes porn while the other is disgusted with it–well, honey, you got a problem with a capital T that rhymes with “Child, you are out of luck!” But either way, you must communicate; talk it out and come to midpoint that works for the two of you. A relationship can’t work if neither person is willing to compromise, communicate, and share their relationship expectations.
5. A Sense of humor: As nasty as the world is–yes, this is a pessimistic viewpoint, I can’t tell you how having a sense of humor helps a relationship out. Now, joking about serious topics isn’t going to work either, like laughing when the rent is due and chuckling when the sig other comes home with a bad perm, but helping induce laughter can shave off loads of “yuckiness” when confronted with tense situation. Recently when traveling with the boyfriend, the JFK airport security was so evil to me–they confiscated my Davide Torchio hairspray along with my toothpaste claiming it was a threat to America’s security. After I saw them take my items away, and wondered how my hair was supposed to stand up to the Iowa mugginess, my boyfriend turned to me and said, “Don’t worry, I snuck some RAVE in your carry-on bag that the scanners never caught!” We both chuckled as we boarded the plane knowing that our Mexican hair would stand up to the Iowa humidity after all–not with as much GLAM as with the Davide Torchio hairspray, but something was better than nothing. click here to see how my hair held up in Iowa (p.s. I tweeted about the incident minutes after it happened and Davide Torchio himself tweeted me back and said, “Don’t worry, I have a new bottle waiting for you when you return!) So kiss my hair, JFK security!
What are some of your MUST HAVES in your relationship? Leave a comment.
And don’t forget to check out my new eBook, Dating Stuff: The Things About Dating You Ought To Know available for download, now!
I really love this post. Every point so obvious, but so true. Thanks Nando.
.-= Twanji Kalula´s last blog ..‘Yes, I Am’ – Reading =-.
thanks buddy–and yeah, sometimes we just need little reminders…I know I do.
I think #4 – having similar relationship goals – is so often overlooked. Probably because it’s a hard thing to discuss in the beginning, and then you don’t find out till later in the relationship.
My gay bf has been with his bf for seven years. They see each other once a week, haven’t met each others’ families and travel separately. But you know what? It works for them. They couldn’t be happier. They both want that kind of relationship and they never fight. If one of them wanted more than the other, it wouldn’t work.
So, yes, one of the biggest hurdles to get over is to find someone who wants the same thing you do. And it’s not always the easiest thing, it seems.
.-= singlegirlie´s last blog ..Don’t Date and Tweet =-.
Hey, every relationship is unique and I’m so happy to see that people are jumping on the “let’s make our relationship our own board!”
I have an Aunt & Uncle who got married and after 8 years, decided to live in separate houses and guess what? They decided to move in with each other last year–they’ve been married over 40 years!
Communication is also key. Don’t keep anger in, once you do that it builds and can ultimately lead to a a bigger mess. If hubby or wifey upsets you let them know why.also no nagging, I hate when someone nags me. Get off of my back. Also have similar life goals so you 2 can work on them together and don’t be negative!! No one likes to be around a downer.
communication, communication, communication–I couldn’t agree more! and you know how we cancers do! And yes, don’t nag. Oy!
Similar relationship goals is a definite. I may be wanting to head to the altar while the other one just wants to enjoy the company of another without the commitment. You were right on point with this one.
.-= LexiB´s last blog ..11 Creative Pickup Lines That Undoubtedly Won’t Work =-.
Same relationship goals are very important! You can’t get by, eventually–something will rise to the top like a stinky diaper in the river! (wait, does a stinky diaper in the river rise?)
#2 is so important. Sometimes we get so caught up in our new romances that we lose ourselves and push aside those activities we used to enjoy with our friends. Sometimes there’s nothing better than missing the one you love while you’re out having a great time with your friends.
Great list Nando
it’s a hard balance because at first, all you want to do is hang out with the new BF; ignoring friends–then after a few months, you wanna hang out with friends without the bf thinking you aren’t into him any longer. oy! what’s a gay to do?
this is a nice concise list actually. I never thought about the relationship goals. Oh Nando why do you make me THINK??!!
.-= LoveintheDumps´s last blog ..Nothing but flowers =-.
Goals are important–even soccer has ‘em! (can’t wait to txt post for ya agian!)
Amazing post hon!
xox Now I want PIE!
.-= LostPlum´s last blog ..THE SUNDAY PULL: something sweet =-.
i did it just for you, sexy PIE lady.
I’m with Lost Plum. This post succeeded in making me hungry for pie, hotcakes, and french fries (ok, haven’t had lunch). I love this list…would also add support, which might be part of respect, but I think is important on its own. If we don’t feel supported in a relationship, it can turn nasty fast.
Sigh…cupcakes…
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Paid vs. free online dating =-.
You rock! And I’m having to cut down on the PIE. ugh. My pants don’t fit–and that’s NOT sexy!
Totally true!! Another great article with your added humor. Adore you! xo Susan
.-= Susan McCord´s last blog ..Musician interview with Vancouver’s Jacqui Brown =-.
Thanks sweetie! I adore ME too! (Kidding) thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment!