Lessons from the Exes

I was truly inspired after reading @winkwinkZoe‘s post on her One Date Wonders. It was refreshing how she shared her dating woes in a comical yet truthful perspective giving us all a little insight into the dater and why it didn’t work out. And it got me to think, not necessarily about my dating horror stories but the men in my life that had somehow taken a little piece of me–the exes. Many of you know that I still speak to all my exes and well, we’ve established great friendships. Someone once told me, “Two beautiful people don’t necessarily have to be beautiful together,” and so this post is about my exes and the lessons they taught me.

1. Robert: He was my first boyfriend in Texas at the age of 19. The relationship lasted five years. He was approximately 6 feet 1 inch, Black, hot, and 4 or 5 years older. I learned the foundation of what it was to be in a relationship from him. He was very giving but not nurturing. He was kind but not forgiving. Since everything was new to me, being gay and having a boyfriend–it was a teacher/student situation. It was also the first and last violent relationship I was ever in. I forgave him for everything, I just don’t think he’s forgiven himself. The biggest lesson he taught me was, “Be yourself and never be afraid of that.”

2. Ali: Was my first official boyfriend in New York City in 2002. He was Pakistani, also approximately 6 feet 1 inch, hot, and 7 years younger than me. It was love at first sight. And I think we went burned our love-candles out too soon but it was worth scar. It was a beautiful romance that took place over the summer but ended soon after. And even though the fire went out–I left him for someone else (not cheated, but let him know I met someone else and wanted to explore it) the flame is still present. Ali and I are very much in each other’s lives right now but  the energy has changed to a brother-type of love. I look out for him and vise-versa. The lesson learned, “Love at first sight exists.”

3. Joe: This is the man I left Ali for. He was German-Irish (your basic White boy from Jersey), 5 feet 9inches, sexy, such a great dresser, smart, gentle and caring; he was 10 years older than me. The guilt of breaking Ali’s heart haunted this relationship for the two years it lasted. And Joe, fearful that I would leave him just as I left Ali–never truly trusted me. Ironic that is was him who failed me. I walked in on him having sex in our bedroom with one of our friends. I left that day and never looked back. The lesson learned, “Without trust, there is nothing.”

4. Izzy came into my life two years ago. He was 19 and I was 32. He’s 5 feet 7 inches, soft brown hair, milky white skin, the sweetest brown eyes and the tastiest 8 1/2 uncut inches of Italian manhood I’ve ever come across. He was the brilliant pianist, composer, and writer who inspired NANDOSIM. It was through this toxic and torturous relationship that I began to write and really focused on my art. His inspiration was endless as were our fights and epic breakups. Our energy created the perfect cocoon for our love and our hate. There was just no escaping until one day I found the courage to say, “Enough.” The biggest lesson learned, “You’ve got to love ‘you’ first, baby boy.”

And no matter what–I believe in love. I still believe in the magic, the goodness, the sweetness but these men and relationships have shaped and molded every piece of me. These are the men I have loved and have–at some point–loved me back. We’re connected because we understand the rule–that if it was love–really love–it will always remain, even though it might look, smell, taste, or feel different. I wouldn’t be me, without them and I thank each and everyone of them, dearly.

How do you see your exes? What lessons did you learn from them? Leave a comment.