It happens, but rarely in the movies; they don’t always want you to see the harshness of a love-life gone bad, but happily ever after isn’t always in the cards. Just like a Kelly Clarkson song, our romances sometimes end up in tears, crushed hearts but with a lifetime of beautiful memories. I met Izzy three years ago and it was just like a fantasy–that should’ve been my first clue. I tried to be “in the moment” every time we were together but the haunting thought of, “Is this too good to be true?” kept creeping in–sometimes sabotaging the day, night, or even a phone call. But despite the many disagreements and the heartbreaking fight during New Years 2009–we kept coming back to one another only to say good-bye all over again a few weeks later.
When timing is off in a relationship–as in anything else–you’ll have major successes yet even bigger failures. We push so hard for things to work out in life, especially when it comes to love, that we fail to see the big picture or we convince ourselves certain rules don’t apply. We’re blindsided by the fact that every person we fall in love with–won’t always fall back in love with us. And that hurts. In affairs of the heart, the brain isn’t always front and center; it’s the heart making decisions. So how do we regain our true selves again?
I fell for a brilliant piano player who adored Bach and Mozart and who composed musical pieces in my honor. Have you ever had a piece written just for you? Well, the feeling was overwhelming; he played the pieces with the intensity that our relationship gave off. His artistry and creative process caused me to be envious yet I admired his carefree way of getting up in the morning, lighting a cigarette as he discussed the dream he’d just woken up from. He wasn’t into fashion, rarely combed his hair and the stubble around his baby face intensified my attraction for him. His dreams were always so powerful and filled with life’s riddles, and yet, he was only19-years-old; I was 31. And although we connected over art, philosophy and rhetoric, I felt empty because I was no longer me. Somewhere between loving him and losing myself, I become a shadow. And as you know, a shadow only lives in the presence of someone else’s light–never it’s own.
No matter what type of relationship you’re in–when you find that you’re no longer the nucleus in your life and he’s become the center of your everything–something’s amiss. There is such a thing as compromise and “meeting in the middle” on certain things, but I’m talking about loosing your whole self in another person…so much that you push your basic needs aside–that’s when it’s time to reevaluate. In a time when were are all searching for love and romance, I can’t help but wonder, “Are the shadows of romance worth keeping if the love-light that’s shining isn’t your own?”
Have you ever lost yourself in another person? Leave a comment.
My first girlfriend begged for me to write a song about her (I played guitar in a band). For some reason I just didn’t want to. That’s one of the things that made me realise I wasn’t in love. For the record, I’m 29 and I still haven’t written a song about anyone. Nice post.
.-= Fishy´s last blog ..Something Fishy in the Newspaper =-.
Thanks for the comment–I bet when you do write one–it’ll be hot, like tobasco.
Hello Nando! What a heartbreakingly beautiful post. I agree with what you say about falling in love and losing yourself in another person. There’s a man I know who’s no longer in my life due t some big lifestyle differences between us and who, despite all the butterflies I feel with other men, could still steal my heart away if I let him. It didn’t work out, and I still miss him, even though it was only a couple of weeks long.
BTW, artists and musicians sweep ME off my feet all the time. That’s why, in the last few years, I’ve decided to fall for the engineers / teachers / biologists instead.
.-= Zoe´s last blog ..Balancing act! =-.
romance knows no time frame–many will disagree, but your heart knows what it feels.
these are lovely love affairs, aren’t they? but i’m not sure if I’m ready to give up on artists just yet.
i’ll keep you posted.
Beautifully written. I don’t know how you manage to express yourself the way you do .. but I’m so glad you can !
You have this knack of describing ‘a feeling’ in ways that most of us are unable to ..
I lost myself to this man; he would make music beats just for me and send them across; wined & dined me; took up more & more space in my heart until I felt consumed by him .. only to find out I didn’t have the same place in his .. and even if I did (which I believe I did) – he was unable to take things further. That was almost 3 years ago.
I met someone online a few months ago – my cousin reckons he’s taking up too much mind space. Your post hit home; just the other day I wrote an email to him (she wouldn’t let me send it) and I suppose I can see why. I’ll post it up and you can tell me your thoughts.
Luv ya my sexy Mexican in NY
if you see my hottie in NY tell him to up the ante 
.-= Dazediva´s last blog ..Your Voice. Your Blog. Your Blogger Voice. =-.
Thank you–this one was dying to come out of me.
Oh Nando – such a powerful post, and so many people need to read it and see themselves in it.
I did get lost in someone once. I alluded this in another response, but the man I got lost in was a Doctor, an awesome man, but obsessed with body, weight and fat intake so much that I became anorexic and bulimic to get my weight and body fat down to where he would approve. I didn’t stop even after we had broken up. I won’t go into any more details, but I woke up finally from this place and moved from it.
You point is very well made, no matter the heat of the moment, the man and the romance, no one is worth losing who you are and removing you from your friends and the world. A relationship needs to work two ways – you both become one out of two whole people.
Thanks Mike, I write these post because I know I would have loved
to have a gay guy tell me his stories without shoving ideas down my throat.
We have so many lessons to share–and yours are so valuable to me–thank you for always sharing.
As always you portray your story with such beauty, I could imagine him your brilliant piano player. You truly speak from the heart.
I briefly dated this guy who asked me if I was willing to give up going to college, for him, if we ever walked down the aisle. I was so blind that I said YEs! Then I came to my senses, I mean my parents left their home country for a better life, to offer us a better education and I was going to throw it all way for what? A guy who wanted to feel empowered by belittling me. GLad I opened my eyes and told him good-bye!
.-= Elisa´s last blog ..My days in Iowa =-.
@Elisa-thank you sweet mama! You met my little piano player–and
your words to me after meeting him were so helpful. I love honesty between friends.
Since, then I have tried to keep your wisdom close to my heart. I miss you.