Guest Blogger, Marna Bunger is back with a lesson for us all–the art of watching porn. This one threw me for a loop, with her little twist ending. I love you Marna! And for the rest of you, enjoy her here on nandoism.com.
There are certain rules of engagement when using other people’s pornography. We tend to learn these rules as curious teens before sex makes us stupid.
1. Put it back the way you found it. I read “The Fear of Flying” one summer while babysitting the Dooley’s two kids. I never got caught because I didn’t dog-ear the pages and I committed the number of the last page read to my memory. Magazines in the closet, garage, or under the bed were placed exactly the way they were found. The key to enjoying a good porn video with out arousing suspicion was to zero-out the VHS counter so that the video could be returned back to the stopping point of the last viewer. All of these methods were key to enhancing my sexual knowledge.
2. Lie if you have to. When I was 17, I creatively obtained admission to a John Holmes movie at an “art” film house. Mom didn’t suspect a thing when I told her I went to see one of those “artsy” films. Nowadays, you can probably say you say you saw an “indie” film.
3. Don’t leave evidence. You can’t get fingered for the crime if you don’t leave something behind. Don’t leave lubricant or ejaculatory souvenirs for others to discover. We all “do” it, but we don’t really want to know about it.
I learned a lot about sharing space when I moved to Manhattan and lived with a sous chef. The day after I moved in, he announced that he was quitting his job with no prospects. He was cocky and sure he could find something better where he would be treated like the culinary diva he was.
After two weeks of unemployment, I came home to news the chef scored 128 on a short-form IQ test.
“See, I’m almost a genius. I knew it,” he exclaimed.
The unemployed chef spent the remainder of the evening taking online IQ tests to reconfirm how bright he was.
Four and a half months later, he was still unemployed and on the couch addicted to news. My boyfriend at the time and I had just returned from a nice evening out which included a trip to a porn shop on Eighth Avenue to buy my first DVD porn movie. I selected “Three Guys on One Girl” because I knew I wouldn’t have to endure two bubble headed blondes satisfying one guy. You know 99 percent of all straight porn goes that way and it gets old. This DVD appeared to be foreign, so I knew I might be in for something different. I also selected this DVD because it was at the end of the rack which meant I could get in and out of the store with out all the men giving me looks. “Yeah, she likes porn. Can you see what she selected?”
Walking into the living room, I proudly display my new DVD to the unemployed chef. “Look, I’ve got “Three Guys on One Girl” for the new DVD player. I remember “The Best of Blondie” was the first CD I bought when I got a player. This movie will break my DVD player’s cherry,” I proclaimed.
The next morning when I walked out of my bedroom and into the living room, something was amiss. The rocking chair was pulled out and positioned four feet from my 32” flat screen TV. The DVD player power was still on. The 3 on 1 case was open. I left the scene of the crime and ran back in my bedroom to my boyfriend.
“I can’t believe he was 10 feet from my bedroom door rocking himself,” I said.
My wise, porn-loving boyfriend reminded me of the ADULT rules of engagement when viewing other people’s pornography:
If there’s porn in the house, a guy is going to watch it.
I left everything the way it was and went to work. I thought the living room had been returned to its original state until I was dusting two days later. It appeared the chef forgot about the rules of evidence. My red lacquered rocking chair had a souvenir of the worst kind: skid marks.
Marna Bunger is a tragically single, heterosexual writer and marketing
consultant living in West Hollywood, the epicenter of gay in southern
California. She’s the creative force behind dontmincewords.com.
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