Breast Cancer for Men

A few months ago I found a lump on my left armpit. I decided to deal with it they way my parents and several other Mexican generations before me have done–ignoring it– hoping one day it would just disappear. Six months later, it was still present and I decided to deal with it the second way I knew how–irritate it until something happened.

That was last week and this past Saturday I woke up to find that the original pea-sized lump had grown the size of a cherry but was now visible to the eye. In a panic I scoured my apartment for a needle thinking a good old needle-in-the-lump would cure it, but a little voice inside my head stopped me. “Are you crazy? Don’t you know this is breast cancer–you saw the episode of Nip/Tuck where the hot doctor with the huge penis had breast cancer–you can’t “pop” breast cancer away….or can you?”

I decided to talk it over with the first person that happened to call as I discovered this cherry-sized lump forming on my body today, my producer Shula.

Shula: Hi Nando, how are you?
Nando: I have breast cancer. I found a lump in my armpit.
Shula: Wow…well, listen, have you finished editing that footage on your style make over yet?

After that in depth conversation; it was obvious–Shula was deeply concerned so I knew I had to visit the doctor. I made an appointment for later in the day and shot an e-mail out to my friend Lily in Iowa telling her about my breast cancer and how I could be getting a mastectomy later on today but for her not to be alarmed. Below is the e-mail she sent me back.

“Oh no, keep me posted. By the way, can I use you as a reference for a car loan I’m trying to get?”

I knew she and Shula were both hiding behind masks of fear; I couldn’t let them down. My appointment was set for 4pm and I had to get ready. I took extra long in the shower because for some strange reason my nipples smelled like shrimp curry, which was odd since I hadn’t slept with an Indian in over a week. But I digress.

As I walked over to the doctor, only three blocks away, located between the Kosher fish market and the Russian Dance Studio (you gotta love Brooklyn), I knew Dr. Anna Romaneko would take good care of me.

After my exam the Dr. explained that it wasn’t breast cancer but a common skin infection that I had irritated when I manhandled it earlier in the week. She gave me antibiotics but warned me that if it didn’t show signs of improvement by tomorrow morning, I’d have to rush myself to the hospital immediately and ask for antibiotics through an IV needle.

I’m home now and as I pop my pills and complete the final touches on this blog, I want to urge men to not ignore a certain thing in their life….watching Nip/Tuck. Oh, yeah, and check for lumps under your arms too because men can get breast cancer.

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