How To Have A Proper Foursome

They say wisdom comes with age, but I think that’s what they want us to think just to make getting older seem less harsh. Yes, we do gain experience through the years–but it’s what you do with that knowledge that really makes a difference in your life. But does there come a point where age and wisdom need to be sacrificed in order to be free and have fun?

My friend Frank was in town visiting from Minneapolis. He was in New York on business and his boyfriend, Kent, of two years was waiting for him back home. Earlier in the day, Frank called and asked if I’d met up with him and a few of his other NYC friends to go out dancing but because I had a lot of writing deadlines, I turned down the offer but said I’d try to make it for brunch the next day because let’s face it nothing is sexier than Sunday brunch in the city with hot men and a cold mimosa.

At 10 p.m. I got a text from Frank begging me to go out. I replied back saying I still couldn’t break free. But at 10:15 p.m. he called explaining that all his friends had cancelled and he was upset because he really wanted to go out dancing. Before I knew it I was dressed and on the Q train headed towards the city.

I met Frank on the corner of 17th and 6th and I found him standing there alone smoking a cigarette.

Frank: Oh my God, Nando you look so good! Come with me to the bank, mama needs more cash cause it’s gonna be a wild one tonight. I can feel it!

We walked up 17th Street made a left on 5th Ave and stopped at Bank of America.

Frank: You’ve lost so much weight and look so good.
Nando: Thanks. How’s Kent?
Frank: Oh, that bastard…he’s good, I guess. He’s really working my last nerve though.
Nando: Be nice to Kent, I really like him.
Frank: You can have him. Do you know that he burned the lasagna for our second year anniversary? All he had to do was keep an eye on the timer but no, he couldn’t even do that right.
Nando: Well I’m sure he didn’t mean to; he probably got distracted. I almost burned down my apartment boiling eggs once.

He gave me a horrified look.

Frank: You eat boiled eggs? You are old.

We walked down 17th Street and reached Splash Bar; Frank bypassed the line and went inside because he’d already been in earlier and had gotten the “sexy” stamp (which allows you return access) on his hand while waiting for me. I had to stand in line alone (Splash has a rule that you can’t be in line together if one of you has already been inside and marked “sexy”). I could hear the loud music from outside and as I looked around at the guys in the line, I remembered why I rarely went out to clubs–I really don’t like gay people.

Inside, Frank was waiting for me with a drink.

Frank: Just how you like it. Weak. Like a bitch.
Nando: Don’t make fun of me; you know I’m a light weight and don’t drink.
Frank: You know, if you don’t drink, you can’t get wasted, and if you can’t get wasted then you don’t get to do things you regret the next morning. And you miss the point of being gay.

We headed downstairs to the smaller dance floor and entered the chaos. Every new song made the crowd’s energy increase, including mine. Frank left the dance floor to visit the bathroom and returned a while later. It went from Britney Spears, to the Pussycat Dolls to Pink and I was shaking my little Mexican groove thing all over the place. Frank left for the bathroom again and left me dancing by myself. Lumidee’s “Never Leave You” began to play; that was the hit summer song the year I meet Frank in 2003. He’d just completed his first semester of college and was missing his family in the Middle East. We met, had an instant connection and the rest was history–our friendship was established.

As I gyrated to a chorus of “Uh Ohs,” Frank waved me away from the dance floor.

Frank: Ok, do you wanna be young, gay and fabulous? Well, in your case just gay and fabulous?
Nando: Oh no Frank–I’m not dancing on the tables. It didn’t turn out right the last time, remember?
Frank: That’s because you don’t know the laws of gay physics. You CAN “drop it like it’s hot” but only if you have a drink in one hand while the other one is inside another man’s crotch. But that’s not what I wanna tell you. A friend just invited me to his party and there’s a car outside waiting for us.
Nando: Party? Where? What friend?
Frank: Did I just come out to the club with my mother? They have a pool and free alcohol. That’s what being gay is all about.

Frank has the ability to make everything appear simple, easy and fun. Or is it that I just have a knack of converting everything into a complex, difficult and uncomfortable situation? He looked like a five-year-old waiting for Santa to arrive. He had a sparkle in his eyes except I knew he didn’t want a big wheel for Christmas, he wanted free booze and a pool full of men.

Before I knew it I was in a limo with Frank, Ethan, and some guy from Iowa.

Nando: So Ethan, it’s your house we’re going to, right?
Ethan: Oh yeah, the driver will take us through the city, over to Jersey, then to Staten Island.
Nando: Oh, the same route that the hillside strangler takes, perfect!
Ethan: I’m not a murderer.
Frank: Oh, don’t pay attention to him Ethan, Nando’s drunk.

My Blackberry began to flash its red light indicating I had a message; it was a text from Frank.

Frank’s TEXT: By the way, I’m Rick tonight.
Nando’s TEXT: You changed your name? You idiot, why didn’t you change mine? You just called me Nando!
Frank’s TEXT: I didn’t know what to call you–you’re so picky.

It was a beautiful night out and driving through the city in a limo was surreal. I convinced myself to relax and just go with the flow no matter what happened.

Ethan: So you’re from Iowa?
Iowa Guy: YES!
Ethan: What do you do?

I couldn’t understand why IOWA guy was screaming at the top of his lungs. Was he hard of hearing? Nervous? Or Tourette syndrome? In any case he had nice pecs and a great smile and I was warming up to the idea of possibly making out with him.

Ethan: So guys, feel free to do a bump if you like.
Frank: Oh sure, I wouldn’t mind.

Did he just say what I think he said? I freaked out. My blackberry flashed.

Frank’s TEXT: Don’t freak out.
Nando’s TEXT: What does he mean bump? A bump of what?
Frank’s TEXT: Cocaine.
Nando’s TEXT: Get me out of the car!
Frank’s TEXT: You’re really over reacting, it’s not like it’s crack.
Nando’s TEXT: Oh, ok. Thanks for comforting me “RICK!”
Frank’s TEXT: Plus, I told him not to mention it in front of you. He really pissed me off by saying that out loud. You know, if he asks me to blow him, I just might refuse now–that’s how good of a friend I am to you.
Nando’s TEXT: I hate you.

We made it to Ethan’s home and he instructed us to take our shoes off because of the white carpet inside. He gave us a tour of his place which came with bragging rights on every art piece he had collected. This one was from Tibet, this piece here was from Greece, and that one over there was French.

Ethan: You boys go to the pool and I’ll bring the refreshments.
Frank: Sure thing.

Frank walks over to me.

Frank: Did you care for any of the art?
Nando: Not really. You?
Frank: Hell no!
Nando: And what was up with that black sculpture thing; a vase? He said it was from the set of Elizabeth Taylor’s Cleopatra movie? Like I’ve ever seen that?
Frank: Yeah, we’re gay, not faggots–there IS a difference!

The three of us head outside to the pool and get in our underwear–thank God I had decided to wear some that night. IOWA was the first one in the pool.

Frank: Isn’t this fun?
Nando: Which part?
Frank: Stop being such a bitch. You need to relax.
Nando: I don’t even drink, what part of that made you think I’d want to try cocaine?
Frank: No one MADE you try it, it was offered. He was being a nice host. Give him some credit. Some people won’t share their coke.
Nando: Oh well remind me to get his address and I’ll send him a thank you note tomorrow. By the way, how do you know him?
Frank: I don’t really know him.
Nando: What?
Frank: I met him in the bathroom line at Splash.
Nando: We’re at a total stranger’s home in Staten Island about to get into his pool while he’s probably overdosing on cocaine in his bedroom as we speak? And you tell me you met him in the bathroom line at Splash?
Frank: Calm down, besides, no one over doses so early in the party Nando, it’s always much later on.

I noticed that IOWA took his underwear off in the water and flung them out onto the pool deck. He was about my height but had light brown wavy hair, tight abs and bulging biceps. I’m sure I could make the best of the situation. I had never gone skinny dipping and I think I read it somewhere that it’s a MUST DO in life. “Should I?” I wondered.

Nando: Are you going in naked?
Frank: Hell yeah! I get to show off my BOYzillian wax.
Nando: I don’t even want to know.

Frank and I got into the pool, which was cold, and the process of shrinkage began–which is really unfair on a Mexican. Ethan returned with a tray of drinks and IOWA got out of the water to get one. That’s when I saw that IOWA was carrying about 9 inches of unhusked corn. He returned to the water carrying an extra drink which he handed to me. I reached for the drink with one hand and reached for his unhusked corn with the other. He winked and flashed a gigantic smile.

Ethan began to bore us with stories of his childhood and how much money he and his parents had made throughout the years. Meanwhile, I kept getting hit by a blue disk floating in the water. And no matter how many times I pushed it away from me, it would float its way back and bump me. I think it was the alcohol speaking, but I decided to make things a little interesting–I wanted to play a game. A sex game. Since I was making all this up in my mind while Ethan was still yapping about how he managed to out smart Wall Street–my imaginary game still had no rules or substance.

Nando: Let’s play a game in the pool.
Frank: Oh fun!
Iowa: YEAH!
Ethan: What game?

Ethan seemed upset that I had interrupted his soliloquy but I didn’t care, he was boring and he needed to be stopped.

Nando: Can someone pass me the blue floating disk?
Ethan: You mean the chlorine dispenser?
Nando: That’s a chlorine dispenser? Oh.

Everyone laughed at me including IOWA. Just then Ethan got out of the pool and headed into the house. He assured us he’d return real soon and encouraged us to keep having fun.

Frank: Smart move there mister chlorine-game guy.
Nando: Oh whatever, at least it got him to shut up.
Frank: OMG! I know. What the hell is wrong with him? Doesn’t he know he’s boring as hell?
Nando: So what’s the deal?
Frank: What do you mean?
Nando: You have a boyfriend, remember?
Frank: I know. But you know what they say, “What happens in Staten Island stays in Staten Island.”
Nando: Yeah, you know I think I saw that on their new travel guide. Are you stupid?
Frank: Nando, go attend to IOWA over there, I know you like those uncut boys and he seems really into you.
Nando: Really?
Frank: Yeah!
Nando: Are you sure?
Frank: Positive.
Nando: But what…
Frank: If you don’t stop being a bitch I am swimming over to him and doing him myself.
Nando: You’d do it in the water?
Frank: You haven’t?
Nando: No.
Frank: Oh, you are SO not gay!

I swam over to IOWA and we began to make out. He was in his late 30s and when he wrapped his arms around me I could feel the intensity of his passion. I also felt the intensity of something else, remember, he’s 9 inches of unhusked corn. Finally, It was 3 a.m. and things were going swimmingly–no pun intended. Ethan returned wearing nothing but a huge grin.

Frank: Okay boys, because I have great connections at Pfizer, I have here in my little hands, the strongest stuff you can possibly get a hold of–who wants some extra strength Viagra?


For Part II click here.

How To Have A Proper Foursome: Part II

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4 thoughts on “How To Have A Proper Foursome

  • January 5, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    Well finally, my question is answered!

    • January 6, 2010 at 10:39 am

      hahah, I get a kick out of new readers!
      thanks for stopping by sweetie!


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